Is it normal me and my bf broke up because he is obsessed with his family?

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9 Comments

Hello, sorry if this is going to have some mistakes but English is not my first language.

I (23F) was, until two days ago, in a relationship with a guy (27M) who I thought and I still think is perfect for me.
He’s gentle, caring and I sense he loves me very much.

BUT.

He is from a small village in Italy and he and his family are a little narrow minded on some things.
He and I were in a long distance relationship so we didn’t really see each other every day but only 3 days a month or less.
Well, he REQUIRED me to spend as much time as possibile with his close and distant relatives because “seeing you having dinner and talking with them is the biggest joy you can give me”.

So let’s say we had, what, only three nights together? One of them HAD to consist in having dinner with his family (and I reached this achievement of only one night after a lot of arguing, because he thought we had to spend ALL dinners with them) and for the other two nights I had to live in fear that his sister would agree to accompany us anywhere we where going because he “had to ask her to come along with us, I am not leaving her alone at home!!!”
Be aware,she is a perfectly normal woman in her 30s that now has her own family and had been with the same guy with 18 years (Another issue here but not related to my prob).

Furthermore, we HAD to spend time with his grandparents, because “they love you so much” (they’ve seen me less than 5 times and I don’t talk to them except from formalities) even if we had only like 3 hours left together until the next month of more.

I know some of you might say that all of those things are signs of commitment and I know that and I am (was) too very committed to him.
However, I do not enjoy all this family sharing.

While we were with his family he would often leave me alone with his mother to encourage our supposed relationship that he wished to see growing between me and her.
He even asked me to call his mother once a week or more and she kept calling me to “see how I was doing”. Eventually, she stopped doing it since I was being quick and distant.

I am not used to all of this things and I am not ready for them AT ALL.
It is not that I don’t love him, because believe me I do, but I don’t think that I don’t demonstrate enough to him if I don’t do all of those things.

Anyways, he said that my refusal to be more friendly and attached (calls to his mom and sister, pure joy at the hearing of family dinners instead of dates, planning Christmas together with his family and so on) makes him suffer so, after three years of arguing whenever there was a family occasion and I wouldn’t want to go, we decided it was not worth being in the relationship anymore, because of him being upset and me reacting to his mood being upset as well.

Am I the asshole?But is it fair that he requires me to do this things and that they are more important then the relationship itself for him?

Voting Results
85% Normal
Based on 13 votes (11 yes)
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Comments ( 9 )
  • momwatcher69
    4 years ago

    In a nutshell:

    1). The guy was controlling you, to a certain extent.

    2). Couples should have lots of 'together' time, early in a relationship, before they are interwoven into the repective family fabrics.

    3). This relationship was "dead on arrival" when it began.

    4). He seemd more interested in having a "mate" to present to his family, than having a relationship, in the normal sense of the word..... You were 'arm-candy' ?

    5). If you don't fit into "his plans", go to Plan B ..... which is: move on !

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  • BlondeRedhead
    4 years ago

    One way or the other, you and this man were not compatible. Honestly, it sounds to me like you dodged a bullet. Good luck!

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    • RoseIsabella
      4 years ago

      I agree with you!

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  • Boojum
    4 years ago

    Oh, bloody hell... Italian men and Italian families. 🙄

    I'm not Italian, but I lived in Italy for a few years, so nothing you say astonishes me. There are positive things about very close families - and also some very negative things about families where closeness slips into claustrophobic, clinging attachment and the younger members never really grow up into independent adults.

    Clearly, there was a serious mismatch between what you wanted from the relationship and his priorities, and your idea of family life and his. My cultural background and personality makes me agree with you that how he wanted to spend the little time you had together was unreasonable. I suspect his ideal life-partner would be a woman who would smoothly slip into the "correct" role as determined by the traditions of his family. I'm sure there are women - Italian and of other nationalities - who would love to be enfolded into the sticky, judgemental, and probably extremely socially conservative embrace of his family, but you're clearly not one of them.

    You're not an asshole, and it's possible he isn't one either. It sounds like he's just your classic mammone who's incapable of imagining a life outside his family. As someone who left home at 16, I find men like him pathetic, but they've been trained since birth to think of themselves as just an extension of their family rather than as an individual, and the older family members do their best to encourage such guys to never grow up.

    I think you should just be happy that you had a narrow escape. Since you spent little time with his family, I imagine it all seemed pleasant and happy enough, but if you'd signed up to be a full member, I also suspect that you would have found yourself extremely unhappy fairly soon.

    He may be perfect, but he's just part of the package deal you'd be buying if you were to marry him or commit to him as a long-term relationship.

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    • RoseIsabella
      4 years ago

      I love the peace, quiet of living alone. When I wake up in the morning I can sing to my cat, and not give a rat's ass about whether, or not I would disturb anyone. I have enough trouble spending too much time with my own family much less someone else's. And another thing, here in the states a lot of Italian-American people make a really big deal about being Italian, and I tend to find it rather annoying, to much bragging is very annoying, and a turn off for me.

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  • RoseIsabella
    4 years ago

    This actually reminds me a good bit of my second ex-husband. He, his family were not Italian-American, but they were very enmeshed. He actually used to loan his car to his brother all the time, because he, and I used to ride to work together to save gas money, and his brother didn't have a car at the time. To be completely honest, as an Anglo-Colombian girl who grew up in the suburbs of the Houston area it really freaked me out, because my sister, and I have never shared automobiles. I think I have only borrowed my sister's automobile two times in the past thirty years! It honestly freaks me out when people are really super enmeshed with their families.

    I remember talking about how enmeshed my ex was with his mother, and brother to someone, and the person told me that sort of thing is relatively common in Italian, and Italian-American families. I honestly relate much more so to the way middle class Anglo-Saxons relate to their families... meh.

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  • Garthh
    4 years ago

    You should at least try to have a good relationship with his family

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    • LittleBallerina
      4 years ago

      She did, but it sounds to me like she wanted to do it in her own time and in a more natural way rather than rushing into being besties with them

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      4 years ago

      It’s not that I don’t have a relationship with them, I just didn’t see them as MY family, right now.
      However, he required me to feel for them love, affection and to be willing to stay with them as much as he wanted.
      For me a relationship is made of two people, in this case me and him. He wanted me, him and them and I am not that kind of person, I will always choose intimacy over family time.

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