Is it normal that i think that family issues are not resolved by "moving out"?

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13 Comments

So, I have noticed that people (specially in this site) tend to judge a lot other people that complain about their family, but still lives with them. And while some people truly complain about nonsense, I think that many stories are completely valid, and shouldn't be thrown away just because of this factor.

But what truly baffles me is that everyone's recommendation seems to be "if you don't like it, then move out". And honestly, I think that that mentality is simply not the best for all situations.

Let me remind you first, that moving out of your parents home before marrying is only common in USA, Canada and some European countries. In the rest of the world things just don't work like that. For instance, in many countries it is almost impossible to find a good place to move to live alone, because most of the housing options in the market are family homes. So you either have to be rich or you have to live in some room with another family home.

Putting that aside, I also believe that moving out to solve problems never really solves anything. That is just escaping from confrontation. Besides, when someone tells you something like "I wish my parents respected my privacy", it is not only that the person wants more privacy, they want to see a change in their parents too.

As a person from one of these "living with your family" cultures, I can say that what every single 20something wants is to finally be treated like an adult in their homes. The most beautiful moment of your life is when you interact with your parents as adults and start taking part in the family's decisions.

And well, I just wanted to ramble about this and see if you agree people. So, what do you think?

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80% Normal
Based on 85 votes (68 yes)
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Comments ( 13 )
  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    I understand where you're coming from. It's a bit ethnocentric to believe that moving out is an option for all peoples.

    Moving out really is the easy solution in "western" cultures (you forgot places in the Southern Hemisphere, like New Zealand, Australia, and South Africa). And the majority of users on this site are from those western cultures.

    Maybe in situations where moving out is clearly not an option, accepting the parent's unintentional demeaning behaviour, while simply acting like an autonomous adult, is the way to "retrain" the parents into treating them better. Otherwise, perhaps it might be advantageous to have a heartfelt discussion with them. It would really all depend on what culture it is and what the boundaries of the parent-child relationship are within that specific culture.

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  • [Old Memory]
    10 years ago

    You doctor yet?? Talk to me when you doctor!!

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  • handsignals
    10 years ago

    Australia is a country to Bruh.

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  • thegypsysailor
    10 years ago

    When someone complains that they feel the rules of their family's home are unfair or intolerable, then moving out is the only solution, I can see. I certainly wouldn't want anyone living under my roof who felt that they could live however they wanted with no respect for my wishes. Especially if I'm paying for everything.
    I agree that moving out is not practical in many situations, but that only means that one should then accept the rules of the house without resentment or anger. It a fair trade, IMO.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      10 years ago

      This is precisely the mentality I noticed a lot in America. It really shocks me how people are so cold with their family. I heard a lot of these kind of phrases "My roof my rules", "I pay you everything"... and it just seems so sad.

      It just seems that for these people kids are machines that you put coins on in exchange for obedience. And if they stop doing what you want, you have to thrown them away. For me a family is not a slave-owner relationship. It is about people with different tasks sharing their space.

      For me at least, rules should always at least be up for discussion. And also, as children grow up, they are supposed to gain more independence, responsibilities and voice inside the household. This is actually written in the Convention on the Rights of the Child (which for some reason US has never ratified).

      And lastly... about the money issue. I know many people with retired parents that "bring the bread" to the house, but that doesn't mean they gain dominance over their parents. Also, is is common for the parents to move with their son or daughter when they become old... but they still have to respect their elders, even if the house doesn't belong to them.

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      • thegypsysailor
        10 years ago

        I guess we (I) believe that it is a parent's job to prepare our children to leave the "nest" and become independent. Few of us want to continue living together after our children get to a certain age, but I'd hardly call it throwing them away.
        But I can't imagine, even in your society that a, say, 20 year old child, would be allowed to lay about his room all day, playing loud music or video games, then go out partying every night and return at any hour, without contributing anything to the household but his presence. And only for the fact that he is older, be given a say on what goes on in the home. No, I don't believe that if the child gets hooked on meth and steals from the family, that in your society, or any other, the family would embrace him or allow him to have a say in the home.
        I'm well aware of how most of the world works, and I believe you have a simplistic view, colored by a functional family. We aren't all lucky enough to have functional families.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          10 years ago

          Well, now that's an exaggerated response...

          What you are confusing here is the "growing up" term. It is not only about changing one number, it is about becoming mature too. Obviously, a 25 year old guy who only does drugs and stays in his room doing nothing all day isn't a grown up man. And as such, he wouldn't have a big voice in a household in my culture.

          Unfortunately, my family is not a functional one. But yet, even in the most dysfunctional families around here, it would be seen as cold if you expect child to leave your house when they turn 18. And also, if a parent acts as your "owner" or your "boss", it would also seem sad and weird. I would say that our family relationships are like this: we try to stick together as much as possible, we share and make decisions together, but we give the elders the highest priority in everything.

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        • Shiroyasha
          10 years ago

          "Meth", "stealing", now that scalated quickly, hahaha

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      • Riddler
        10 years ago

        Moving from a person you cant communicate with and you always fight with solves the issue. If you live with an abusive parent and move out on your own that parent is not beating you. No it does not fix the relationship issues necessarily but we have to face the fact some people are simply not compatible and never will be.

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    • tigressdawn
      10 years ago

      It depends on the rules. If you're living with someone as an adult, you need to respect that person as a competent adult. Granted a hard transition for parents is when their kids go to college and they start being their own person.

      Letting go is hard, and my parents admitted this after we got in a fight because they were paying for my college. I was an adult living in the dorms, but they thought they should still have a say in my schedule, my religion, my boyfriends, etc.. because they were paying for college. I told them to stop paying and took out my own loans and they no longer had any say in my life.

      We all got along much better once they no longer had ammo for a power struggle. They had to be nicer and more open to my life choices if they wanted to maintain a good relationship with me. We learned to agree to disagree. Also, after things settled down, my parents gave me no strings attached money each month to help me buy food and pay rent. That certainly helped smooth things over.

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  • robbieforgotpw
    10 years ago

    I need to take a quick dump

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    • RoseIsabella
      10 years ago

      Squeeze easy my friend, squeeze easy.

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      • robbieforgotpw
        10 years ago

        Mudslide:)

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