Is it normal if i'm wondering what it would be like without him?

Although things have been great with me and my long distance bf, I have been thinking about what it would have been like if I never met him. Maybe met him but not get close to him. He is my first love so I have discovered sides of myself that I never thought I had and I still think I don't have those sides. But he's just brought them out and I hate how he sees this person sometimes that isn't real. If I tell him he causes these sides to come out, he's not going to believe me. I already tried and he says "okay" but like in a "sure" way. Before him though, I have just gotten out of a relationship and was ready to be single and do me, especially that I was in college. But then bam, he comes and like I said, sometimes I wish we wouldve just not gotten closer. But as cheesy as it sounds, I couldn't resist. It was like "love at first sight." I instantly felt like wow I met the guy of my dreams...but at the wrong time. So I could've said no to every offer he made but when you feel that way about someone, you can't hold back. So I went 100% with the flow and eventually we became something. But what comes along with strong love is also strong pain. Ive gone though so much with him that I have always been against. As an individual, I had this pride like I'm never going to let anyone hurt me because I would see it happen and I thought it wasn't worth it. But I now know that sometimes you can't help but be willing to go through so much shit cause deep down you know its wroth it. And that's how I feel about him. I never knew someone could feel like this like okay this is love, when they say "love hurts" "love sucks" I'm like "okay pple its not that bad" but now I get where that was coming from.

But as I look back at everything Ive gone through w him and now, I feel like would I have been a happier person right now? or did he save me from becoming something I'm not? cause when I met him, i said I was single and on a roll and I feel like God sent him to me to keep me grounded. But at the same time, I feel like he got in the way of my potential happiness. I could always let him go but do I really wanna do that? Ugh its like yes because I don't think I am who I want to be because of him but then no because I love him and letting him go would be foolish of me. The long distance helps us be individuals but we still have to consider the other person when we're just living our lives. Emotional responsibility does take away a lot from you and I'm 23 and so do I really wanna have responsibility of a relationship right now? He's 27 but he still feels like my age yet he's already gone through what I'm going through. He had his fun, now its my turn (even tho he did have a gf for a few years before me so maybe he didn't have his fun). Is it a bad sign that I'm wondering about all of this? My love for him makes me happy but what our relationship has brought hasn't been the happiest.