Is it normal that i.....?

I'm a rather confident woman on the outside and feel so on the inside and I enjoy being so but for some reason, when it comes sex and kinks, I feel disgusted with myself.
I've never really had any sexual experience just a little bit but I imagine some hard stuff when I do (I. E. Hard gangbang with 6 guys pushing and bullying, bloody nose, cum torture, asphyxiation, etc.) I I like to vulnerable and helpless even though they're fare from my normal feeling.

I feel like a lot has to do with how I felt about myself internally months ago as well as past issues. I deplored myself and wanted anything to happen to me because I truly hated living. On top of that, shame and daddy issues followed me when I engaged in some activity so as a result, I'd punish myself in such a way in the back of my head. I'd imagine having sex with a guy whilst he slaps me and pushed me enough for a nose bleed
And I know no guys would ever hit or slap around a woman but I feel as if I deserve it. The idea of engaging in a gangbang while crying for some reason gets me off. (Sort of like dub con.)

I'm only 20, and I feel good about myself but deep down for some reason, I still have this negativity towards sex. I feel so shameful when I'm with people. Occasionally I've read snuff doujins.

I would get myself off to hardcore gangbang porn and cry after I climaxed for some reason. Not because of guilt. But....
What is it?