Is it normal that i can only orgasm if i imagine my boyfriend with another girl

Hi there, I too know all about this issue. It started a few years after I was married. I've been married 24 years, and I know now there are few reasons why I do it. First it started because I didn't feel sexy enough for him, he was very emotionally disconnected and rarely ever complimented me but I'd catch him looking at other women and pornography. So when we'd have sex I felt like I wasn't sexy enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, because if I was then he wouldn't be looking at other women, those other women are what he's attracted to. So I would imagine I was actually another woman, that he was having sex with another women that wasn't me that way I would be more comfortable having sex with him. It made sense that he would be hot and horney over another woman (not me), and in my mind since I was the other woman, he'd obviously be turned on so that would turn me on and then I'd be able to have an orgasim. Now all these years later I still do it but for another reason. I now feel sexy and secure with my body so I don't fantasize because of my low self esteem, I fantasize to keep us from connecting emotionally. I've been hurt many many times over the years by him and have built a wall around my heart to keep me safe, and being he is not safe for me I fantasize to protect myself, my heart. Sex is just sex, just physical. No intimacy, nothing spiritual, no connection, just safe. Now he wants connection, he wants intimacy, so what once was fine (me fantasizing) is no longer fine with him. It's something we are working on, but until I feel safe with him, this is what I do. I don't know if anyone else can relate, but the bottom line is this, regardless of why you do it, the outcome is the same, lack of intimacy, it's a hinderance to real connection, which is detrimental to any relationship.

Wow, what a unique problem. I don't think there's a thing wrong with your fantasies or you reaction to your boyfriend gallivanting about facebook. You're not a control freak. I'm concerned with your feeling disgusting, worthless, and degraded after sex. People who have been raised in strict anti-sex household usually feel guilt after orgasm, not what you described. It kind of made perfect sense when you said that you were raped, not to mention at such a malleable age, by two people. I'm assuming your virginity was stolen as well, which makes the matter even sadder.

There's nothing I can say to quell your thoughts. It sounds like you are disassociating from sex when you imagine your partner with another girl. I am no expert, if there is such a thing, but I feel like the other woman, symbolically, is your body, but not you. Which is why you orgasm, but suddenly feel terrible when you realize it is you who has just been penetrated. [which I'm very sorry to imply, is you subconsciously reliving a traumatic event]

There's another thing that seems like a real possibility here. You say that you feel worthless, disgusting and degraded [which are typical post-rape emotions] after orgasm but then snap back to normal. Is it possible that you always feel this way about yourself without actively thinking about it? People's bodies have a way of keeping them at a pretty constant (and therefore neutral) level of "okay"-ness, happiness, sadness, etc. In other words, people are likely to be suspended in a feeling they have frequently encountered, even if they hate feeling it. Depressed people usually "try" to be happy but are discouraged when their physiology sends their mood plummeting after a few moments of happiness, jest, or calmness. I digress a little, but an orgasm is a sudden transient upshot of happy and pain alleviating hormones and nerve impulses. Is it possible, that after you "come down" you are just extremely sensitive to your general state of emotions (which become overwhelming in contrast to an orgasm)?

Maybe everything I just said doesn't apply to you, lol so disregard the lengthiness. Your story is really rather captivating in a heartbreaking way. I'm very sorry that happened to you so many years ago. I don't know if you've had counselling regarding it, but it's important for you to know that it wasn't your fault; you are absolutely not worthless, not disgusting, and not degraded! I think that you should have serious talks with rape trauma counselors, and just plain therapists.

That's my next step. I just wanted to know if anyone has a similar issue.

Hey, I have always wonderd am I the only person that thinks this way, glad to know I'm not alone on this issue. I do find women attractive and get very turned on by the thoughts of my partner having sex with me and another woman, usually it's a person I have imagined in my head. He knows nothing about it, to be honest i am embarressed to even mention it, we are together 3 years. I just think that he would be weirded out by it, as he is not as sexual as me. I have told him that I find women attrractive, but that's as far as the conversation has went. I think he does be too shy to talk about them kinds of things. But yeah I can't orgasim unless I think of him having sex with another women. I don't feel disgusted with myself either, it's just the norm with me, has been with every partner I have been with really. I do wonder am I gay or bisexual, but the fact we have a child and are a family. I don't want to stir the pot either by opening up about all my fantasies. But then I do wonder if I did have a chat with him about my fantasies it could spice up our sex life. So confusing!

