Is it normal if i don't want to come off as clingy?

67% Normal
16 Comments

I feel weird asking my unofficial bf for favors. I mean idk if its appropriate or not. Then I think, as well as others, that I shouldn't be asking for those favors but instead he should already think of doing those things for me. I don't want to come off as needy but at the same time, yeah, he should want to do these for me without me asking. For example, we went to see our families this weekend and then go back to where we both originally live for now. This week, I plan to stay with him at his apt because I need to do something in that area and I have no other place to stay since my apt lease is over. However, I asked if I could when I sometimes feel like he should've offered knowing that I was going to be homeless. Then again, I want him to know that I got things taken care without needing him. Initially, I was planning to meet him at his apt but now that I think about it and other people telling me, instead of meeting him there, he should offer to come and pick me up at my family's house. Like shouldn't he feel like he wants to pick me up and have me stay over? But he hasn't offered. And because he hasn't offered, I feel so annoying bothering about it over and over again because I want to make sure its okay to stay with him. He has said yes but not like enthusiastically. Ugh, I feel so needy and if only he knew that not only can I take care of it by myself but its the fact that I prefer to stay with him and I expect him to offer to do something for once such as come and pick me up even if its an hour and a half away. My ex bf travel to see me and I thought it was too much like he was being really clingy to me. But now that I am dating this guy who I like more but doesn't do as much as my ex did, I miss it and I would love him to do that for me. I'm so conflicted between trying to not portray myself as a needy/clingy girl but also wanting him to make that extra effort and the only way for him to do that is if I initiate the favor first.

Voting Results
67% Normal
Based on 21 votes (14 yes)
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Comments ( 16 )
  • Fall_leaves
    9 years ago

    This guy isn't as into as your ex was. You do sound needy though even if you're not trying to be. The fact that even bothers you at all when you're not even together is needy. I don't find this to be a big deal. He's not going to go out of his way for you, especially if he's your unofficial boyfriend.

    Lower your expectations or breakup with him? Don't expect him to pick you up or visit you, out of the blue you'll be disappointed every time.

    Don't make yourself so readily available, helping him move and shop when you're not even on good terms? Gives off the wrong impression, that you're a doormat and if he's an asshole he will use you. Also the apt thing, don't you have friends in the area that you could stay with so you don't have to ask him?

    How long have you actually been dating him, to feel like he should just know to do things for you?

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      9 years ago

      I don't think I wrote the message clear. I don't ENTIRELY EXPECT him to do these things for me but PEOPLE have been telling me that this is how it should be and sometimes I might be think of that, too, like a little not COMPLETELY EXPECT him to do these things. It's like me being insecure on where we stand. Should he do these things for me? I have told people the same thing you just told me. He isn't official with me therefore, for me, I don't expect him to do these things but then I think well, idk we are seeing each other and we are loyal to each other meaning it means more than just "friends with benefits" so maybe he should do these things. Like I said, its more of me being unsure of what he should/shouldn't do. But I guess in other words, I was right in the first place. He isn't official so I shouldn't take it personal he doesn't do these things even though I hear voices telling me he should.

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      • iEatZombies_
        9 years ago

        Based on where your relationship stands, even with the feelings of your invisible relationship string, him letting you stay with him as your unofficial boyfriend that you have no choice but unofficially break up with is a really big deal. His emotions are spiraling over this. He probably questions whether or not he's just a means to an end, with the rides and the shelter, etc. Like you're this girl he really cares about and you keep insinuating you'd like more stuff from him. Your friends sound either stupid, selfish, or full of shit. Stop listening to them, they'll ruin what could be the start of something long and important in your life. Just because he isn't enthusiastic about doing you favors doesn't mean he doesn't care. He probably wants to make sure you actually care about him.

        Also, never ever let other people in your relationship. It will ruin you every time. It's hard enough to be in a relationship with one person, don't invite your friends or family.

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      • Fall_leaves
        9 years ago

        Like the people telling you he should do these things for you, I don't get it, if he's not your boyfriend what do they expect him to do?

