Is it normal if i want to ask him to let me go?

50% Normal

The only reason why I would want to end things with the man I'm with is because he doesn't truly want me. So with that being said, I want to ask him to let me go. So if he does agree to let me go with no hesitation, then I'll feel satisfied he doesn't want me for sure and we can end it and I'll be relieved. If he does hesitate, and I have to explain only to wait for him to finally let me go, then it might be more complicated. It might be more that I pushed him to let me go and I don't want that. I want to make sure that he genuinely doesn't want me. Besides asking him to let me go, how else can I find out if he does want me? If I ask him if he wants me directly, then he's probably going to say what I want to hear and that's "of course I do why do you question it?" I'm a very caring and honest person. I can't move on without knowing the truth. If I leave unsatisfied, it will haunt me. I HAVE TO FIND OUT. I have so much faith too which is why its harder for me to let go because I don't want to let go of something that could've been. Another reason why I have been holding on is because he's a guy and guys show they care in their own way and just his personality. Guys don't necessarily express emotion and neither does he as a person so how can I tell if he really likes me or not? I want to put him through a lie-detector test or something to finally know the truth. Any ideas?

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50% Normal

Based on 26 votes (13 yes)

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Comments ( 26 )

Fall_leaves

9 years ago

Has he been seeing other girls? Do you have him on facebook? He probably misses the company of another person, hS he brought you around his friends and family? If you're thinking about leaving it might be what's best for you.

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thegypsysailor

9 years ago

If you were my lady and you played that sort of game with me, it would be the beginning of a certain end.
You haven't given us any reason to doubt his affection for you, you have just shown us YOUR insecurity. It sounds to me that you will destroy this relationship sooner or later. It's just a matter of time, unless you learn to trust your partner and allow him the dignity of an honest conversation, without these childish games.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  I didn't give any reason because the post would be too long for people to read so I wanted to keep it short and simple. BUT since you insisted....
  1)doesn't show me the same affection in public like he does privately even though he says he doesn't even realize it so should I just forgive him? or he needs to grow balls and change?
  2)Even privately, he avoids conversation with me and lacks interest yet I ask him about his day, his work, what he's up to, and nothing for me only to create conversation for a sec then its back to his own world...and when I do mention about my life anyways, I get no response
  3)he doesn't want to make it official even though we have been seeing each other for about 9 months and we look like a couple to everyone else but he's just scared or hesitating to finally say "we are a couple."
  4)he only says he misses me and things I'd like to hear when I'm gone which takes me to the reasons why I still give him a chance...
  1)we haven't seen each other for a few weeks since we're out of the area so he's made plans for us to be together this weekend. To me, that's a lot of effort for him to make. He's going to drive here for 2 hours to come see me. Everyone kept telling me let him come to you and so he is...but is he just doing this again because he misses me only when I'm gone? What if he just misses having someone around and its not really ME?
  2)In the past, he has given me gifts out of nowhere, but let me mention really confusing gifts.
  3)Something I would always confront him about is if he really wants to hang out with me. He would say "have I ever turned down an offer to hang out with you?" And yeah I realized he never really did. Even though i was usually the one to initiate to hang out, he would always say "yeah sure come over" unless he was tired passed midnight from working. And it wouldn't just be sex, we would have movie nights without hooking up and just to be together. This takes me to my birthday...
  
  He didn't make plans for my bday until my actual bday and it was last minute. He was silent throughout the weekend and nothing...he kept flaking or not making the effort...I don't know if he's just another clueless boy or he doesn't care that much...he has admitted he is clueless and doesn't know how to show affection...do I just let him off the hook then and forgive him and stay with him? or make him change?
  
  Does he really want and like me? Or not?
  
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  - thegypsysailor
    
    9 years ago
    
    Sorry, it all still sounds like your insecurities. You've known the guy for 9months and it seems you still don't know him at all. Anyway, good luck and I hope you figure it all out.
    