I hope this post isn't too old .. I can say without exaggeration that this is exactly how I feel every time.. It makes it worse that my boyfriend roleplAys with me to help my climax.. And when he does it too good I orgasm faster but hate him after .. Like to tears... I cry . As much as I've kept going kept living with this problem.. I don't think it's a problem.. Just personal issue but it would be nice and healthy to orgasm with him liking me like normal sex.. Making me feel important or sexy or able to pleasure.. It's hard to explain
How can I fix this?? Even he has told me .. Alright this needs to stop but I can't

I have the same thing but from the guy's side of it. I can hardly cum unless I imagine my gf having sex in front of me and saying humiliating teasing things to me all the while. That imaginary scene really triggers an orgasm for me but it's almost the only way I can cum at all. And I've done it so often I've basically trained myself to get turned on by it and nothing else really works.

I think it's possible to condition yourself to respond to different kinds of stimuli and probably condition yourself to something different later. I try not to worry about it, just enjoy what I can. I also struggled with the problem of feeling awful after I would have an orgasm with that in my head, ashamed, and that thought was mixed up with the good feeling of the orgasm so it was confusing and complex. I was worrying it was creating a negative self-image and limiting me outside of sex. I think it could actually. But I'm trying to accept what feels good and not stress out about it.

Let me know if you're in the same place and worrying about it, or have found a way to change it.

Hi! I thought I was the only one whos experiencing this. Is it possible to be in touch with any of you experiencing this? Add me belle_cali21 at my line app

Wow. Ever since I could have sex without my mind being completely focused on "if I'm doing it right", I have had to fantasize about the guy "with" another girl. Thinking I was around 17 years old when I started. I'm now 32 and it's always be n the only way I can orgasm. I never had an orgasm with a man until I started doing this. And I absolutely cannot orgasm without imagining him with another women. And yes, I also want him to degrade me by telling me how good she is and that she feels better and I even have had my boyfriends tell me details of the encounters they've had when cheating on me. I've EVEN watched a few videos that he had recorded on his phone. Even while I'm "alone" I have to fantasize about my boyfriend being with another women. ALL THE TIME EVERY TIME. and I also feel like a worthless discussing pathetic peice of nasty junk IMMEDIATELY after I orgasm. I've always dated munipulative abusive lying assholes until I met my current boyfriend. And I was just amazed and completely baffled as to how for the VERY first time, I didn't have to think of him with anyone else but me. It even made me Feel So Happy and so loved that I broke into tears several times. But then we became pregnant and had our baby. I gained a lot of weight not just because of pregnancy but we also got clean from drugs when we saw the positive pregnancy test. Also being new to even the thought of sex without drugs just seemed like "alot a work", needless to say we had no sex for over a year. But then my boyfriend relapsed, and is NOT AT ALLGOOD at being discreet, so I found he was having some crazy and extreme online sexual relations. And just like that my need to degrade myslef in order to achieve orgasm is back. I never thought this need of mine was connected with any deeper of an issue other than some connection with childhood sexual tram but only thinking it had left me "a bit extreme on the sexual side", up until after then. It was then clear to me that it had a direct link to how secure I felt in the relationship. ND ow after reading th8s, it's even all the more clear. I had figured there are others like me, but never actually heard anyone talk about it before. Thank you for posting this. I think it's going to help me with finding what I need to do in order to find happiness

I have the same issue! In fact I'm lying in bed feeling so disgusted and hate him and myself for shit we just talked about to make ME cum. I want it to stop. I want to be normal! I married my husband when I was 16 and I'm now 35. We've been together for 19 years. I honestly hate myself and my body. I feel like the only reason I say what I say and make him talk about other women is because I don't like myself. I feel like If I'm disgusted with myself he is too because of the type of women he likes that I look nothing like. Idk I guess I'm glad I'm not the only one I just worry I'm going to make him do something like have a three some and I'll never get over it, leave him and blame him. :/ I need help I know... coming from a family where no one has been faithful I'm any marriage has affected me more than I thought. Thanks for reading

i have the same problem,don't allow the threesome but continue with these thoughts it helps i know,and i know its hard when in truth you don't want him to cheat but what ever helps you.

I'm a 22 year old female experiencing the same problem. My mother cheated on my dad when I was small, it teared up our whole family. The person she started an affair with used to come to our house and even as a child it arrouse me to imagine them having sex (doing something forbidden). This could have influenced me and my relationships, it's impossible for me to climax without imagining him having sex with another woman or getting engaged in a threesome. Sometimes I even ask him to tell me a stories about two girls and a guy. To some extend it harms my relationship but I can't think of another way to climax. Right after I've reached the orgasm, I start feeling guilty and apologize to him. I beg him not to leave. It's like a vicious cycle.

OMG!!!!!!! i do the same thing i can only cum when i imagine my bf doing another girl ... its weird i did that with my first bf and now with my current but the thing is that if i imagine him with a certain person that is real like a classmate or cowworker of his then i start ACCUSSING HIM OF CHEATING on me with that person... then i feel that what im imaging is actually happening in real life. its so hard though because i accuse him so much of cheating on me ... i dont kno what to do anymore i feel my mind is playing games on me but i cant seem to stop cuz thats the only way ill cum.

