Is it normal if were not having sex and were fine with it?

So I recently expressed my feelings to the guy I've been seeing about a lot of things on my mind. We've been having comittment issues and pretty much laid down everything about where we stand. But before everything, I was fine having sex with him even if we weren't exclusive. It was natural, it was because we wanted to. Then I just started reading these articles and one of them really hit me. It pretty much just said how why he should commit when he is getting everything out of it already. I've read that statement before but idk why this one finally hit me. And what really hit the most was how I'm letting him have me when he's not even my bf. I don't want to ruin what we have and our sex intimacy because it is really passionate. But I kind of wanted to see where it would go if I stopped. And so we did, and it doesn't feel like there's a differenc .

We still cuddle, maybe tease a little, but it doesn't feel like we NEED to have sex. Everything else has stayed the same. Of course I miss it and sometimes fantasize about us having sex but if I don't think about it, its fine. He took it fine too like "okay we don't have to have sex." Is this normal or is this okay? Does this mean anything about what we have like maybe t isnt special after all or it is a good thing we dont need it especially for him because that just means he wasn't just using me for sex? Hes not the player type who needs to have a girl and hes made it clear he has me so he doesnt feel like he needs to talk to anyone else. Sex is a big part of having a good relation and its not like our sex sucked, it's more of we don't need to do it like I thought we did since we would do it a few times a day. I guess well wait until we lose it and can't resist anymore or until we make it official.

Voting Results
58% Normal
Based on 24 votes (14 yes)
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Comments ( 14 )
  • Nokiot9

    Lol he still cuddles with u all the time and ur not putting out? At all? Not even a lil bit? And he isn't ur bf? He sounds like a good guy. I'd be careful the games u play. You might end up losing him because of what some stupid Cosmo article told u to do

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  • Darkoil

    Of course he said he's fine with it as he knows if he needs sex out of you he can probably convince you to. Or he probably thinks you will break and come asking for sex first.

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  • Fall_leaves

    May I ask why you haven't made the relationship exclusive yet?

    Yeah if it works for you guys then what's to judge, sex isn't what keeps a relationship going, it's the connection.

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    • Were long distance and have other priorities so its mutual but he directly mentioned he doesn't want any responsibilities right now in terms of a relationship but he does like me just not ready for a relationship.
      He's just unclear about the future. He says that's how he is and he doesn't like jumping into a relationship w just anyone so he takes his time and I believe him. He did that with his last gf and just knowing him, he's more of the patient, careful type as opposed to the spontaneous type. So he tells me there might be a future there might not so that makes me feel uncomfortable allowing him to have sex with me although before, it felt right regardless if were together officially or not.
      Do you agree with the above comment though? I'm not sure if I should go back to having sex with him because it was a natural connection we had and the fact that he mentioned exactly what the above commentor said, concerns me. Maybe he was right when he said is sex supposed to be "a reward." Its just me trying to respect myself as much as I wish we could go back to having sex cause we wanted to not because it's a "reward."

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      • (s)aint

        Are you exclusive? The guy I'm together with now said the same thing with wanting to get to know me properly and through all this time we were exclusive.

        In my opinion, sex is just sex. Emotions and the feelings you have for this guy is a much more serious thing and I'd start to demand shit from this guy if you ever want anything serious from him.

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        • I dont think sex is just sex. Sex is a huge component in a relationship and if its not passionate, then I believe there's some sort of lack of feeling for each other.
          If sex was just sex for me, I'd still be having sex with him regardless of our status. But because it means a lot to me and idk if it means anything to him, I stopped but it seems like it does mean something to him but he doesn't have to have sex with me to continue being with me. He's still with me and were not exclusive. Its like a casual/open relationship I guess?

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      • Fall_leaves

        To me it sounds like you have all the responsibilities that come with a relationship and more because there's that stress of not knowing if there is a future. Even if it is long distance I think he should make it official, so you can meet his fam and friends and build on your relationship.

        Don't think of it as a reward, you just don't want to have sex because you're uncertain about the direction of the relationship and your partners intentions. Respect yourself, explain that to him though. He doesn't see it that way so explain why you're doing this and that it's out of respect for yourself. Sex isn't a reward it's just a step in your relationship and if you're not even in a relationship yet then you have good reason to not want to engage in that type of intimacy until you have that bf and gf talk and make it real.

