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It is like half of my life carrying these abusive words with me
Is it my fault that i cant move on?
It can be hard to get past abusive things but at some point you have to take responsibility for yourself. Whatever happened isn't your fault what you do from here is up to you. Start over. Forgive yourself any guilty feelings you have. Get away from the toxic ppl in your life and start fresh. Therapy may help but ultimately therapy or not you have to make the changes you want.
It might help if you vent about here but be prepared for some ppl to be unkind.