Is it normal i can stop all empathy?

I get weeks in which I can stop all feelings, I literally feel like a robot. I am still very emotional each time I decide to feel. It's somehow like emotions don't come naturally for me, I have to decide to accept them first. I have been dealing with depression my whole life and in the past few years have developed anxiety too. I have no idea how I can possibly be so sensitive and so cruel in the same time...When I don't allow emotions they just stay at bay, like they're not even real so I have issues adapting to real emotions and ones that I wish I had. I have considered going into therapy but for now I can't afford it. Would appreciate an honest opinion...