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  - MysticLane
    
    8 years ago
    
    duuuuude this guy sounds very similar to my guy. also been together for almost 9 months and we haven't become official yet. I also wanted to know if he cared about me as much as i care about him and we got into an argument about it and he too said he doesn't know how to express his emotions so i told him we needed to take time to think about how we both really feel. it fucking sucks but my plan is to wait atleast a week and then ask him if he still wants to be with me or not. I wish you luck and know so well how you feel.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      8 years ago
      
      That sounds like a good plan, perhaps maybe a little longer but thats up to you. If youre willing to give him space, unlike me, then go for it. For me, I couldnt have done that. I was too scared to lose him forever cause I was so in love with him, kind of unhealthy but yeah. Fast-forward a year later, lol, things are amazing. Wow, looking at all of this, yeah it hits me of how much I was hurting. I remember it like it was yesterday. Im not saying everything is perfect because oh lord, trust me, I still struggle with some of these things. But after all of this, he is still with me and not only still with me, but he has finally shown his affection and emotions for me like never before. I feel like one night it hit him how much he wants to be with me and the next day when he saw me, he was all for it. I was so shocked at how he was acting the first day. Hahah I even rememeber the first night I noticed a change. But anywho, yeah things are great tho compared to back then when all of this was happening. I never let him go, never gave him time to think or whatever, but I did give him an ultimatum a few times and he always chose to work things out. He finally decided to make it official. I mean as corny as it sounds, you fight for love and I def did.
      
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      - MysticLane
        
        8 years ago
        
        damn this gives me a lot of hope.
        my guy ended up texting me 4 days into the break and we met up and talked it out. I basically told him that not being official makes me feel insecure about the relationship and that i feel like we're not on the same page and I was about to leave but he made me stay and told me that if he had to stop seeing me he'd be really upset and it would be really hard for him to get over me. So we didn't end up making it official but the fact that he tried so hard to get me to stay probably means something. & i wasn't ready to let go of the relationship so I'm gonna stick it out and hopefully he'll get to a point where he's comfortable expressing his emotions and if it takes more time then I guess I'm fine with it.
        anyway, i'm glad it worked out for you, didn't realize this post was made that long ago, but it helped a lot. thanks for responding!
        
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        Anonymous Post Author
        
        8 years ago
        
        Haha yeah I didnt realize how old it was too then I read it and was like "oh yeah tough times," everything I wrote is so real like I can feel the frustration all over again. But yeah honestly it wasnt even that long that things changed for the better. So this was a year ago but it stayed that way for a REALLY long time until like I wanna say two months ago. Like I said, I stuck with it, fought for it, but dont get me wrong, I wasn't like annoying and needy lol I tried controlling myself as much as possible which made it so much more harder when all I wanted to do was strangle him for how much pain and stress he put me through. So if you think he is worth it, like I thought he was for me, then I would advise you to wait it out but be strong. Ugh I feel like Im the wrong person to give you advice for this cause he is my first love so I was very stubborn and still am with my feelings when things aren't working out. I could have easily left but I didn't want to cause I thought he was worth it. So trust me if u feel the same way I do, then itll feel better to have him than not have him at all. Plus he directly told you how he feels which sounds satisfying so if you think its worth it, stay and be patient and strong. Hope it works out for you!
        
        Oh and with the whole emotions thing, yes it is a major headache. But he could have his reasons. Maybe he doesn't want to put too much on the table cause hes afraid of getting hurt and sometimes its that he is innocent and doesn't know when hes not NOT showing emotion. This is a common reason why guys dnt know how to express themselves. I did so much research cause of my bf so I feel like I know by now that he does wanna be with me but he wanted to make sure he wasn't going to get hurt again. Hope this helps :)
        
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Vanessa_Brown

9 years ago

Testing someone is always bound to fail. If they "fail" then you have to look back and ask yourself... "Did I do everything to ensure they had the best chance at passing"? If they "pass" then you run the risk it comes out that it was a test and you look manipulative. It will never build a trust because when another issue comes up you will simply run another test. My suggestion... talk about it IN THE MOMENT. Let's take your Bday as an example...
1) Did you ask him why he waited at the last moment? What if someone else had taken you out for your Bday? Would he have been upset that you kept your dinner with the friend instead of him. It opens up the question for him to ask you if would you have chosen to go with him over the friend. I would have called up the friend and explained and seen about going out with both... IF I cared.
2) Did you ask him if something was on his mind during that time he was being a flake? I recently have experienced issues and I might flake out because I am thinking about my issue over making that day special. It wouldn't be on purpose and I would feel bad but at least I would realize I was doing it and try harder... IF I cared.
3) Did you reach over and attempt to make an intimate connection and see his reaction? I know from experience when I am upset at someone I pull away when hurt. If they continuously make an effort I then have to mentally slap myself in the head to stop being so closed off... IF I cared.
Just a few thoughts. It is a hard situation you're in because you are torn. I wish you luck but the longer you go the harder it will be...

