Is it normal i do not feel sympathy for people who let themselves be abused?

54% Normal

I'm not referring to people who are abused against their will, but I am referring to people who let themselves be in abusive situations thinking the abuser will change or for whatever reason. I know it sounds heartless of me and I have tried to be understanding, but there's really nothing to understand. Not only do I not feel sympathy for them I somewhat feel they deserve it and I look down on them just as much as the abuser and will explain why I think this way.

Someone who lets themselves be abused can not stand up for other people. For example if there is a man who beats his kids and wife, his wife who was also abused is still responsible for him hurting the kids, unless she is physically confined and unable to leave or do anything. She has no excuse for not taking the kids and leaving and even if the abuser had a good lawyer stopping someone like that is as simple as killing them and it is not that hard to get away with killing someone. If you are not willing to kill for your children's safety you are a failure of a parent and as a person in general so I give no excuse for anyone to tolerate abuse towards themselves or others.

I don't blame the victim in all situations because sometimes you cannot tell what somebody will do, but I do think some victims are just as bad as the predator and should be equally judged.

Voting Results

54% Normal

Based on 41 votes (22 yes)

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Comments ( 33 )

dom180

9 years ago | pl

You need to understand that abusers are deeply manipulative and very good at pulling the wool over the eyes of their victims. It's psychological, and psychological restraints are as effective as physical ones. If you think you're immune to it, you are wrong. It can happen to anyone. Blaming the victim shows a fundamental lack of emotional depth or imagination. I don't like to say "you wouldn't understand", but unless you've been in an emotionally abusive relationship you probably wouldn't understand how difficult it is.

Are you really saying you blame a mother for refusing to kill the father of her children, a man she loves, who has manipulated her on a deep psychological level? That sounds extremely cold. I really think you need to work on your empathy skills.

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- dragonfruit33
  
  9 years ago
  
  my brother blames my mother for not standing up for herself against my abusive father........and says it is the reason he is gay because my mother was a poor female role model in his life, that lacked strength, and twisted his overall image of a woman into something negative...hence only wanting to be with men, because to him ALL WOMEN are now weak.
  
  Anyhow I concur with dom180, if my mother and father divorced, where would we have been now? I don't reckon better off. My father still helps out with payments of our education and housing.
  
  And maybe my brother sees it differently. Because I see my father as some EVIL TEACHER, that is here to test my strength........and if I walked off like my brother did, then I would have never learned the lessons I did to make me a deeper emotionally alert person. They say before you incarnate you choose your parents to teach you certain lessons.
  
  And if you look at it in a realistic way....my mother is also psychologically closed off to my father due to his emotional shut down from her.....so it is just one of those things of the one punishing the other for not being there when they truly need each other...so who is in control? Isn't it her way of fighting back?
  
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  - dom180
    
    9 years ago
    
    It's a good thing to learn from the bad things that happen to you, and I think it's great that you have. Difficulty in life is necessary to learn the right lessons. It sucks about your parents, but at least you are able to get some positive lessons out of it.
    
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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  Even if they are good at manipulation why can't people think for themselves? It's pretty obvious to me that peoples behavior doesn't change and if they do something they are likely to keep doing it. I do blame people for loving someone who is cruel towards them because they shouldn't take any shit from anyone.
  
  I'm pretty sure I am completely immune to emotional manipulation although I think I can be tricked in things like financial situations but it only works once and then I know not to trust them.
  I have no emotional needs from others and have a very good sense of thinking for myself. I would never tolerate someone betraying me.
  
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  - dom180
    
    9 years ago
    
    People shouldn't take shit, you are right, but I don't think that is in contradiction to what I'm saying. Standing up to someone you are dependent on for emotional care when they hurt you creates intense cognitive dissonance, and for a lot of people the reaction to cognitive dissonance is to freeze up out of stress and do nothing. It's a subconscious psychological reaction, and they can't be blamed for it. The dependence that creates the conditions for cognitive dissonance isn't the victim's fault either; for many people it is all they know until they learn how to be independent, and they may not even recognise the depth of the dependence until it's too late.
    
