Is it normal for guys to be so effortless?

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Can some guys be into someone but still lack the effort to show her? I know that some guys lack expressing emotion because of past experiences. My bf recently confessed that 5+ years ago he had his heart broken by his ex who he really liked but she left him for another guy. Forwarding to today, he tells me hes been taking things slow with me (more than a yr) cause he's holding back to prevent from heartbreak. I mean I was pretty glad there was some reason why he lacked effort and now I can try to understand. So we kept talking and seeing what do we do to fix our problems.... and I told him to finally either acknowlege me as his gf or not and we'll stop doing whatever we're doing. He said he'll want to try being bf/gf and see if it works out so yeah that made me feel good and I took his offer. But he is still lacking effort. He had mention if he is my bf then he is a different man meaning, he'll put more effort than what hes been doing. But has he actually changed? No not really...I mean its only been a few days and I'm expecting the worst and hoping for the best. I just want to know is it okay or normal if he does happen to keep lacking effort after he offered to be official, and said he will put more effort as bf? Like whats his problem? If he wasn't into me, he wouldn't have offered to be official. But now that he has, and told me he's going to put more effort as a bf and yet I havent heard from him that much in two days like the usual but this time after my bday, he gave me a gift card for my bday, I'm in just a big question.

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75% Normal

Based on 8 votes (6 yes)

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Comments ( 39 )

Nokiot9

8 years ago

So, if this guy has been with u for that long, he obviously likes u a lot. I wouldn't force him out of his comfort zone just because ur insecure. It's kinda fucked up. If he really is jaded and needing time I mean.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  8 years ago
  
  but then again, guys will go with the flow. I don't think a guy will actually say "no" to a girl if she keeps giving herself emotionally and physically to him. If Im wrong then okay I understand if hes been w me this long and hasn't told me to leave, then everythings fine especially considering he says "I wnt do anything I wouldn't like to do"
  
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  - Nokiot9
    
    8 years ago
    
    Yeah. I guess so. U should tell him how u feel
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      8 years ago
      
      I think itll be a lot for him to handle. Guys get easily overwhelmed by girls when they confront them.
      
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      - CountessDouche
        
        8 years ago
        
        They don't. Not when they actually care about you.
        
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        Nokiot9
        
        8 years ago
        
        Most guys have an ego. And you tread on it when you tell them how to do shit and live there lives. There's a distinct difference between inspiring someone to change and trying to force them. Be careful that you know the difference. Because a lot of girls I've actually really cared about have tried to force me to do shit and I always dig my heels in because it's my life, it's my decision.
        
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[Old Memory]

8 years ago

Everybody reacts to things differently. Some people have learned that putting in effort only gets you screwed so they no longer care and there is a point of no return when someone decides they are better off alone.

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- harddrystickysocks
  
  8 years ago
  
  I want to watch Alex trebek get buttfucked by an antelope.
  
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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  8 years ago
  
  Yeah I think at this point, he wants best of both worlds. He wants to be alone and prevent heartbreak but at the same time, he still wants me even if hes not putting effort. I really gave him an ultimatum either I'm your gf and you put more effort OR I'm not your gf and things won't be the same from here on. And he chose the first one yet he's lacking effort when he said so himself without me asking for it that he will put more effort. Whats even more annoying is he for sure knows now how much this bothers me and he still does it.
  
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- [Old Memory]
  
  8 years ago
  
  Sorry your thoughtful response got defaced by the idiot below me. Just to expand on your answer a bit more I think the older you get the better you know yourself or should know yourself anyway.
  
  And for some people being alone is just easier. Dealing with the people who come in and out of your life can be difficult and finding people who have those qualities you wish to surround yourself with can be difficult also.
  
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Ellenna

8 years ago

This is all too vague to respond to: exactly what effort do you want him to be putting in that you're not getting?

Honestly, I don't know WTF you're talking about

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  8 years ago
  
  Effort as in holding my hand in public, being affectionate, being gentle with me, or just putting more thought into something for example the whole gift card thing for my bday was disappointing. I wish it was something more special but that just made me feel like I'm not worth it for him to get me something special.
  
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  - Ellenna
    
    8 years ago
    
    It's obvious you have needs he can't or won't meet, assuming you've been clear with him and not as vague as your original question was.
    
    You have two choices: either accept him as he is or end the relationship.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      8 years ago
      
      The thing now is I have been accepting this from him; being effortless. But now that he himself told me that he is a different guy when he is a bf, I am expecting him to put more effort unless he was joking around. But I just highly doubt that he was like this careless guy in his past relationships...I don't think any girl would accept it especially for that long. So I believe him for the most part that he does change it up when he becomes a bf.
      
      So I can't accept him the way he is anymore now that he has me expecting a change from him. So either he does change or yeah I am leaving. If he seriously likes me like he says he does and recognizes this flaw of his, well he needs to fix it if he doesn't want to lose me. In the beginning yes I accepted it but now I feel like hes taking advantage of it and I'll be okay with it forever with him not putting any thought into anything. Nooo
      
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green_boogers

8 years ago

Damn, you are demanding. I would not want a girl like you. You would be in my face all the time and only want sex once a month. What a turn off.

