I want to be bullied as a way to punish myself

37% Normal
3 Comments

I desperately want to be bullied.

When I was younger, I used to be physically and verbally bullied. I remember it hurting - badly. However, at some point, it stopped. At first I was glad.
After a while, my depression and anxiety came back full force, and now all I can think about is wanting to punish myself through other people. Self harming would be too obvious, however simply claiming to be bullied - that at least wouldn't be immediately thought of as my fault.
I need the release from my pain, but nobody bullies me anymore because I have a sightly intimidating face and body language. I give off a sense of confidence, even though my whole life revolves around being self-conscious and not having any self-esteem.

I technically know that this isn't normal, but does anyone else have feelings like this, or am I insane?

Voting Results
37% Normal
Based on 35 votes (13 yes)
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Comments ( 3 )
  • OhWell
    7 years ago

    I was bullied for years and years, and in a way I got used to it. I sort of accepted their view of me so that instead of harmful abuse, it became them "simply stating facts". I told myself I was wortless so the anger of being mocked and beated went away, and I told myself I deserved it. I DID NOT. I am a grown man now, and still slightly messed up (anxious, and with a far from healthy level of self-esteem). But, you seem to have gotten it worse. I would definately got to therapy and talk about it (but be carefull if they offers you medication). Talking about it and getting it off your chest might help. Being bullied can mess you up, and there is no shame in seeking help.

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  • AbnormallyAwesome
    7 years ago

    That can't be a healthy way to deal with your emotions. I know depression is tough especially because you can't really pinpoint what's making you feel bad - So I guess when you were bullied at least you knew where the pain was coming from.
    But that's not the problem you need to fix. The problem is your depression and there's ways of dealing with that. Seeking help will be difficult now that you've built your whole self-image around your sadness; But that's not who you are! Fuck those bullies back in school. They were kids, and kids don't know shit. Don't let some douchebags decide who you are. They really don't deserve that kind of power.
    Go to therapy, mate. Get healthy and tell your depression what you should have told those bullies back then: "Go fuck yourself."

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  • mysistersshadow
    7 years ago

    See a therapist.

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