Is it normal that i dream of torturing my childhood bullies?

not normal to hold onto the past, when there's plenty of adulthood bullies you could be torturing instead.

Sounds like you still have grudge on your bullies, but also you need to forget them otherwise it might still affect you.

It's normal to have these thoughts, but for your own sake it is best not to dwell on it. Try to let go of it and move on.

You don't need to forgive them, but hanging on to this anger will hold you back. You feeling angry doesn't have any negative impact on them, but will have a negative impact on you.

“I'm 22 now. Back when I was a kid”

You are basically a kid.

I got teased as a kid and had undiagnosed aspergers. I think honestly they just didnt get me, not that its an excuse for them to be jerks. I try to look at it like this - we were kids and they probably didnt know better. I met one of them a few years ago and she was really nice to me then. I still struggle to forgive them especially the meanest ones but I try. Holding a grudge really isnt healthy.

I went through this in high school. To be honest, even though it seems like it would be very satisfying to seek revenge, it really wouldn't do anything but hurt yourself, most likely. Isn't there a quote that says something along the lines of "the best revenge is a well lived life" or something like that? I think that's true. Life is too short to worry about people who are no longer in your life and to allow them to still control your life. Instead, focus on bettering your life. I know it can be hard to let go, but the more you try to redirect your focus to making positive changes in your life, the happier you will be and you will eventually be able to put it behind you.

Also, not that this is an excuse for bullying behavior by any means, but just know that a lot of what was said and done to you was most likely not personal. Kids tend to be mean because they are insecure, don't realize the impact their words and actions really have on others, don't really know how to act, etc. Again, it's not an excuse for the behavior, but just know it most likely had nothing to do with you. Kids can just be very cruel.

The good news is that you're now an adult, and IME the adult world is much better than school, and most adults are much nicer. Of course, there will always be some that never outgrew high school and still act like asses, but that kind of behavior doesn't get people very far and is much less tolerated as an adult. You're away from all of those people from school now and can now surround yourself with much better adults.

Let go, dude.

You've developed a complex over your memories of fear, embarrassment

What's healthy is to be at peace with yourself. Not too upset over anything, not happy or pleased to a fault. Like zen I think

So acting out a revenge plot on childhood events, which by 22 you should be at a point where you're no longer even complicated by the events socially, suggests that those memories hold such a negative value that you feel compelled to act on them, you can't even comprehend how to let it go

You suffered at a point in your life, it's okay. The goal of recovery is to move past trauma to the point it doesn't affect you anymore.

If anything it should teach you how to live a life that justifies who you are

That said, I've had moments where I imagine torture on someone. The last time was on this guy who should have been a caveman. I wanted to go find a few hoodlums, maybe even five, and pay them to knock him out, but that's not all.

They would then tie him up and deliver him to a facility, a storage unit perhaps, where he would then be tied down to a table oh so very securely and left to his own devices for a few days, maybe a week.

I would wait for his body to start digesting itself and let fear and panic really take a hold of him. I would probably show up masked and set up a camera and a brand new exacto knife or something similar. I'd play with my food, of course. But ultimately I envisioned slicing off slivers of his eyeballs and basking in his screams.

Now I could do that for 2, maybe 5 hundred bucks, but I would be a total fucking psychopath. Things like this may help you get over whatever, but let them go soon. You may end up doing something you regret if you're not like mentally healthy, you know?

Getting back at them is normal, but torturing them is not normal.

I relate a lot to this because I had my fair share of some traumatic bullying experience. I still deal with issues that all somewhat stem from that part of my life. It sometimes pisses me off that they treated me so terribly, and pretty much fucked up a lot of my life and they've gone scott free. I imagine beating the shit out of them, getting them to the point of disfigurement. Breaking their fucking legs or torturing them in some way. But usually these thoughts are followed by self disgust and I am left unsure of what to do with all these emotions.

I was recently meeting up with old highschool friends and talking about school brought the trauma back. My friends suggested just contacting the bullies again, confronting them on their actions. Chances are they've changed and they feel terrible for what happened, or they might have forgotten. If they are still as immature as they were before, you at least know who the adult is in the situation. It might help.