Is it normal that i'm wondering if i should leave my partner or not

6 Comments

Before I list all of the reasons that I am considering splitting up with my partner, I want to preface this by saying I admire her hugely as a person, and I wouldn't want our potential breakup to hurt her any more than it should. She has overcome many dark times throughout her life, and I respect the way she's dealt with her demons and still manages to look the world in the eye and smile... I just think that for the following reasons we'd be better as friends than lovers:

Me and my partner have been in a relationship for almost 11 months now, and whilst neither of us have cheated (as far as I'm aware, at least) or been violent towards eachother, it hasn't escaped my attention that we've only spent one of our anniversaries together (our 1 month) and she completely missed my birthday last year...

Our relationship feels a lot like one way traffic to me, and although I don't feel entirely disrespected (she has never used me financially, seems to enjoy my company when we're together, and she says she loves me which I genuinely believe she does), I still feel like something is a little off and I'm not getting out of my relationship what I'm putting in.

What I believe the elephant in the room is, is sex. Because of her past abusive relationships, she finds it very hard to express herself in a sexually open way, and while I place a large amount of importance on consent and completely respect her "no", I point blank refuse to cheat, although I still need to find a way to satiate my own sexual desires because she's not comfortable with that yet. I feel sexually repressed at times and it gets me kinda down.

Of course, there is the possibility that maybe I'm the problem. I'm by no means God's gift to all women but I'm willing to work on myself. Either way, the fact remains one of us is jaded and disillusioned while the other is not.

I know it will break her heart if it happens, but am I an A-hole for considering breaking up? Is it normal?

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Comments ( 6 )
  • darefu
    1 year ago

    Being sexually incompatible is not trivial. The other things will continue to add up because you are not sexually satisfied. You will start seeing them as bigger issues and using them as bigger excuses than they are.

    If you are incompatible during your first month that's one thing people are still learning, you're still learning about each other during your first year maybe five but by about 6 months of a sexual relationship things should be pretty darn good. Spinning your head and thinking this person is great!

    The first year or two is called the honeymoon phase for a reason. You don't see the bad in the relationship or the person. If at 11 months you aren't getting out what you are putting in or you feel it's one sided, it's best to see it for what it is, dying! You should talk to her about it first, maybe more of a question session of whether she's happy or where she sees it going. But, barring any major changes, you're probably separating this relationship sooner or later. Better sooner!

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  • 1WeirdGuy
    1 year ago

    I usually lean towards telling ppl to patch things up and stay together but this can be a big problem for you in the future. It usually doesnt get better. 11 months may seem long but its really not that long and its gonna be a lot harder the longer you go on.

    Not getting good sex is gonna make you lash out against her without knowing you are doing it. She doesnt deserve that and neither do you.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      1 year ago

      Sex isn't the only issue in our relationship, but my first inkling is the same as yours. Maybe what I should do is stay with her, but detail all the things I've said above, and see what she says.

      I want to at least give her a chance, instead of just leaving her with no explanation. But at the same time, I don't want to guilt-trip her or imply any of it is her fault. We have a lot of respect for eachother in that sense.

      If I'm going to leave her, I want to do it in a mature, respectful way. I have no animosity towards her, I'm just unsatisfied. The last thing I want is to hurt her unintentionally because my frustration has reached a point where I've snapped.

      There's such a fine line between laying it all on the line, and coming off as a narcissist. I would hate to make her think I'm only thinking about me. It's not all about what I want, and of course I'll continue treating her the same as I always have. I've always tried to do right by her and will continue to if I stay.

      Just typing this is making me think all these issues are kind of trivial and that maybe I am actually being a bit of an A-hole. Should I bite the bullet and carry on as normal?

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      • 1WeirdGuy
        1 year ago

        Its a bigger deal than it sounds. You are only 11 months in. In another 11 months its gonna be even harder to break up. Not breaking up with her will subject you to a life of being unsatisfied in the bedroom. Which is hard for a man.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          1 year ago

          But I can let her know what I'm feeling, and see if things change, right?

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          • 1WeirdGuy
            1 year ago

            Yeah, you can try. Hopefully it works. But she may do this thing where she gives in when you want it but does the whole **SIGH** thing and acts miserable. The whole "hurry up!" bs that ruins the mood

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