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        • Well he has let me meet some of his family already including his cousin and sister. He mentioned because we have gone this far, he's not playing around with me and it means something AMD he just doesn't jump into a relationship right away which is fine w me cause that's how I am. I just really like him so wouldn't mind taking it further now but it's okay.
          The whole sex thing, yeah I'm just trying to let him know hey I realized Im having sex with you and ur not even my bf so I noticed that, I'm not clueless or being easy. But just the fact that he saw it as a reward shocked me...I mean its common sense to understand why I don't want sex right now. My brain is saying no but my heart says yes that if i wanna have sex with him then i should cause its out of love not out of the rulebook or something. So I'm hesitating to have sex with him again and risk looking like I couldn't resist and I'm easy. I'm not gonna have sex w him cause I'm horny, I'm going to cause of how I just feel for him, its harder when its natural.

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          • Fall_leaves

            Ohhh, how long have you been seeing eachother? I get not wanting to jump into a relationship but are you sure there aren't other reasons keeping him from being with you.

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            • I mean maybe he's not that completely crazy about me yet that would make him want to jump into a relationship with me right now, but thats fine. As long as he is honest about his feelings which i'm starting to believe he is, then I'm fine. If he wasn't into me at all then he wouldn't do most of the things he does with me and he wouldn't even bother to talk to me. We act like a couple but we're not an actual one right now.
              So the main reason he told me during our last talk was because he doesn't want any responsibility right now with a gf since he focused on more important things like being financially stable, pursuing his goals, etc which I like. I rather have that than a clingy guy who just gives me all the attention and is not working on himself first. I think a lot of people view relationships in a different way. Me and him see them in the same way thank god. We both view it as something serious like there is a possible "forever" with this person. If we're just gonna be like two people who like each other and hang out and do things with each other, then other people would call that a relationship, but we just don't have a label for it, but we do have boundaries for it.

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  • thegypsysailor

    I'm sorry, but I don't think what you did is cool at all. Sex is not supposed to be a bargaining chip in a relationship. If you withhold sex because you want something, that makes you a whore, trading sex for a reward.
    Sex should be an expression of physical love between to people in a relationship, not a 'gift' your best friend and lover (or is he just your pet?) gets if he does as you wish.
    I'd dump you in a heartbeat and find a woman who gave her favors out of love, not as a reward, like a treat for a dog.
    How valuable is a commitment to you if it's given through blackmail?
    Again I'm sorry to be so harsh, but what you are doing is really disgusting to me.

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    • Its funny how that's EXACTLY what he said, "what I'm supposed to get rewarded for each step?" I never heard anyone say that, let alone all on the same day. But then he continues and said "okay we don't have to have sex then."
      From my point of view, I don't feel comfortable letting him have sex with me and he hasn't committed to me as bf or gf or even let me know if there's even a future. I started feeling like well he is getting everything out of me like a gf would do, not just sex but like companionship, closure, etc so why should he make me his Gf or commit more.
      What u said about how sex should be out of love and basically just natural is what we were doing this whole time and I didn't feel bad it just felt right. But now I just have that idea in my head that I look easy and disrespectful to myself just letting him have me like that.
      I do disagree that it makes me a whore to wait for something in return to give him sex. That I don't see how it makes me a whore. If anything I'm just respecting myself which is completely the opposite of being a whore.

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      • thegypsysailor

        If you are not satisfied with a relationship, you break it off, you don't trade your body to fix things.
        And this shit; 'letting him have sex with me', what do you do, open your legs and read a book while he pounds away? Sex is something a couple does together, not something a woman 'gives' a man. I'm NOT saying you must have sex with this guy, I'm just saying your motives are ALL wrong. You never should have read that mag.
        You sound like a VERY screwed up girl and need to get your head right before you can even begin to fulfill your half of a committed relationship.
        If it was your bf posting on here, I'd tell him to run far, far away from you, because you will not make a very good partner, until you understand that being a couple is NOT at all like rewarding a pet for being good.
        As for the whore thing, well, you are no different than a crack whore, sucking dick on the street for her next fix. You are trading sex for what you want, period.

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        • Lol alrite nvm. I thought you were on to something but you sound completely out of line and angry. But okay.

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