Is it normal i need help without needing it

Since a few years ago I'm a disaster. I never had what people call "love to life" I don't know to to say it differently, but basically, I don't care/mind if I die, not even in an 1h, or in 10 years. I find life boring, repeating, paying bills until I die. I don't want to live, simple as that, I want to experience everything I find nice/fun, like do drugs, having sex, etc. After I accomplish all those "desires" I want to die, but I vent kill myself because I have a good family, a good group of friends and a good girlfriend, without any problems, or in just coward, I think I'm coward. I honestly don't know how I would react if my family die. I know how to fake emotions, personalities, moods, everything a normal person do. I think I'm kinda sociopath. All the traumas I had In my childhood etc. I think I have serious problems, I think I have clinical depression for a few years now, and I'm fine with it. I do drugs Bc I can smile without fake and be happy without faking it, I do drugs to feel good. Am I a snowflake?