Is it normal that i still can't figure out if this is 100% rape?

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I'm 20 year old guy living with my bf, who's served in the Navy a few years ago.
Yesterday I triggered his PTSD when I started talking about my own personal problems to explain to him why I wasn't in the mood for sex again (because of my depression & anxiety (recently been diagnosed with schizophrenia and depression and anxiety come along with it for me) and my past with my abusive ex). I know I should of stopped but I really needed to talk about it, he was being too presistant everyday about wanting sex. He lost it and locked him self in the bathroom when I went on about the abuse my ex put me through.

I put my self to bed feeling guilty as fuck, I was too tipsy to check on him and worried I was gonna make things worse. I woke up with him hugging me at first then trying to get my pants down, I didn't try to fight him since what's the point he's much stronger and bigger than me, I just told him to fuck off. That didn't do anything and he just flipped me over and had his way with me, even when I told him to stop and I started to struggle a bit but he was hurting me so I tried to relax to get it over with sooner, but I don't know why but I got a hard on in the middle of it and the sex felt good but at the same time I felt really disgusted and humiliated.

I confronted him this morning about last night, but at first he denied what he did was wrong by stating I enjoyed it, and also that we haven't had sex for a long time so he thinks this is better then looking for it elsewhere(cheating on me). And for some stupid reason I agreed with him. Still felt uncomfortable around him so I avoid contact with him all day. But when he tried to hug me last night I flinched in fear just from the touch but covered it up by saying I'm cold. And when he got ready for bed I told him that I wanted to sleep on the couch, he started crying and telling me about an officer sexually assaulting him in the Navy, and how that also contributed to his PTSD. And how sorry he was for raping me, and how close he is to killing him self.
I'm really shocked and I cant stop crying I have no idea what to think or to do now. And I would feel bad reporting him, I don't think I'll feel better if I do but then again I can't get over the fact of what happened. Especially with the weird reaction I had from it and the excuses he told me, that confused me thinking I wasn't really raped.

Sorry if this is hard to read I'm not in the best situation right now, and I'm not in a sound mind.

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Based on 4 votes (0 yes)
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Comments ( 8 )
  • RoseIsabella
    6 years ago

    Honestly, I'm not worried about your boyfriend's personal issues with PTSD, or whatever. I don't doubt that he he these issues, but I think he's playing some sort of victim card so as to stop you from talking about the fact that he took advantage of you, and basically raped you. No offense, but I don't like this guy, and I wouldn't trust him.

    Predatory people often play the victim card when they are confronted by others about their bad behavior. I don't doubt that he has PTSD, has been victimized himself and has his own personal trauma. What I take issue with is the fact that he cannot accept responsibility for his actions.

    I personally think you ought to leave this guy. If he gets weird, or threatens to kill himself call 911. Don't let him manipulate you, honey.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      6 years ago

      Thanks for the reply.

      Yeah you really think so, think I will he's really creeping me out with his threats of self harm. Concerning but also I don't know what to do, but after reading your reply, calling for help lools like the best thing to do. And I'll probably will have to when I finish my plan for moving out, gotta work out a place closer to uni and work first don't have any friends I can crash with.

      I should probably go back to therapy too maybe, my fucked up feelings and thoughts are getting to me again. Just had alot of bad experiences at therapy even had a therapist shout at me in the waiting room...

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  • charli.m
    6 years ago

    It's still rape. His background is obviously difficult but it does not excuse choosing to rape you.

    There's no percentage of rape. It either is or isn't.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      6 years ago

      Yeah his own negitive experience is what confused me on how to feel about this. And other things too. I self doubt my self a lot because of my schizophrenia. But I think I'm starting to see the truth now.

      And yeah that makes sense, think I realised now that using a percentage is a dumb idea, my mistake...

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      • charli.m
        6 years ago

        It wasn't an attack on you, just a statement. I understand your concern for what he has been through, but what he did is not ok. I hope you can be somewhere safe.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          6 years ago

          Oh okay and thanks, I'm looking for another place still. But he's left me alone so far.

          And got an appointment soon with a therepist. And also hoping that maybe they can give me advise/options on living arrangements and not just mental therapy.

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          • charli.m
            6 years ago

            I hope they do. That should be part of their job.

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  • Anonymous Post Author
    6 years ago

    TLTR:
    I enjoyed it in the end and my bf who forced me into sex suffers from PTSD and was sexually assaulted when serving in the Navy by an Officer.
    So I'm not sure how to feel and what to do about this.

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