Is it normal that i feel loved when i'm degraded and hurt?

13 Comments

I always felt insecure about my body and the way I am in general. And when you feel bad about yourself you just wanna cuddle up to someone you love and let them tell you how amazing you are in every way, right?

I was raised by my parents who would always always ALWAYS fight. My mom would cry a lot and tell me and my sister that we are the reason for all their fighting. My dad would just insult all of us constantly. Sometimes he would even get drunk in the middle of the day, right there at home, and beat us.

Today I'm in a lesbian relationahip and I love my girlfriend more than anything, but I feel insecure about myself a lot. I tell her that and she holds me close and calms me and makes me feel better,wich usually works.

Not always tho. I realised recently that sometimes, when her nice words and compliments don't make me realise that she really loves me, I try everything and press all her buttons till she's as furious as I can get her to be. Once I got her so mad that she slapped me just to shut me up. When she yells at me that she's had enough of me and insults me with anything she can think of...

I feel secure and loved... I feel the most loved when I'm degraded and hurt, crying my eyes out...

Are the way my dad treated me when I was little and my obsession with getting hurt to feel loved related?... What should I do...

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Comments ( 13 )
  • Hagart
    5 years ago

    This is tough ☹️ I feel sorry that you do that to feel loved and that your parents were like that. Try talking it over with your girlfriend and maybe a therapist. It isn’t normal and you should not let people degrade you even if it makes you feel loved. You might feel loved but you’re probably not happy

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  • Zexoyo
    5 years ago

    I understand this feeling imo, but not to this extent. If this is/gets really serious, you should maybe seek someone that could give mental help. Like a therapist or smth. My question is, have you told your partner about this? If so how did she respond? (if you are willing to say of course)

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    • Itek
      5 years ago

      I did talk to my girlfriend about this, but I havent told ger the whole story yet... I don't want her to think I have mental issues... We only talked about this as far as sex goes... This all kimda transfers to my sex life where I like to be degraded... But never about the fighting...

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  • ReflectiveBread
    5 years ago

    Your upbringing is probably the explanation for your behavior, but that doesn't mean it should be dismissed. This sounds like it's heading into the territory of a toxic relationship, and I would personally recommend going to therapy and/or couple's therapy. Good luck!

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  • khorne
    5 years ago

    seriously it's nothing to be ashamed of, its just how some people are, hopefully your girlfriend can accomodate

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  • khorne
    5 years ago

    yup you're a masochist, y'see I'm a sadist so I have a lot of experience with lovely people like you

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    • ReflectiveBread
      5 years ago

      I see what you mean, but I feel like masochism is more connected to sexual pleasure, rather than feeling loved and secure. I am not a masochist or a sadist though, so I wouldn't know. Please inform me if I'm wrong!

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      • khorne
        5 years ago

        no not really, it can be, but emotional masochists thrive on debasement and degradation for validation, it's also possible that a sexual element will develop given the inherent feelings on the subject.

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        • khorne
          5 years ago

          it's important to note though, that the extent you have this too is entirely unhealthy, you absolutely must tone it down if you want the relationship to last

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          • Itek
            5 years ago

            Ok, ok,khorne you seem to know some stuff on this subject... To what extend do you think it would be healthy?... Tone it down to where? I feel this will take a lot of time and efford, but perhaps if I don't wish to get rid of the sexual part?...

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            • khorne
              5 years ago

              well simply put it's okay to feel fulfilled by degradation and pain, but it's absolutely not alright to essentially bully your partner into it, it must be consensual and in the open,and indeed if you simply keep the sexual aspect (probably making it more extreme) you may feel that same fulfillment through the day, I mean to make a masochist happy usually I'd just verbally degrade them while fingering them, yknow, call them a pig whore, worthless etc, and it really helped them through the day

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