Is it normal seeing ref.s makes me want to rebound?

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I have depression, and I have for a pretty long time, though i recently got medicated with lexapro and am doing fine, though I derealize about 1/10 of the day.

Anyway, I turned my urge to cut myself into hair pulling, voice training, pacing, and sense seeking (I also have autism). I used to have intrusive thoughts about cutting my legs open and taking the fat out, but they dissapeared after I got medicated.

Travel to about a month or 2 into taking meds, and I am looking at forums of people with depression, to try and connect with others like me, though the posts are making me less aware, and I am slipping back into my mindset from before the therapy and meds. I have the overwhelming urge to cut myself and have the blood drip down my legs.

I hadn't been in this headspace at all after I had started my meds until then. A few weeks go by and it happens again, this time with self harm. I see talk about it, and I have the urge to break my 6 month cutting record and go at it with my razor. I lock myself in my room and wait for it to fade.

It happened another time, seeing a progress timeline, during and after. The first picture captured my interest, it tempted me so bad to go back to the way I was, when I had a desolate look on my face as well, not wanting help and being content as I was, paying no mind to the permanent throb.

I've noticed that as a pattern, now. Any time something mentions self harm, suicide, or the like, I am transported back to that mindest.

Is this normal? Is it a bad thing? Thanks, yall.

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Comments ( 3 )
  • [Old Memory]
    2 years ago

    The law of attraction explains it pretty nicely

    Basically, you start to process and think about things, you see references to those thoughts (like synchronicity), they consume a lot of energy and become a focal point in your life

    It could be thinking about cutting. It could be smoking, drinking, gambling, lying, stealing, manipulating

    You need to answer yourself though if it's a bad thought to have. This is that acceptance phase that's always a little tricky to start with. Now obviously I think that's wrong and you shouldn't do it, but if you really want to change the resolve and accountability is going to have to come from you

    You've recognized the pattern. You know what happens if you continue. You've seen the possibilities of what could be if you don't

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  • RoseIsabella
    2 years ago

    You probably need to take a break from the depression forums, work on yourself and do self care. There's no point in going onto depression forums if the vibe isn't one of recovery rather than say dwelling on the past.

    When you go to one of these forums ask yourself whether it's solution oriented, or problem oriented. If people are just dwelling on their problems that doesn't help you.

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  • KholatKhult
    2 years ago

    I don’t have any experience with autism, but I do have experience first and second hand with depression. Absolutely 100% stick with therapy, having a steady therapist you trust is a huge deal.

    I do suggest the same things to people over and over - exercise and physical projects. The cliche of people saying to go to the gym when you’re upset is annoying I know, but there is a lot of truth behind it. An active body will help you mentally keep on track, and a daily workout and yoga routine provides some killer structure to your days.

    Physical projects whether they be agricultural, artistic, yard work, whatever, build a solid foundation of reward. The project can be anything that fits your interest but it is best when there is the components of physical activity, structural planning, and a physical and visual end project. Even if it’s just mowing the lawn in a checkerboard pattern, it will help.

    As someone who is a diagnosed schizophrenic I understand the issue with “triggers”, and I hate that the word trigger has been turned into some dumb political buzzword. Avoidance is a naughty way to move around, but it will help you in the beginning, just be consciously aware that you can’t avoid forever.

    Relapsing is common, wanting to relapse is expected, and fearing relapse is just the way it goes - all of these are all part of the path to recovery. Find a way to keep your mind, body, and hands, busy !!

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