Is it normal that i have started to question my own free will and if i really

So I have had a fun life so far that has been mixed with everything from party's and having money to violent family abuse and extreme levels of physical damage. I'm 18 and spent the majority of my childhood in a abusive house only when my father was out of town. From this I developed a very independent and capable way of life. I even got a job when I was 15 because of my farm child upbringing of more less running a dairy I made anywhere from $300 to $1500 a week and lived on my own. Due to the los of this job and my grandmother falling ill I moved and too a part time job I was again in my mother's house being beat by my sister and mother. And badly in debt from the move and loss of my truck that I have to my sister. I didn't make enough to keep it and see needed transportation. So I got into philosophy and I have 2 years of college and by this point had been shot twice, hit by approximately 20 cars and lost a 5 year relationship (smallest of it all lol) and fell into a depression because I was in pain all the time. Started contemplating what the human phsycy was and if I had free will or if my mother's abuse was what made me move up. I got into light drugs but really bad alcohol and I was hospitalized. When I got home my sister, (at the time 6months pregnant with a, hate to say it but, wanna be hard ass who was the stereo type for blacks. Note he was 6'2 and 130lbs I'm 6'5 260lbs of muscle from work out) and he threatened my life I laughed at him and went to my room. Later that night I went to get some food and my sister tried to crush my head with a 12' cast iron skillet and proceeded to beat me. By this point I became a machine to this type of pain and stood there letting it happen. She broke a tooth from my mouth and when I said g ( not saying her name) stop she reached in and grabbed my mouth. She proceeded to rip my lip in half leaving my with the top and bottom lip split in line with my nose, I stopped thinking and walked through and move to the door took my keys and left. I only had a change of clothes (dirty from work) and my Xbox I had just took to my friends house and left. I drove to South FL and moved into my father's and filed restraining orders on my mom sister and her husband. Which leads to this post. I got back into phycology again and philosophy and now find myself in a depressed state of well lack of will. Now without what drove me for so long gone I don't know what to do. I don't know if I did the right thing I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. And I don't know who I even am without that. I'm well alone without that. I miss it to a extent and then I think did I have free will at all. I long to be told what to do unless prompted to a task. I can lead and make discussions run a farm operate heavy machinery blacksmith I have a lot of tricks of trade but know clue what to do or who I am, I don't know if the time I spent leading was just me doing what I was trained or what I don't know.