Is it normal my "gf" doesn't want to go "official" and is it worth the time?

7 Comments

Hi there.
I just signed up on this page today, because i REALLY!! need advice and i have been desperately reading and looking for advice on this "relationship" I´m having with a girl. I decided, that it might be a good idea to simply ask other people who might have been in the same situation. The story is maybe a bit long but bear with me please. You couldn't get a good picture of it if the text was short.
For starters, I´m 29 and she´s 27, so all good there. I also have to point out, that before her I've had 3 more serious relationships (living together) and quite a few short term or 1 night things. She is a virgin but has had a sexual thing with just 1 guy before me (orgasms but no real sex) and some other less involving things with other guys (just holding hands and maybe kissing etc).

Now to the point of the story. We have been emotionally growing together and holding hands, kissing, cuddling and also enjoying each other's company sexually for about 1,5 years now.

But the problem is, that i feel like, even after all this time, she doesn't actually want a real relationship with me, as she
1) is not willing to make it official
2) has NEVER wanted to come anywhere where my friends are, even though i have asked her many times
3) has never introduced me to any of her friends or even told me their names for that matter and has never called me in to her place when any of her relatives have been there (whom i have never seen either obviously)
4) told me she doesn't want to meet my mother (not even for an official dinner or anything but just simply a few minutes max when my mother had to only come by my place to give me something)
5) to her friends and relatives she apparently mentions me as a "schoolmate with whom she spends a lot of time".
6) she has told me several times, that she thinks we should see other people as well.

Unspecific things: She keeps saying to me about how i want to have too much time with my friends instead of her (although i have given about 30% of my free time to her, about 30% to my friends and about 40% to myself AND i have asked her to come with me to wherever I am meeting my friends) and says that obviously she is on some 2nd or 6th place in my life etc. Really drives me crazy sometimes with that.
Also has threatened to start looking for other men after i have done something she didn't like and for example not talk to me for days and say that we will be over if i decide to stay at some party where I am already at and not come running when she wants me to at 1 o'clock in the night because she thought to herself during the day that we would be doing something alone in the evening.

Now normally I wouldn't bother asking around here and would probably have left that "never-gonna-get-anywhere-relationship" BUT here is why I haven't and what confuses me.

1) She calls me often on the phone and we talk for hours straight and we both enjoy these talks.
2) We message each other all day almost every day including "kisses, hugs, cuddles, talks about wanting to enjoy each other sexually, other everyday talks, good nights, good mornings, etc".
3) We meet up regularly to go for walks, cinema, pub, visit each other at home, etc and every time we do those things, we hold hands, cuddle, kiss each others cheeks (yeah most of the time it´s cheeks because she only likes to kiss on the lips when she´s in a special mood, sometimes not even when we are sexually pleasing each other, but that´s not important here.)
4) She keeps telling me how important and precious I am to her and that she really enjoys being with me and that i make her feel safe and secure and happy.

Okay. I enjoy being with her and she IS important to me as well (not some 3rd place or whatever) and she really makes me feel relaxed and happy inside. Not to mention that i also find her very attractive. And i get it that there are things about me that she would like to change. for example how often i drink or see my friends etc. But...
Is it normal to be like a couple for this long and still not being officially together, all the while getting this much affection and also giving it gladly and also having these fights and everything. Or what the hell should i do about this really. I don't understand what is going on with me and her. Or what might ever BE going on for that matter. should i keep trying and maybe try to improve myself too and also really consider seeing more of her and give less time to myself and friends.
Do you think there is a point in trying to see this through and hope to be happily together with her some day?

P.S. Sorry for the long text.

It's normal to take so long; this "relationship" is not worth it 1
It's normal to take so long; this "relationship" is worth it 1
It's not normal to take so long; this "relationship" is not worth it 9
It's not normal to take so long; this "relationship" is worth it 3
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Comments ( 7 )
  • [Old Memory]
    9 years ago

    Alright, personally I would of prefered a "TL;DR" section to this. I am waaaaaaaaaay too tired to read all this so I will simply answer the title.

    If she does not want to be official with you then she is that concerned with you in my opinion. She may be holding off for another opportunity or is ashamed of being with you (which doesn't mean she should be).

