Iin: i want this to happen again??

a good decade ago, i (f) experimented with a friend (also f) i realised she had a nasty side to her. she'd want to be friends with just me, then say i couldn't do anything properly, send me nasty texts, frequently calling me a fat, ugly, “f***ked-up spastic” . (being accurate doesn't make it not rude.)
once she even rammed my leg into a metal table, laughing as it went into spasm and shook and i cried with pain. i was so traumatised i vomited all over myself and wet myself.

i no longer listen to certain songs because i'm reminded of her, but it felt so good when we experimented (her hand on my, er, front, rubbing it through clothing) that all i want in the world is a repeat performance. i'm thinking of getting into contact with her so i could have one. pins and needles shot all down my legs, my front went heavy, my legs went light...... male/female, both, neither, as long as someone does it i care not

please tell me someone else has had similar experiences?? what do you suggest??