    Some people do have stronger external emotional needs than you, and turning those off would mean living an unfulfilled life. I don't think it's fair to suggest that they should live an unfulfilled life just because opening up is a risk to emotional harm - you should show them sympathy even if you are unable to understand their problems.
    
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  - dragonfruit33
    
    9 years ago
    
    as i said bro.......life is a place, where unfortunately you have to take a lot of sh*i*t, even if you don't want to. It makes you stronger in a sense.......facing your fears or doing something that tests your resilience.
    
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  - daydreamer394
    
    9 years ago
    
    Not everyone's like you. Some are brought up in such a way or are damaged and have low self esteem. And before you blame them, if they've been unloved then they are taught they are undeserving.
    
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Fall_leaves

9 years ago

I think a lot of people take your view on these situations, they often times question the victim.

You mentioned it's not all cases of abuse that you feel this way but all cases of abuse are mentally and physically exhausting. It's constant destruction of a persons self. The victim gets to a point where they feel dependent on their abuser, and the abuser then has the control.

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- dragonfruit33
  
  9 years ago
  
  life is a constant power play...call it the JING-YANG principle of life... everyone gets their turn to be either the victim or perpetrator. PS life is exhausting....but we are still standing.....maybe life is just a test to see how much we can take before we fold.
  
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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  They shouldn't have let it get to that point in the first place. If somebody did something like that to me I would never think to give them a second chance.
  
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  - Fall_leaves
    
    9 years ago
    
    It doesn't have to be physical abuse, emotional abuse can be just as destructive. If someone already has low self esteem then it wouldn't be difficult to abuse their trust. Some people aren't strong enough to get out of a relationship that hurts them.
    
    Good for you though, if you know anyone in an abusive relstionship though try to be emphathetic to their situation and support them, support goes a long way.
    
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    - dragonfruit33
      
      9 years ago
      
      take up my mother's attitude.....she says my father will not be rid of her easily...and as a punishment he will be stuck with her until he dies........so no hanky panky on the side..maybe in hell.
      
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  - dragonfruit33
    
    9 years ago
    
    YES but unfortunately this is not only in LOVE RELATIONSHIPS.........in business you sometimes just don't have a choice but to stuck it out for survival alone. And i think many abused women see it the same way. THEY WOULD RATHER put up with the man's s..h..i..t than be on the streets without food.
    
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ThisIsImpossible

9 years ago

Yeah, all you have to do is kill them, and it's not even that hard to get away with it. Hahahaha you're obviously a genius to be figuring out simple solutions to complex psychological situations you need a fucking Nobel prize or something buddy you just ended abusive relationships with three short paragraphs.

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- dragonfruit33
  
  9 years ago
  
  let us accept that he wrote it as a venting...he did not mean literally kill..he just wants them to stop torturing him in his mind...he has not learned well how to play with his own demons yet...give it time...and they will silence...
  
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  - ThisIsImpossible
    
    9 years ago
    
    Is this like an asian zen parody of pointing out the obvious
    
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Shoefish

9 years ago

I was emotionally and sexually abused by an ex. I left but I didn't realise the extent of the abuse until awhile afterwards. Dom180 is right about abusers pulling the wool over the eyes of victims. I thought I had a strong mind that couldn't be manipulated but I've been proven wrong on multiple occasions.

It's definitely upsetting hearing of people sticking around if they know their children are being abused by their partner though.

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college

9 years ago

The murder portion of your post is silly, but I must admit I too get frustrated when I see people just taking abuse. There are a lot psychological aspects of abuse that I don't fully understand, so I can't speak much on it. However, when an innocent child gets thrown into the chaos, I get pretty upset when I hear that no one stepped up to protect the kid.

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- dragonfruit33
  
  9 years ago
  
  maybe it is the kid's lesson for future purposes...he will seek what he gets denied in his home life...so he will be a better person filled with more love and self understanding when he grows up.
  