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  1) I had told him ahead of time that weekend I'd be celebrating and keep his night open. But I called him that night and he said he was at someone else's birthday. The next day, my bday, this urked me so bad...he texted me asking what my plans are and I was like hello? What do u think? I want to spend it with you how can you not think that? This is where I ask does he care or is he just clueless? It's like were not on the same page.
  Then at the end of my bday, I had tix to a concert I wanted to take him to and although we argued and stopped talking, I was the one to call him back and suck it up on my bday and we went out and the end of the night it was a disaster cause I couldn't hold in my anger anymore and let him get away with it. I wanted him to know that he screwed up and it bugged him of course but fuck it, he needs to know he can't just get away with things even if that's *just how he is."
  
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  - Vanessa_Brown
    
    9 years ago
    
    I can't speak for him because I don't know his intentions. I would gather if he cared he would have thought of something for your bday instead of you making the plans for it. I don't think you are being needy in expecting him to want to at least make an attempt on your bday. I am also not suggesting you didn't have a reason to be upset with him but he might have thought "Why do I want to spend more time with her if we are both going to be miserable the rest of the night". Which was reinforced when you got mad at him. If you feel you have to beg him to spend time with you now it won't get any better in the future. I do have to ask though if you allow your life to revolve around him. Speaking from experience it is too easy to want to be so involved in his life you forget to have your own. My suggestion... go enjoy your life. He'll either come around or he won't... either way you'll have your answer.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      9 years ago
      
      Ya I thought it was a given for him to make plans for my bday which supposedly he did but just his approach was like "if you have other plans then it won't impact me." And yes you're right about him thinking that. He did mention how he went with me to the concert cause it was my bday otherwise he wouldn't have cause it wouldve been miserable and it was.
      I'm not into his life at all but in a way right now my life revolves around him especially with guys. Ive been loyal and really don't want anyone else. Right now, hes made plans for us and is coming to me while I have been talking to him but enjoying my life so right now he is coming around.
      Although were planning to have fun since we haven't seen each other, I do wanna ask him and get it out there "where do we go from here?" Were living apart so what's the point of only "talking?" If we were an actual couple then at least it'd be more secure. But do I stay loyal to him even if were not a couple and living apart? I really dont wanna do that cause I wanna enjoy my life but of course I'd want him in it but not as the guy I'm "talking to" anymore but more. Or at least tell each other our boundaries if we still wanna be something. So if he stutters his response I just want to ask him to let me go cause there's no point anymore like before.
      
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      - Vanessa_Brown
        
        9 years ago
        
        There are so many factors to consider. How old are you both? Is this the first serious relationship either have you been in? In the end it is like a few of us have told you... communicate with him. You want answers? Sit him down and tell him what you want and/or expect. He'll either pull away or work with you on them. The key is making it a safe environment...no pointing fingers or heightened emotions and dealing strictly in facts. Prepare yourself that he really doesn't want it to get any more serious at that time. Be sure you know what YOU are going to do when you hear those answers...
        
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        Anonymous Post Author
        
        9 years ago
        
        Well I did ask him as I planned before we went our separate ways again. So again, he just didn't know how to answer my question "where do we stand?" or "what am I to you?" And he just responded by saying someone he likes...I think. He just doesn't know how to explain his head into words when it comes to these emotional things. But in the end, he explained how he did come all the way here to see me because he's interested and is getting to know me. So basically were "seeing eachother" then I ask "okay thats fine but for a year?" I understand if its been like three months but he goes on to say "well you don't know me that well then because its take a while for me to get into a relationship." I know he was with his ex for five years but he explains the first two years they were "talking." Yeah thats supposed to make me feel better but what if he's just saying to make me feel less concerned. I asked what were the boundaries and he responds saying they were both free and single so if they happen to start liking someone else then they would stop talking to each other. So I get it, I'm also like him (not wanting to get serious and going with the flow) but the difference here is he doesn't give me any answers so I have push him to say something and because he's the only one I've liked this much so I just care.
        I'm really kicking myself now though because I forgot to tell him exactly what I want which I mentioned above and that's to be something not exactly a couple but at least have boundaries such as not talk to anyone else even if we can. I don't want to share him. As for me, I sincerely feel like I'm his and I don't want anyone else. I wish he felt the same. I would think he does but after him telling me "we are free to do whatever so if we happen to like someone else then we'd stop" it makes me feel like okay he will be giving other girls a chance. Now that I'm back home, I want to tell him but not by phone but since I only have that choice now I'd have to text him exactly what I just wrote about setting those boundaries. Or is that not a good idea and just leave?
        