PS. With guys, try being hot. See how the guy responds. If you like it, fuck him. But, watch out or you will attract jerks.

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Elixis

8 years ago

What kind of effort do you want him to be putting into the relationship? It's not clear in your description of, but it seems like you two have no general idea of what you want from each other; I think you two should have a conversation soon about your wants from each other and what you can provide. Be factual, and only use statements that have no emotional attachment. Follow it up by telling him how you feel about it (anger, sadness, happiness). Then have him do the same thing as you. Then you two can talk about what you want from each other, and each tell each other how much of that you can provide. It won't be immediately effective, but if you use this nonviolent communication for every major conflict, then you two can have a wonderful relationship.
Your boyfriend might want to get some therapy for his past breakup that seems to be affecting him still. It might help your relationship right now.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  8 years ago
  
  I mean our last conversation was the end of it for me. Normally, idk what to say and I still want to be w him regardless of what happens. But in our last one, I was done if he was done but this time he said he was willing to label us and introduce me as his gf. It took me a while to say okay because I was just asking myself, "do I want to go through this more?" but in the end, I didn't really say okay I just asked him what I want from him and thats basically to acknowledge me as his gf, introduce me as his gf, and treat me like a gf such as holding my hand in public, support me, and console me when I'm sad. Omg speaking of consoling me, during that convo, I was crying my eyes out and what does he do? Nothing. He just sits in front of me and watches me. Thats why I say "put more effort" console me, make me feel better. I gave him that as an example of lacking effort and he tells me "I do care but I didn't know what u were crying about, I was freaking out like what am I supposed to do?" Ugh!
  
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Lariii

8 years ago

I don't think it's fair to say that he owes you, you chose to stay with him when you've felt like his effort is lacking.

Also, you can't expect the guy to flip a switch and suddenly become amazingly romantic in all honesty. And with the things you want from him, have you tried telling him specifically? Never expect a guy to pick up a hint, you need to be direct.

It sounds like my relationship, he's very easygoing, doesn't put much effort and just lets things carry on as it is, but change does happen very gradually.

He won't change quickly, but instead of waiting for him to figure it out, tell him exactly what you want

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  8 years ago
  
  I have told him directly but one, I feel like I sound desperate or insecure, and two, hes responded saying my requests are very "high-school" ish which I can see why he thinks that cause when I say it, I do feel very "high-school" ish n I don't like it.
  
  But I do still think he owes me for being accepting of him. If I knew I was a fuck-up and my bf still stuck around because he loved me, I would try to give him everything in the future. I would be so thankful and appreciative of him. He knows he has this problem of lacking effort and knowing I'm still here, he needs to see that I am deserving of more.
  
  I mean idk how much longer I can be patient. I look back and see what he has done that shows me he is into me and cares for me, and it makes me understand that yeah change happens gradually in this case. But I also look back and say we have been through a lot that how can he not feel affectionate or put effort towards me by now? Ive been reading a lot of articles about how when a guy gets his first broken heart, it can stay with him forever and lasts through all of his other relationships. But its been over 5 years, we have been seeing each other for over a yr, idk what I have done to make him not trust me, it just gets me lost at where I stand for him.
  
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  - Lariii
    
    8 years ago
    
    How about trying just pulling away from him and letting him go after you? Just immerse yourself in your own life, and see how he reacts.
    
    It sounds as if he won't change the way you want to, so either just accept him as he is (change to adapt to him) or leave him.
    
    And btw, I've gone through the whole crying my eyes out and saying "do something" and he sits there not having a clue, and so I just learned to cuddle into him and shut up, because he can cuddle me, he's just very bad at expressing emotions and talking about anything emotional.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      8 years ago
      
      I have been giving the same distance as he's been giving me. It might sound like a game which I hate but really, its a punishment and a test to see if it bugs him too. If it doesn't bug me then we might have another problem here: either he doesn't care enough about me to let it bother him or he does care about me and he didnt even notice I was being distant so this is how our relationship will be. If its the sec case, well then I'm done with it cause if I want to talk to him or spend time with him, Im not gonna hold back because hes been holding back. Im gonna do what I want to do and thats love him but since its not getting reciprocated, then thats when I cut it off.
      
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      - Lariii
        
        8 years ago
        
        It really sounds like how I feel in my relationship, and as soon as I just really detach, I notice subtle things that he's not done before, like making more of an effort to see me and getting a little jealous.
        
        But I don't think it's enough, and it sounds like you ought to just cut your ties with the man, rather than be in a constant state of waiting and waiting and investing more and more while he's being detached.
        
        Some people just feel less than other people, and it's not fair to you that you have to put up with him when it sounds like that's a deal breaker.
        
