Is it normal a relationship changed my friend's personality, for the worse?

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[Sorry this is long but it is about friendship.] I'm worried for my friend. She used to be mellow, funny and happy-go-lucky. I met her because we were coworkers together for a year and we got along. Back then she was so friendly and very social. I moved far away for 5 years so we lost touch. While I was gone she got involved in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship that lasted for 2 years that ended because he was going nuts with all the drugs he was doing. He was even in prison for almost a year for assaulting someone else. Almost a year later after he got out she dumped him and a few months later he killed himself.
OK so that relationship was over 3 years ago.

I moved back and we hang out together again but she's so different now. She is angry and negative 24/7. She says that she hates people because everyone is so "stupid". When I visit her she's rude to me and not interested in anything that is important in my life. She tries to make me feel bad about dressing nice, doing my hair and wearing makeup because she doesn't do it and is a tomboy. It is also in the way that she responds during our talks. For example, if I ask her if she watches a popular television program and it's not one that she watches, she almost always reacts in an offended and disgusted tone as if I should automatically know which programs she likes and does not like. Even when I asked her if she planted carrots in her planter this year, she squinted her eyes at me and said no like I'd just asked her if she poops on her lawn as fertilizer.

She says that she hates men, yet she watches that show on TV about the hillbillies that make duck calls because she's in love with the men from that show.

She's started hanging out with some older (50s) biker chicks she knows through work. I've met them, they're nice women. She doesn't see them all of the time though, but other than me that's about her only friends. She will tell me which days she has off and says she'd like to do something, but when I try to plan something with her it's like pulling teeth trying to get her commit to something. She will only hang out at her house, she never wants to go anywhere else. Lately, she avoids returning my texts until her days off are over. I found out that all she does on her days off is smoke weed all day and watch TV.

Is it normal my friend is turning into bitter angry bitch? She says that she's not depressed but she's acting like she is. Depressed and ANGRY. I'd really like to see her happy again but I don't know how to help her. Any suggestions?

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Based on 32 votes (16 yes)
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Comments ( 5 )
  • Unimportant
    11 years ago

    Sounds like a form of depression. The way you describe her, I don't think she's gonna want to do therapy, though. Not if you suggest it (sorry). She has to understand it on her own.

    The thing you could do is: you could try to make her realise the problem by herself.

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  • NeuroNeptunian
    11 years ago

    Agreed with Redcoats. Your friend may need therapy or some sort of psychiatric help. Being in an abusive relationship does have a tendancy to mentally scar someone and it seems as if she has reduced herself to a purely victim mentality (evidenced by her saying things like "I hate men" or "I hate everyone" as she is blaming everyone for her misery).

    Being in that abusive relationship made her resign to the role of a victim, as evidenced by what I said above, and her bitterness may be towards the fact that she feels as if she has little control of her life. The fact is that she will not be happy again until she is empowered, meaning until someone can shake her awake and make her believe that she is not a victim, that that relationship was a mistake and a bad time in her life and she is not a lesser person for it and that she has control of her life and she needs to move on.

    You can try to tell her this, you can try to talk her into a support group or talk to her friends about helping her but if you can't then at least be there for her. This is not your battle to fight, the most you can do is be a friend.

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  • Mehereok1
    3 years ago

    She's trying to find herself. Is lost now, no question. You may need to just give her space and let her figure it out on her own. As for the older biker chicks, most are hot and very nice (if not a bit worn out). I dated a beautiful, most I've ever been with or seen, woman, we did great together, but I also knew she had stuff going on in her life. I'd later find out just how much, but, after we broke up the first time, we didn't speak for almost 2 years until she texted me one night. And we picked up where we left off.

    I found out about her past jail time, which she didn't tell me about b/c she thought it would change my mind about her (it didn't..her jail time was before I met her), she was embarrassed, and even hung out with the CO's after she got out b/c she didn't know anyone else at the time. Told me about other things, too, most of which didn't have anything to do with me or us. She just needed time to get herself right so we could be we again.

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  • ProseAthlete
    11 years ago

    Your friend could be depressed, or she could have an undiagnosed bipolar disorder, or she could have any number of things clinically wrong with her. What she isn't, though, is a very good friend.

    She may not be able to help her behavior, but she sounds as if she's being really cruel to you. If getting together with her is a big ordeal, maybe it's for the best. You seem like a kind person to worry for your friend's well-being, but...well, she acts like a smacked ass. She seems to go out of her way to avoid you, so I'd let her do just that.

    Friendship is a two-way street, and she's hogging both lanes. It's up to you if you want to stay and be supportive, but unless she's a lifelong childhood friend who is as close to you as a sister, I would sever ties and downrank her to "acquaintance" at best -- quite possibly bust her all the way down to "oh, yeah, I think I met her a few times."

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  • Redcoats
    11 years ago

    I'm sorry to say, but it seems your friend has been mentally scarred from the previous abusive relationship. All you can do is try to help her out the best you can or maybe even suggest she might need to talk to someone. But if she refuses to listen, then you may just have to let her go and move on ):

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