        Why aren't you official if you're in love with him and loyal to eachother? That's where the issue lies, not being sure of what your relationship with him really is. Does he express feelings of wanting to be with you like in a relationship or are you just unsure of where he stands at all with you?

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          9 years ago

          Because they know he's the guy I am talking to right now and he's the only one so they just expect it to be serious in a way. I am "dating" him in old school terms so in a way its like testing him if he does the right things AMD also vice versa.
          Were not official because at the end of the day I believe were boh afraid of commitment. Were gonna live like two hrs away focusing on our career so we feel like not taking it to that next level is best to prevent really big issues in the future. I mean it does seem we are carrying everything a relationship possesses, loyalty and crazy about each other, so why not just call it official? It's just the idea of a relationship means more pressure and more problems and we wanna deal w those the least as possible. Of course if things were perfect and went the exact way I planned, I'd ask him to be my bf.

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          • Fall_leaves
            9 years ago

            Yeah I see where you're coming from. So there are at least boundaries, either of you wouldn't be ok if the other cheated/lied. All that pressure and problems though kind of follow you whether or not you call it official. In the span of knowing eacother have you ever made it official or has this always been your relationship? I guess if you've always been between the lines then it might just work for you and making it official wouldn't make a difference.

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            • [Old Memory]
              9 years ago

              **Smacks Fall_leaves really hard in the face**

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  • Crμsades
    9 years ago

    Typical contradicting female mindset. You want your partner to be the initiator yet you associate initiating with clinginess, when mentioning your EX. Well let's think about it for a bit. You say you miss those gestures yet you ran away from that climate and now you want your actual boyfriend to retort to being needy so that YOU can gain the upper hand exactly like you did with your ex. In other words, to drop him like a fly. But you can't do that,cant't you? Since he's so indifferent it's a challenge for you. A challenge you can't get away from until you can prove to yourself that you're capable of taking control.

    And that is why i just stick to fucking women then dropping them,without having to deal with all the emotional carousel and fight for control that you're subjected to during a relationship.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      9 years ago

      Lol nope got it all wrong. This is a completely different situation. Why the ef would I wait to prove I can have control then drop him? Might as well drop him now! cause I already have control. But thats not the situation here is it? That's why I'm saying I'm conflicted because idk if he should be making the effort or not, where do we stand in that. Its a matter of who should do it and do they care enough to do it. And I mentioned that I like this guy more than my ex and I didn't elaborate on that much cause I thought just that would take care of it but what I meant to say was I love this guy and didn't love my ex so him doing all of that for me didn't mean as much as it would be if someone I love did it. And I didn't run away from my ex because of that, I just said I thought it was a little too much so I didn't like it that much

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    • Fall_leaves
      9 years ago

      So I hate to agree with you but I'm agreeing with you.

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  • green_boogers
    9 years ago

    You ARE clingy. Forget about male attention. See if you can make your boyfriend happy, just to prove to yourself that in a small way you can make the world a better place.

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  • AppleMind
    9 years ago

    What extra do you do for him?

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  • 69
    9 years ago

    i did not read the previous comments but at "an hour and a half away" i could tell you're looking for a white knight. that is not something to expect from a guy, it's not like picking u up at airport or something. id pick u up at bus depot or train station.....

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  • KeepsakeDoll
    9 years ago

    No, don't expect him to do those things. Especially since it's unofficial.

    Even if you guys are loyal to each other, guys tend to be oblivious as to what women want from them. If you want him to start doing things you want him to, just suggest it or ask.

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  • mountain-man82
    9 years ago

    The only way I see this being resolved is to either become official or to explain your feelings to him. That way you both have a clear understanding of the relationship and what you both want/need from it.

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  • Anonymous Post Author
    9 years ago

    @applemind I helped him move out from his old apartment to his new one even when I shouldn't have because we weren't on good terms cause of him and I put it aside and did it anyways. I also helped him pick out new stuff for his new place and was just there for him. I'm also just there for him in general. He barely asks for any favors cause who knows, maybe he also expects things from me or he doesn't like to ask for any. But I also feel like he has everything and he doesn't need anything from me like tangible things. But I am always there for him.

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