I want my mom to die. i am so not normal.

I don't know how I'm going to keep my sanity if I have to live with my mom who, although not diagnosed with any mental illness, is fucking crazy. She wants the house clean and if a single thing is out of place, she will yell at us about it as if that's the worst problem she will ever have. She's verbally abusive. She calls me "demon" just because I don't believe in any religion anymore. She's never satisfied with everything. Back in high school, I had pretty good grades but somehow she's not satisfied . She can't just expect me to have Einstein's brain and know everything. My brothers are not that academically competent and I never heard her tell them off. Obviously, I'm her least favorite child. It honestly doesn't bother me at all because I hate her guts, too.

I never smoke, I don't do drugs, I don't drink and I don't socialize a lot but she still thinks I'm a bad person just because I don't follow some of her trivial rules (e.g. washing the dishes or cleaning my room). She physically hurts me as well. She pulls my hair and slaps me in the face and pushes me. That is not a normal reaction of a mother when a child does something wrong. She considers me the black sheep of the family despite the recognition and awards I got in my school. Sometimes, she'll tell her friends about how proud she is of me but I don't find it flattering at all. She's literally getting all the credits of my hard works just because I came out of her vagina. Then after that, she will yell at me again and call me "useless" and "stupid". What a hypocrite.

And speaking of "hypocrite", she is the biggest, fattest liar I've ever met. You see, she hates my dad because he had a couple of flings before. She talks to her friends about how awful her husband is but whenever my dad is around, she acts like a romantic, clingy Taylor Swift. It's annoying, really. My dad has changed now but my mom is still her bitchy self. Little does he know my mother has a fling too. I know because I snooped into her phone once and read her lovey-dovey conversation with this married guy who she claims was her "childhood friend". Childhood friends don't call each other "babe" and exchange "I love you's" and talk about wanting to kiss each other. Funny thing is that she criticizes paramours for ruining marriages when in fact she is doing the same thing that they are doing. Also, I often hear my name mentioned when she's making an excuse about something just to save her fat ass.

She literally thinks her life is like a movie, where she is the protagonist and everyone around her are the villains. She often pretends that she's an oppressed individual even though she's the one who makes other people's lives miserable. She's a backstabber, she's like the Walmart version of Regina George. At least Regina George is a little bit "likeable".

Eventually, I learned how to speak up. She's just so full of herself that I just exploded and yelled at her. Whenever I give her a piece of my mind, she would say I'm talking back and will start overreacting, tell her friends and brother about my attitude and make them call me. It's embarrassing how she always makes me look bad around other people.

My hatred towards her is so bad that I just want to claw her face off her head. Sometimes I think I'm the one losing my mind because there are times where I vision myself hurting my mom, or worse, killing her. I'm not proud of thinking such violent things. If I can't kill her, I might just kill myself because I can't stand her. I wouldn't be awful to her anyway if she's not giving me a reason to be. I want her out of my life. I want to finish my college degree and leave the house already, but I can't do that because of our culture. Apparently, we are expected to give back what our parents did for us. Oh how I wish I could give back all the negative things she had done to me.

Now, my mom is sick. As bad as this seems, I couldn't care less. I already planned not to come to her funeral if she dies. Or if I had to, I might play morbid songs by My Chemical Romance. She calls me "demon" anyway so what is the point of being nice and thoughtful?

Sorry if this is too long. I just want to let it all out. I guess I am not normal for wanting my mother's death so bad.