Identity crisis / extreme homesickness

38% Normal
7 Comments

If you want to skip the back-story, my question is in capitals at tehe bottom.

I am half-German and half-Scottish. I spent the first 6 years of my life in Germany, then two dreadful years in the US, and since then I have lived in the south of England. I have family and strong ties to Scotland, but have never actually lived there, and now I'm panicking that I never will.

Last year I appleid to University. I desperately wanted to study Norwegian in Edinburgh University, and if not that subject then it had to be a University in Scotland. I applied to three Scottish Unviersities, and Oxford, but was only accepted by Oxford, which is very close to where I currently live in England. I will be studying German.

This is my dilemma:
- I don't feel any passion for German as a subject though I feel extremely homesick for my life there. I don't think this is just nostalgia for childhood since I'm there every summer and know what it's like, but I feel like I want to return there in the future.
-On the other hand, I am distraught that I wasn't accepteed by Edinburgh and now feel that because I won't be living in Edinburgh I will lose part of my Scottish identity.

-My dream subject (Norwegian/Scandinavian Studies)has been taken from me and I can't imagine my life without Scandinavia being a big part of it. Though I want to study it now as a postgrad (After my undergrad in German in OXford), I'm worried somehow that i's now an unachieved dream that I've had for years.

I have always felt that others didn't see me as Scottish, which really bothers me because I'm not and do not feel English. So it sucks hat I have to stay in England, even though Oxford is amazing etc etc

So I have this odd melange of cultures - German and Scottish from my heritage, English from my location and Scandinavian from my hopes and dreams. I feel torn into pieces. But my specific question is this:

-EVERY TIME I HEAR SCOTTISH ACCENTS IN THE LAST TWO MONTHS OR SO I INVARIABLY START TO CRY. It's impulsive, not a conscious decision. I hear the accent and I just begin to bawl like a baby. Considering the circumstances, is this normal?

Voting Results
38% Normal
Based on 29 votes (11 yes)
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Comments ( 7 )
  • beastie
    12 years ago

    Why would you expect other people to see you as Scottish when you're not? You just have one parent who was, apparently. They obviously didn't miss Scotland as they never went back or took you there?

    Don't try so hard to label yourself. Certainly, you want to study a course you enjoy, as degrees are hard work and it must be worth it to you. But, beyond that, most of us are a weird mixture of all kinds of stuff. I am mostly Scottish Highland and Orcadian with 1/4 Welsh and 1/8 Jewish thrown in, LOL! None of this really matters and you may end up hating Scotland if and when you actually live there!

    Not that this means you shouldn't try and live somewhere if you fancy it. Just saying, don't get all bent out of shape about it all.

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  • Pelelunar
    13 years ago

    That happens to me as well...actually when I hear German accents due to my past in Germany. (strangely enough I am of Scottish ancestry but have never been-as I grew up in Canada...I also feel panicked about never getting to live there, and due to the difficulty of moving to Europe, i doubt I will ever have the chance.)

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  • [Old Memory]
    14 years ago

    My god you must be a Scot to feel this way!!!

    I get your disappointment but I think you may be allowing that to close a door to Scotland that is not in fact closed.

    Find another way to get the experience you want to have there. You are not that tied down. If it is important to you, and it is, then find another way.

    I think your identity thing is normal, its about knowing your roots.

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  • mtnw
    14 years ago

    if i'm hearing you right, it looks like you have a good plan to get where you want to with schools and studies, though it looks like you are going to have to take the long way to get there.

    so, the problem is about how you are feeling about it right now, right?

    i suppose you are not alone in not getting your first choice in school or study. it happens to many.

    sometimes things just turn out the way that they do. i don't know how long you have realized that this is the way things are going to have to play out, but if this realization is new to you, give it some time. you will feel better hopefully as time passes.

    your situation, although not ideal to you, is still a fortunate one. i wish you luck in your studies and hope feel better soon.

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  • mieoux
    14 years ago

    Well England is not a fun country for many people to begin with and German is not a fun language to learn or speak. It's totally understandable that you might not have passion for German - German is the second worst sounding language on earth! It sounds awful, I would never want to speak it the only language that sounds worse than German is Dutch - Dutch actually makes me want to throw up when I hear it, but both are yucky, yucky languages!

    Would you be able to apply to study Norwegian in Norway and then visit Scotland and Germany over the summer breaks? You can even do a study abroad year or semester in Scotland while studying in Norway. If you must stay at Oxford then try taking Norwegian classes in Norway over the summers. Why the heck do you want to learn Norwegian in Scotland anyway, they'll probably teach you only one Norwegian dialect and you will end up speaking it with a Scottish accent. While you are in Norway you can also learn Swedish - and drive across to Sweden over the weekends to polish your accent.

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    • schoolforscandal
      14 years ago

      To mieoux: Er, thanks. I am German. I actually quite like the language. I love Germanic languages, and I want to learn Dutch too.

      There is a Norwegian language course you can do in the Summer in Oslo University which I will apply for but it's several thousand pounds and unless Oxford gives me a really generous travel grant I won't be able to afford it. I know all the stuff you said about Norway, thanks. I've only been learning about Scandinavia for the last two years in all my spare time. You in fact got a lot of what you said wrong.

      Ollieo and mtnw: Thanks! I think what you said is true, abotu strong feeligns of national identity being normal. I only got the news about 6 weeks ago, so I just have to give it time, and really I'm very lucky. I was really mainly asking about the spontaneous crying thing.

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      • mtnw
        14 years ago

        well, then the answer is you are normal. the crying will pass. good luck to you:)

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