I don't know if u get some type of notification bu I'd really love a reply

I'd really like to private mail you but it won't allow me /: I'm a 19 year old female and I don't believe I'm lesbian either.. Though I can rate word by word.. If not worse!! I literally searched the whole question in good to see if anyone else related, and this is sad but I don't remember one time I ever orgasmed over anything else :,( and I feel the same after sex.. This is strange because I don't know you but I'd really like to talk into detail with u because I'm scared that noone is the same and I'm soooo insecure n being only 19 doesn't help :l btw I never got raped and do this exactly and I have extreme jealousy so am farrrr to scared to act on it though it crosses my mind, but when I'm not turned on n it does.. It hurts my heart though when I'm turned on it drives me crazy in good ways

At first I was thinking that you were pretending you were a hotter woman, and you'd be imagining hotter sex. However, since it seems to be more than that, I'm guessing you have some type of self-esteem problem. The fact that you like degrading yourself, makes me think you feel the need to please your boyfriend and that you're not good enough.

Really? But I don't fancy woman in that way. Obviously I can appreciate good looks but I don't ever feel if I see a good looking woman that I would want to do anything to her or vice versa. I only get these kind of thoughts in a threesome or more accurately an imagined threesome. I'm very sure although I could probably have a sexual experience with a woman I most definitely couldn't have a relationship with one so I'm pretty sure I'm not a lesbian. I might wish I looked like another woman if she looks good but I don't want to be with her. also to reclarify, it's thoughts of my boyfriend performing a sexual act on another woman not me performing the act.

i can completely relate to this. this was basically exactly how i felt until i came out of the closet. once i realized i was lesbian and started dating girls, all of these issues went away.

Some of what you say makes perfect sense. I think some of my negative feelings might just be pure guilt that in order to come I'm imagine something that in reality would be considered degrading by most people and possibly even myself. When I'm having sex with my bf it's not like I don't enjoy it, it's that I feel bad that I'm enjoying what I'm imagining. I feel even worse that in order to cum I HAVE to imagine him cheating on me. To explain in a bit more detail, I've always been quite a sexual person and I've never been afraid to be open about fantasies etc. i think the problem is that because my bf lied to me and broke the trust I feel like I shouldn't be imagining these things anymore. It's been made worse that whereas before I could cum sometimes without thinking about him with someone else, now it's pretty much impossible if I don't. What's worse is that before when I thought of him with someone else it was in a threesome situation and I was involved, now it's like I'm just a spectator while he's fucking someone in front of me and telling me he prefers her to me, she looks better, feels better, taste better etc. I'm just finding it really disturbing that I would have to feel so degraded to be able to orgasm. Am I trying to hurt myself before he hurts me or are these just normal sexual fantasies I don't know how to process correctly? 
Regarding the 'rape'... 
I wasn't a virgin when this happened, I'm from a very sexually liberated household, my mother always made me feel like love was love and sex was sex. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't told to sleep around or anything, I was just told sex was supposed to be enjoyable and that I should feel free to do what I wanted and not confuse it with love or expect a boy to love me via sex and vice versa. I think this is the reason I never kiss during sex when I first meet someone unless I know I want more than sex. I lost my virginity at 13, very young I know but, I was in a relationship for 11 months with a 16 yr old before it happened. We were both virgins, totally wrapped up in each other and it was a beautiful experience which I've never regretted. We splitt up about 8 months after but I can't remember who 'dumped' who.  My second sexual experience was with someone a lot older and I did it to get back at my first boyfriend when i found out a month or so after breaking up he had cheated on me with about 6 girls in college. I met him through some other mates. It wasn't good, it wasn't horrible but it was basically nothing. Then I got raped. I've struggled with this for years because it was like a 'date rape' situation. I bunked off school to smoke weed at a mates house with him and his mate, they gave me drugs (tamazipam) and alcohol and then 'suggested' we all fuck. I went along with it and partly even enjoyed it up till a point where I felt trapped and pinned down and I knew I was being taken advantage of. They didn't attack me or anything like that, it just made me feel disgusting and I knew they knew they were wrong. I didn't tell anyone cos I put myself in the situation and I didn't want my mum knowing I took the drugs. A year later one of them got 4 years for raping a girl and dumping her out of his car. I should have said something then but I didn't and I still just can't. I know that's bad but if they knew how much they affected me I think it would be worse than the event itself. Ive always acted like it never happened cos i didn't want to feel like their victim or anything. sorry for such a long reply but it is quite a complex problem for me.

Go to a therapist.