I wish i could start over

Hello. Late 20's male.

When I was 7 I used to take showers with my older brother, 7 years my senior, in order to save time and water. And we used to have sex.
I don't remember what I felt about it at first, but eventually I guess I liked it, and was looking forward to it. I even did it with a classmate when I was 8.
I once saw him and my sister, 2 years my junior, dry humping. I guess being both exposed to it and close in age, me and my sister started experimenting with each other. Something that went on until I reached 9th grade, and I feel disgusted by it, and wish so hard it never happened.
My sister is a great person, and shows a lot of care. She would sometimes try and hug me, but I just can't, so I play it as if I don't like being touched, which is kinda true. I can barely shake her hand. What kind of brother needs to feel like this about his sister, for heaven's sake?

I've always been hypersexual growing up, and still am. Excessive masturbation and porn addiction are no strangers to me. In addition, I have a strong fixation with cocks, despite being attracted to women. A thing, I believe, that correlates to my first sexual experience.

I've never been in a relationship. I just couldn't imagine being with a woman I love and knowing she's not my first. Knowing my first time was a disgusting incestuous mistake. A mistake that should've never happened. It's even more disgusting when friends, the few that I have, ask "how was your first time?".
I don't know if I'll ever find love, but most of the time I conclude that I don't deserve it. After all, love is fresh and sweet, as oppose to the rotted me.

I've never shared it with anyone, and the people who think they know me would've never guess what I'm really like. I act innocent and naive cause I thought it might stick to me, but I'm getting tired of it. Getting tired of this act. Of everything.

I'm currently in college, so it helps with keeping my brain occupied. But the older I get, the more I crave love and companionship. And the cycle continues.

If I really could, I would've change everything. I would've said "no, I don't want that" instead of being a little fag. I could live my childhood again, without all that creepy shit weighing on me. Without worrying about being single for the rest of my life.

I wrote this once on a piece of paper, but I felt like taking this off my chest again.
This post might contain two of the three forbidden topics, so not sure anyone's gonna read it. Anyways, even if it's just a modder on this site, it's still something.

Thank you.