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ExoticMayanSaturday

9 years ago

The victim can think for themselves but you have to put yourself in someone else's shoes maybe a woman abused for years by her husband before and after kids he is a bigger person and she is helpless and he threatens her so badly that's she's too scared to go to the cops now that's a serious abuser to frighten someone so much they feel like they can't go to the cops, maybe they live in a small town and maybe all of his buddies are in the police force and maybe since it's a small town he doesn't think she needs to use the car to get around just home alone with the kids no where to go no company (abusers don't usually let the victim have any company they want to control) and that bigger being that man gets in her face and tells her that if he finds out she tells anyone he will hurt one of the kids. Think about that. You need to consider every situation possible before having 0 empathy. I'm not saying every victim doesn't have a way out but some really don't.

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dragonfruit33

9 years ago

Any case it is normal to feel this way, not wanting to acknowledge that YOU TOO allow yourself to get abused, directly and indirectly in everyday life, OUTSIDE of your familial home......in life everyone abuses everyone, everyone takes something of someone...that's life. And sometimes you have to deal with it, and ask maybe what can you give or what is that they want to take so badly to gain a better understanding of yourself or even give them something better in return. It is scary to face your shadow self that does not always want to see how weak it can be...but sometimes your weakness is a strength in disguise.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  Life can fuck us all but there's a difference between abuse and normal give and take scenarios.
  
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  - dragonfruit33
    
    9 years ago
    
    Yeah I guess you are right...some are sadist...some are masochists...and some just refuse to use their freewill to break free... i used to make such people's problem mine...but not anymore... i am done crying for people stuck in abusive relationships and i am done trying to save them... i have learned to gracefully let go by respecting some people's freewill.
    
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Imnotembarrased

9 years ago

I agree. Fuck Them!

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- dragonfruit33
  
  9 years ago
  
  say a secretary works for you that gets abused by her husband, are you going to hit her with the f..bomb and bade her farewell when she has good skills to push your business forward? your response was really emotionally immature....put yourself in the other person's shoes before judging...i used to hate my mother for not doing something and not getting out...but i think in the end...justice is served WHEN SHE SHUTS OFF TO MY FATHER until his death...they are living in their own little hell...and my mother is reclaiming her power by BEING A MIRROR of his behaviour.
  
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Parky_Parker

9 years ago

I am in my mid 20s, strong-willed, and financially stable. I've also had the support of my family. ALSO, I DON'T HAVE KIDS. I've never been physically abused.I would never tolerate abuse. I would automatically call the police if someone put their hands on me and I would never associate with them again. I always look for red flags before I start dating someone. I'll kick him to the curb if I even see him disrespecting a waiter or his mother. It's always been that simple for me.

But I can't compare myself with a woman that has no close family, is financially unstable, and has 3 kids with her abuser. There are different situations and some are harder than others to get out of.

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- dragonfruit33
  
  9 years ago
  
  are you telling me you have never been emotionally abused? here is a note - everyone gets fukkkked by life, no one dies a virgin. that is life...it is cruel. end of story.
  
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  - Parky_Parker
    
    9 years ago
    
    You missed the point.
    
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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  It's worse when they have kids because at that point they are putting their kids in an abusive situation. If they are that bad off the kids should be taken by child protective services. Also there are battered women's shelters for these kinds of things.
  
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  - dragonfruit33
    
    9 years ago
    
    if kids are allowed to choose their parents and the environment of their upbringing before they incarnate in this plane...then it is part of their journey......or maybe it is just what you make of the situation in your life.
    
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charli.m

9 years ago

https://www.ted.com/talks/leslie_morgan_steiner_why_domestic_violence_victims_don_t_leave

It seems to be down atm, but maybe wait a few hours then watch this.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  Watched it but still don't get why she didn't leave. Anyone should know that if somebody does something like that they will keep doing it. She said the same things I hear other people say like she thought she could help him, etc. She obviously could have left any time and loving someone who hurts you is stupid.
  
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- dragonfruit33
  
  9 years ago
  
  this link is better, faster streaming: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1yW5IsnSjo
  
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Are You Normal?

Is it normal i do not feel sympathy for people who let themselves be abused?