Is it normal that i'm aroused by intense pain, suffering, and death of others?

28% Normal
10 Comments

I am having an issue with the escalation of something I've been dealing with since childhood.
back when I was a child I obviously had no idea what sex was or anything like that, so when I would do the "deed", I would think of other things. Violent things.

At first when I was little it was cartoonishly violent things, even watching them on TV or whatever would arouse me. I would think, as a 5 or 6 year old, of cutting off a woman's breasts and throwing them on a grill and watching her suffer and scream and it would get me going, or stuffing someone with food until they literally exploded, or rubbing the guts of a victim all over me. I never felt emotionally good or attached to any of this, and in the rest of my life I wouldn't hurt a fly... though i'm not sure if that's because of society or because I genuinely have some humanity.

I used to think it was normal, but the feelings kept growing as I got older and the fantasies and things I would be aroused by got uglier and uglier. I realized one night when a boyfriend showed me what was probably the worst snuff film in the history of cinema to try and gross me out... and I was nothing but aroused. and disgusted... with myself.

Often times this feeling is maginified if the subject is someone i don't like or am jealous of, but this doesn't have to be the case. I am trying so hard to suppress these feelings but I can't seem to help it; sometimes I can't get off without injecting even imaginary suffering into my situation, even if I'm with my partner and have to pretend the situation is much more horrific than it is.... I made the mistake of being with a guy who actually encouraged it for several months and it was like a demon finally had a chance to stretch it's legs and I immediately started to frighten both of us. Now it's even harder to suppress.

It includes these other weird branch-outs of my paraphilia: Anthropophagy
Dacryphilia
Feederism
Lactophilia
Vorarephilia
Voyeurism

I don't know what to do. No books seem to help, and all online discussions seem to only be about shunning people like me. I'm a really sweet person and I have a lot of love to give otherwise... btu this darkness doesn't seem to have a bottom. Please, someone help! :'(

Voting Results
28% Normal
Based on 47 votes (13 yes)
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Comments ( 10 )
  • NotNormalBro
    7 years ago

    It's not normal, but I see that you have no choice and it's not your fault that you are this way. I understand that you don't actually like it. You are a good person, and just because your body reacts like this doesn't say anything about your personality. I'm not sure there's a way to get rid of this, but just know that there are people that like you for who you are and ignore this part of you. It doesn't have to affect you so much. There is nothing wrong with YOU, your body is just a bit weird.

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    • gototeacrestasia
      7 years ago

      thanks, that's really kind of you. I appreciate the actual feedback.

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  • gototeacrestasia
    7 years ago

    thanks, it's at least good to know i'm not some female jeffrey dahmer or something lol

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  • Terence_the_viking
    7 years ago

    Some people are crazy like that.

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    • gototeacrestasia
      7 years ago

      thanks for the kind feedback. :/

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  • thewingsofthebird
    7 years ago

    Hey! I don't really have the same thing but I kinda get it. As long as you don't actually hurt someone your fine. Maybe try to downsize instead of upsize. For example instead of killing and stuff some bondage and stuff. Hope it helps!!! You'll be all g. Xxx

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  • minerlover4
    7 years ago

    very normal peope have there "things" not your fault, go get help if you think you would do that consensually but otherwise your fine

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  • RoseIsabella
    7 years ago

    Go get professional help.

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  • tadabrown
    7 years ago

    I know what you mean (even though I only read the first four lines of this fucked up piece of shit post). You see I suffer from Postaphobia: the fear of reading a pile of shit written by you. It's devastating. No none cure, other than YOU shutting the fuck up.

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    • gototeacrestasia
      7 years ago

      sorry im not a 13 year old moron asking if it's normal i get zits or begging people to tell me im not ugly. Welcome to the real world.

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