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        Anonymous Post Author
        
        8 years ago
        
        Yeah I mean he has made some more effort, but its like half-ass. For example, he came to visit me the other day, but didn't even let me know as if I have no life except you so you don't have to let me know ahead of time. I felt annoyed. Then while with me, he's just being a dick as always like why are you here if you're gonna offend me or make me feel bad? I think this is a personality issue but what hurts is normally, people change for who they really like and the fact that hes not willing to change and be nice and more open to me makes me think hes not that into me. I dont want to be with someone who has half-ass feelings for me especially when I have 100% feelings for them.
        
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Arm0se

8 years ago

Listen to me; Speaking from experience here. Yes. He's broken, really really really broken. He cares about you a lot more than you realize, so much so he can't even admit it to himself. That might not make very much since to you, but you have to just give him time and love him to death. He'll come around eventually and when he does, he'll be the best guy you've ever been, or will ever be with.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  8 years ago
  
  The only thing I am saying to myself right now is he owes me BIG TIME in the future, IF we do stay together because of all the patience I have had for him. I just wish he can see and appreciate me for being there for him. Maybe he does but again, he doesn't show it. I wish he can show me what I deserve.
  
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  - Arm0se
    
    8 years ago
    
    He can't help it. He does care about you, he just doesn't know how to show it anymore. He's been though an experience that's made him think his way of showing affection is all wrong and if he does it you'll leave, so he won't do it anymore. You have to show him how much you love him first, then he'll open up. You have to take the first big step or this ain't going anywhere.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      8 years ago
      
      Do you think he does want me to stay around and this is like a strategy of his to stay so aloof to keep me around? I mean it looks like its working since I am still here but I like it so much when he does show me affection and wish he did it more on the regular.
      Oh and his bad experience was over 5 years ago...and after he got another gf during those 5 yrs and he said she had the same problem w him. So I feel like by now, shouldn't he feel a little more confortable to show affection and put more effort?
      
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      - Arm0se
        
        8 years ago
        
        Sorry, I was gone for a couple of days. But no it's not some sort of strategy to get you to stay, he just can't help it. Most of the time he doesn't even know he's doing it. It was over five years ago, and that means it's been weighing down on him all this time. He'll think about doing something nice for you, then remember the last girl he did it for and what happened to him and end up pushing it out of his mind. It's not his fault, it's simply the only way he knows how to act. He thinks if he does something he'll screw up and you'll leave.
        
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        Anonymous Post Author
        
        8 years ago
        
        But he cant be running away from getting hurt for the rest of his life. If I am not worth it to him to take a risk of possibly another heartbreak, then I'm ending it. I'm not saying that I will break his heart but you never know thats life, deal with it. At this rate though, there is no way Id want to break his heart, I love him too much but now its come down to I can't be with someone who doesn't think Im worth it, waste of time.
        
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[Old Memory]

8 years ago

You forced him in to it too quickly. He probably did/does like you more than he would a friend but due to his past experience needed to ease in to it, which it seems you're not allowing him to do and you've forced him in to a stage of the relationship he was not ready to be flung right in to, so I think it's possible he'll end this relationship. Not inevitable but there's a chance of it.

He needs time to ease in to it. Ofcourse, your feelings matter too. So if you're not ready to wait it out until he's eased in to it and is comfortable then nobody would blame you for leaving him but if you want to be with him you'll have to help him ease in to it and be patient.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  8 years ago
  
  I did mention its been more than a year of me trying to be patient with him. I don't think thats me forcing him into it quickly. Its the complete opposite. What you're advising me to do is what I already have been doing and its just time for him to man up. Its not fair that he tells me hes "not ready" YET he already treats me like a gf but cant acknowledge it.
  
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  - [Old Memory]
    
    8 years ago
    
    I must of misread. I thought you meant this has only happened recently due to this, "I mean its only been a few days and I'm expecting the worst and hoping for the best."
    
    Some people take a long time. Like I said, if it's too much to deal with then it's not wrong to move on to someone who isn't like that.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      8 years ago
      
      Yeah its been a year of I guess "seeing each other" but not official so Ive given him time to ease into us. Then recently, he offered to be official so its only been a few days of being "official." So I understand but after seeing each other for over a yr, I think he should be confortable enough to be more affectionate w me.
      
      You know its like if youve watched Friends, where monica thinks twice about staying with chandler cause she sees he can't offer her what she wants but in the end, she goes through w it cause she happens to really love someone without those qualities. I feel like staying w him so far is a reflection of that. Its REALLY hard to deal w this type of person but something inside me is crazy about him. I guess I just need to know if he feels the same way about me. These actions of his don't really say that but he says hes trying and actually offered to be "official" so that felt good and was shocking. He is one of those people who take really long and I guess as long as I feel this way about him, I'll have to deal w it.
      
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      - [Old Memory]
        
        8 years ago
        
        You know, strangely...The way he is might be why you're crazy about him. I remember reading a study that said women are more attracted to men who aren't as displayful as other men. Regardless. If you want him to be more open and he's not doing it, then leave him. You could of spent that year finding someone more open with their affections to you within that time period.
        
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dirtybirdy

8 years ago

I agree with bugs.

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pixie44

8 years ago

Idk men are so confusing.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  8 years ago
  
  Theyre so annoying
  
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Are You Normal?

Is it normal for guys to be so effortless?