I was crushed to find out....
....so many things I knew,
revealed to be untrue....
Lord, I was a fool
To think Dr Dre went to medical school,
A retard,
to open that virus e-card,
I thought a Play Doh pizza was actual food,
That chick I made out with was really a dude,
Judge Judy handed me my ass in a hat,
When I tried to sue Food Network for makin' me fat,
My life coach told me to get my shit together on the double,
So, I saved my turds in a box, gave it to him, and I got in trouble.
I went to Bingo at the VFW hall,
I thought the dress code was coveralls,
Turns out that's a Bingo term for getting all the numbers,
So I pretended I was there because someone called a plumber.
Even when I win I still lose somehow, some way,
I've won 100 iPads online but there seems to be a shipping delay.
This whole world is nothing but lies,
Suzanne Sommers promised to shrink my thighs,
Life Alert was supposed to rescue me when I slipped in the shower,
They didn't send help for 36 hours.
Billy Mays swore OxiClean would rid me of pit stains,
But the yellow sweat rings remain.
I bought a Ronco Rotisserie and 'set it and forget it' just like he said,
When I finally remembered, my house was nothing but ashes and my pets were dead.
My Cris Angel magic kit landed me zero chicks,
My battery powered warming socks got me on the no-fly list.
I wasted all this money on junk and now I'm broke,
My membership in the Hair Club for Men got revoked.
Can my life get worse than this?
IIN?