    With this, to me, I would leave it. Give her a few tests on it and if she does not accept being official with your relationship then leave her. She's wasting your time and you could spend that time looking for someone who would be proud to call you their boyfriend.

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  • (s)aint
    9 years ago

    Talk to her about it. I've been seeing a guy since juli and the 13th we got together, this was a bit too long for me to actually wait for someone. BUT since we have had an open an honest communication and hung out with both of our friends, cuddling in public etc etc ... It worked for me to give him time to grow into it.

    She probably has some reasons for not wanting to get official with you, ask her about that and decide from there. 1,5 years is a LONG TIME and I'd never be able to put up with that.

    just these past months insecurities has been killing me and I have known the very exact reasons anyway :L

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  • Nokiot9
    9 years ago

    Yeah. She is hiding something.

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  • Parky_Parker
    9 years ago

    From this story, you are already in a relationship but without the title and exclusivity. Maybe she's reserving you until someone better comes along.

    Tell her what you want. If she does not want the same thing, move on.

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  • RoseIsabella
    9 years ago

    I wouldn't trust her, I suspect she's hiding something from you.

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  • AlphaQ
    9 years ago

    RED FLAGS BRO! Just organize something and flake that bitch off. Its better you do it. Than her.

    Shes not that into you. If she was interested she would have wanted to be your girlfriend from month 1 of seeing each other.

    Alpha males have options. Break it off. Two things can happen 1. she still wants see you and she makes all the effort. Then shes yours. 2. she doesn't come back and doesn't make any effort. That just clarifies that she doesn't want to be in a relationship WITH you.

    Its part of the game bro. You gotta know how to play it. I'm 25. when out with a 21 year old. I wasn't sold on her because there were some red flags. Hooked up with her. Asked her to be my GF at that time but she said no at week 4. She said she wanted to take it extremely slow. At week 6 I tried to organize a date and she flaked. Meaning she wasn't that interested.

    She was kinda leading me on. Calling me good looking, after our little dates saying it was the best 1st, 2nd date and they were amazing.Sending me photos of herself. I'm the most amazing guy ever. Blah blah blah. And I truly played my cards right. I was the gentleman. (Take notes here) I said I chose her because I saw some qualities that I like (being the man). Spoke my feelings how I really felt after she mentioned feelings first. She loved it. She said it was the most amazing thing someones said to her. But these things still happen.

    In the history of man... these things has been ongoing for a centuries bro. Man up be the alpha in this relationship. Drop this bitch and you will have the answer. Its a numbers game. Sorry to hear.

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  • Nordom
    9 years ago

    Also I will now try to describe this from her point of view as much as i am familiar with it.

    She feels, i give her too little attention and that it's almost always her who calls me (although i send her messages all the time and i am interested not only in discussing things i like but also conversations like her nails and hair color and other random things she feels she wants to discuss and she likes that very much).
    She feels that it's always her who tries to get me to go out with her (although i have felt that we both have discussed what to do and when, not just her).
    She feels she's not important to me enough because i sometimes decide to go out with my friends when i could go out with her (although i have asked her to come with me and she never comes).
    She feels like i don't show enough initiative and that she feels like i don't really want to go out with her very much because i spend too much time at home and i don't ask her out as often as she would like (i don't precisely ask her out all that often but more like discuss with her what to do and where to go and if both are satisfied then do it).
    She feels i drink too much and too often and well..she might be right about that, but i do enjoy having a 6-pack of beer when i am with my friends.
    She likes my company and when we cuddle and she very much likes that i always hold her hand when we go out for a walk (i like those things too).
    She doesn't want us to put up pictures with each other on facebook and doesn't want us to meet each other's friends or family because then people might start thinking that we are together or something.
    She is always happy to hear my voice when we speak on the phone and she is almost always willing to come out with me somewhere and so am i.
    She likes talking to me and sharing the things she sees and hears and feels with me and i like it too.
    She feels both emotional and physical attraction towards me and i towards her.

    She doesn't want a relationship with me (at least yet), because she doesn't feel certain and secure about a future with me and whether or not i am the right guy for her.

    "Almost" together with her now for about 1,5 years and neither of us have gone out on dates or had any sexual physical interactions with other people during that time.

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