Is it normal i did this and i want him back

47% Normal
6 Comments

I'm going to keep this as short as I can, if anyone wants extra details I can provide in the comments section. I know I was wrong and I'm not justifying it, just explaining why I did what I did at the time.

About a year ago, I was diagnosed with HPV (the kind which can cause genital warts). At the time, the only people I had slept with in almost a year were my best friend and my ex boyfriend (who has only slept with one girl other than me, and that was about 8 years prior to my diagnosis - so he was out of the picture). I had been sleeping with my best friend for about two months before my diag, and also for 2 years before that (apart from when my ex boyfriend and I were together). Therefore I assumed he had given me HPV, and told him to get a test.

He told me his test was clean - I knew this must be untrue as we had had regular sex around the time I was diagnosed and symptomatic, before I knew I had it. I also thought I felt a lump on his penis before I was diagnosed, which prompted me to get tested. So when he told me his test was clean I was sure he was lying - what I did not know is that there is no HPV for men.

I was distraught following my diagnosis and asked several different doctors for advice - all of whom said there was no point telling my partner as a) it is so common (80% of people have it) he probably had it before sleeping with me as he had already had multiple sexual partners and b) because it is harmless. One doctor said it was like having a cold, another said that if you have sex with more than one person you should assume you have it. This, in combination with the fact I thought he was lying and knew he had it already, led me to not speak to him about it. And the fact that I thought he had given it to me, and that I was so upset about it and did not want to talk about it. We also discussed STD's generally and he said he didn't think they were a big deal, which added to my conviction that he knew he had one and was just trying to get me to break the silence first so that he could blame me for it.

I was treated for my outbreak and was told that was probably the end of the matter, and that I could consider myself HPV free after 3 months if I didn't have a recurrent episode. So after that time I kept sleeping with my friend. However, last month (almost a year later) I had another outbreak, and at that point when talking to a doctor while being treated discovered that there is no test for men.

I then refrained from sex with my friend, and told him about the diagnosis. I was honestly expecting him to say that he already knew, but he had no idea and went completely ape shit. We haven't spoken since then, and I just miss him so much.

I don;t expect sympathy - the truth is, I only realised it was a big deal when he reacted how he did, as the doctors acted like it was nothing. but since then I have realised I should have talked to him about it immediately - and I would have done if I had realised he didn't know he had it.I am at a loss as to how to fix this and I miss him terribly.

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47% Normal
Based on 47 votes (22 yes)
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Comments ( 6 )
  • RoseIsabella
    9 years ago

    Just forget about him and move on. Yes, you should have told him about your test and yadda yadda yadda, but technically he lied to you by saying he had been tested and came back clean since according to the doctors there's no HPV test for males. It appears to me that ya'll have some major communication issues and the common denominator is sex. If I were you I'd move on with my life, because this relationship is too lacking in transparency on both sides.

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  • Tommythecat.
    9 years ago

    I heard that 80% of the population has a form of hpv. So he probably had it anyway, most people do.

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  • [Old Memory]
    9 years ago

    You should have told him when you found out. The damage is done. Let him calm down about it and hopefully he will come back to you, but he might not. Just wait and see I guess.

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    • Anonymous Post Author
      9 years ago

      Honestly, I really don't see why I should have told him. I did seek medical advice repeatedly and I was told, by a doctor, that if you are having sex with someone who has had sex with anyone else, you pretty much oughta assume they have it/you're gonna get it.

      I wouldn't say to someone, I've got a cold, stay the hell away from me, and I didn't say to him, I've got HPV, let's sit down and talk about it. The medical advice I received is that they are the same in terms of commonness/seriousness.

      I know there's stigma because it's an STD and S = dirty = bad but really, I spoke to a bunch of doctors and they all said it was no big deal and no need to talk to him.

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      • [Old Memory]
        9 years ago

        If you have any kind of contagious illness the responsible thing to do is to tell the people who are around you that you are sick or to keep your distance until you are sure you wont spread it anymore. Just assuming everyone has it or is going to contract it someday is very irresponsible, I don't care if a doctor told you. A doctor once told me I had cancer without ever giving me any further testing. Doctors are not almighty beings, they are people who make mistakes and sometimes give bad advice just like everyone else. It does not really matter now because it is in the past. All you can do is move on.

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        • Anonymous Post Author
          9 years ago

          Yeah I understand that but this isn't cancer, it's something which is harmless (this strain is harmless for everyone and not associated with cancer etc unlike certain strains) and also normally symptomless (for 95 percent of people) - and I actually consulted three different doctors who all said the same thing in various different ways. I don't know, I'm not being defensive or justifying it, I guess it's just that if you say it it sounds like a really huge deal and there's stigma around it, when in reality it's kinda no big deal at all - unless you're one of the unlucky 5 percent in which case you get a couple skin coloured bumps occasionally which are smaller and less unattractive than ingrown hairs. It's not like being sick and infecting someone with something harmlful, at best it is harmless and symptomless and at worst it is cosmetically unappealing, but still basically unnoticeable. Especially as I'm pretty sure this guy gave it to me in the first place, it just didn't seem worth having a nasty conversation about. Curious to hear your opinion - not saying I was responsible in my behavior, but I don't necessarily think I was irresponsible either as I didn't threaten anyone's health.

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