Is it normal i felt violated by my boyfriend sometimes during sex

38% Normal
24 Comments

So I broke up with him a while ago, but every once in a while I think back to this and get a very unsettling feeling that I can't shake
There were sometimes when I felt violated after we would have sex even though it was 100% consensual. Like a lot of times I just felt like a sex toy and it felt very rapey.
He never really put effort into pleasuring me and wouldn't eat me out or try positions that I wanted to try. We never talked during sex it was always really silent so a lot of the problem was that we didn't communicate enough. But still can't help but feel violated and really mad at him and myself.

Voting Results
38% Normal
Based on 13 votes (5 yes)
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Comments ( 24 )
  • Boojum
    6 years ago

    Sex should be about two people coming together and each being mainly focused on what the other wants and needs. If they both do that, then they both have fun and it's a positive experience for both. What you describe is nothing like that, so I'm not surprised it left you feeling unsettled.

    People have picked up on your use of the word "rapey", but I can sorta understand why you said that. You say you consented to the sex, even if sometimes reluctantly. You did not consent to be used. Consent to sex does not indicate that the person is willing to be treated like a lump of meat that happens to have a vagina, penis, anus, or mouth which the other person can use however they wish.

    Nor is consent genuine if it's only given after manipulation or the application of psychological or physical coercion. It's not surprising if you felt used and abused after sex if that's what he routinely did.

    Perhaps what really bothers you is that you put up with this as long as you did? Since you eventually got out of the relationship, it sounds like you knew it wasn't healthy, as well as just not being much fun. And yet there was something that kept you going back to him for some time, and you kept saying "yes" to things you knew you'd regret.

    Most of us have been in situations at least a little like that, so doing and feeling that doesn't make you weird. If the other person is highly manipulative and we're very susceptible to their button-pushing, we can get stuck with them for some time. Some people end up locked in those toxic relationships for a lifetime, so you're doing better than them. Whatever his appeal, you had sufficient self-respect and mental-resilience to break free, so that's a very positive thing.

    The best you can do is try to learn from this unpleasant experience.

    It seems to me unlikely that the guy's behavior during sex is a huge contrast to how he treats you and other people socially. Think about things you saw in a non-sexual context that might have tipped you off that he was a user, and avoid guys you meet who show those same traits.

    Communication is, as you mention, very important during sex, as well in the rest of any relationship. If you meet guys who aren't able to talk to you respectfully and honestly as one adult to another, think about how that might work out in the sack.

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    • MysticLane
      6 years ago

      thank you this is really well put and I think you're right about everything

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  • RoseIsabella
    6 years ago

    It's important to communicate your needs to your partner, but it's also important for your partner to have a genuine interest in what your needs are and actually ask you what your needs are. It's not that complicated. When another person makes it clear that he or she is expecting you to meet his or her needs, but had no intention of meeting yours that's when you need to cut your losses and run. The first time some jerk won't eat you out, and has the nerve to expect you to go down on him should be the last time. Seriously, ask for what you want, and if he says no, but still expects to get his like the disgusting pig he is tell him that is unacceptable, and then walk. Never make exceptions for men who think they can treat you and talk to you any kinda way!

    It's better to be alone than with the wrong person, especially when the wrong person is a piece of shit who just wants to use you.

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    • MysticLane
      6 years ago

      thanks. unfortunately i realized this really late and stayed with him for longer than I should have

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  • rayb12
    6 years ago

    You do know there is such thing as rape. And you should be very careful when using this word. Not only did your ex bf do nothing wrong, but you just admitted you didn't communicate how you felt.

    How you can see this as another person's shortcoming is beyond me. You have a mouth don't you?

    You could have at least texted him to say what you liked and how you felt.

    I would feel violated too if I never spoke up when my partner did something I didn't like in the bed. But I wouldn't be so stupid and arrogant to get mad at them. And then type about it online painting myself as a victim analogous to a rape survivor.

    You messed up, sorry that men are not telepathic sweetie

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    • MysticLane
      6 years ago

      furthermore im looking for females opinions because most men won’t understand what being violated feels like anyway

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      • Kevinevan
        6 years ago

        That's a fucked up statement if ever I've heard one.

        I hope you upvoted yourself but I am sure there are other cunts like you on this site that agree with you.

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      • rayb12
        6 years ago

        And yet I have literally been violated, and you know, fucking said something about it. And you have not. Enjoy your victimhood bitch.

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        • MysticLane
          6 years ago

          yeah because you would know what i have or have not experienced. fuck off go be a cunt somewhere else

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          • rayb12
            6 years ago

            Oh you're such a poor pathetic girl you just suffered so much from ur bf consensually fucking you. And you were too weak to say it made you uncomfortable. Luckily there are enough strong women who advocate for themselves instead of hating men that scum like you will get bred out of existence. Good riddance

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    • MysticLane
      6 years ago

      looks like i triggered you somehow.
      never said i was a rape victim or anything like that. and it wasnt about him doing things that i just didnt like it was much more than that

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      • rayb12
        6 years ago

        I'm so sorry this was a viscious over reaction on my part. I don't know what you've been through, and feel awful for making assumptions and name calling. Those words should never be said, you did not deserve to be spoken to in that way. Im sorry for saying such hurtful things. That was wrong.

        I also see now how I could be wrong entirely giving a partners pushiness and their lack of asking about certain things could in certain cases be totally egregious. You also never asserted to having been raped only to having felt violated which I can't deny.

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        • MysticLane
          6 years ago

          thank you I really appreciate that

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  • Carlton03
    6 years ago

    Well maybe that just wasn’t his thing to go down on you, it’s not like he didn’t and then demanded you do that to him, or at least you didn’t say so, don’t know why or how rose isabella jumped to that conclusion? yes you should have sat down and spoken to him, can’t be angry at him he has done not even the slightest thing wrong based on what you have written here, how the hell could any of that made you feel ra***? God damn be careful using such a word idiot!!!

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    • MysticLane
      6 years ago

      rapey probably wasn’t the right word. I understand thatI would never accuse him of raping me. I just meant that I felt like he only cared about how he felt and didn’t care if i was enjoying it or if i felt uncomfortable. for instance there were times that i told him i didnt feel like having sex and he would guilt me into doing stuff and not even try to make me feel good.

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      • Carlton03
        6 years ago

        Okay, yes it wasn’t, thanks for explaining and admitting fault, I appreciate honesty, well than if that’s the case I would say that he’s a selfish person and inconsiderate, if there’s times where you weren’t in the mood for it he should have considered that and respected your decision, I’m obviously not cognizant of the intricacies of your relationship but sounds like you did the right thing by dumping him.

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      • RoseIsabella
        6 years ago

        He sounds like a very selfish person. Was he a narcissist?

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        • Kevinevan
          6 years ago

          She never voiced her displeasure and is complaining long after the fact. This idiot didn't even realize it until way after the fact. So what did this guy do wrong exactly, to warrent being labeled a narcissist or even selfish for that matter?

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          • MysticLane
            6 years ago

            its not that i didn't realize it until now it's that I thought that it didn't really matter how i felt i guess. i admit that i didnt voice displeasure all the time but when i did nothing changed. and i feel like there are also things that should have been obvious like atleast trying to get me to orgasm sometimes or that i would always do things he wanted me to and that he never would try things i wanted him too

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            • Kevinevan
              6 years ago

              I get that he was most likely clueless but I don't see any malice on his part, based on what you have written.

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  • Nickvey
    6 years ago

    ha ha ha . thats a story and a half

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