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Robert_Grant

9 years ago

On an additional note: Do not test him, resist him or refrain from him. Actions of this nature will only cause him to want to end the relationship without true reasons. By conducting yourself in the above manner, you are essentially causing him to not necessarily want to end the relationship, but causing him to feel that he needs to.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  It's kind of hard to sit someone down and be open with them when they don't want to or can't be open. But he tries a little and what I get from him is so unsatisfying. Like he doesn't want to say anything wrong so he can still have me around. But who knows when they don't know how to express themselves. Maybe he is trying to say the truth but he can't explain it. So the more I push him and sit him down to have this same conversation, the more tired he gets and feels like he needs to let me go kind of like you said. But I told him I'm sorry I keep bringing it up but you never give me a straight up answer that's why.
  Now that we went our separate ways again area wise, I'm feeling even more unsatisfied because I didn't bring up what I want/expect to him in the conversation and thats setting our boundaries even we are not official such as not talking to anyone else. I don't want to share him. So now that I'm back home, I want to text him that. But texting is def not as good as in person but its not like I can see him tomorrow. So I think texting is the best way especially I get my feelings and his feelings in a clearer way through text. At the same time though, don't want to bother him and make him run away from me.
  Why did you keep working it out with your spouse even through all the mixed signals?
  
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  - Robert_Grant
    
    9 years ago
    
    By reading your response to Vanessa and his response of "If we find someone else" it appears to me as if he just has you as a temporary source of companionship while he's looking for a permanent replacement. Sorry to put it so blunt, but that's how I see it in this situation. Perhaps I'm wrong, but then again if he's taking your actions as pushing him away or clinging on to tightly too early in the relationship this could be creating barriers with his feelings.
    As for working it out with my spouse, it's simply because I married her because of my love for her. True love never dies, it may grow stagnate at times, yet it's like a flower; the bloom may die, but another bloom awaits in the future. I enjoy every bloom as long as possible and try to ensure the bloom doesn't wither and decay.
    
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Robert_Grant

9 years ago

Speaking from experience from me being male and my spouse, I once felt like she didn't want or desire me anymore and was searching for a way to end the relationship or find someone new. In my situation there was more than just physical actions that made me feel this way, I had messages, conversations and actions.
However, once we sat and talked about it, that wasn't the case and we are working past it.
The best advice I can give you is to sit him down and let him know you need to clarify some things that are concerning you and that you want to be 100% open and you want him to be 100% open as well. That this talk is going to be serious in nature and based on your relationship. Once the openness is established don't come straight out and ask him if he wants out of the relationship; but explain to him what you expect from the relationship, where you see it going and your true feelings for him; then follow it up with your concerns and that you feel that he is not committed the same way as you are and then ask him if he has ever considered moving on and if he so desires that you will reluctantly accept his decision without regret for the love you have shared.
When in discussion; try to focus on the positives and if you have something negative to discuss talk about a way to turn it into a positive to change the action or feeling.
You must be open and true with each others feelings for if you aren't early in your relationship; it can be extremely detrimental in the long run; as I have discovered the hard way. The open communication has to work both ways and each of you must be willing to not only share your turn-ons, but your turn-offs as well.

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green_boogers

9 years ago

You are a terribly needy and insecure individual. Most men, including myself, try to avoid women like you at all costs.

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RoseIsabella

9 years ago

Ask him to let you go, WTF? Don't ask, just do.

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TareBear20

9 years ago

Don't do any of that. Simply bring your concerns to his attention. Communication is very important in any relationship. Talk about it over dinner or something.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  He's going to be stubborn about it and act or be clueless about my concerns as if I'm the crazy one. I can't get anything out of him. I feel like its come down to this, to test him or something about the same.
  
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  - TareBear20
    
    9 years ago
    
    It is never ok to test someone under any circumstance. It's disrespectful.
    
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mountain-man82

9 years ago

If you truly dont think he wants you then just leave him. Theres no reason to test him. Itd be much easier on both of you if you just leave.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  I don't TRULY think he doesn't want me. I'm so unsure which is why I want to ask him to let me go and test him in a way to find out. If I was TRULY sure he doesn't want me, then of course I would leave with no problem but since I'm not, I need to find out before I make a bad decision.
  
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  - mountain-man82
    
    9 years ago
    
    Testing him is probably only going to piss him off.
    
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Are You Normal?

Is it normal if i want to ask him to let me go?