I want my boyfriend to not be alive anymore

Today I got my boyfriend kicked out of his house he still lived with his parents because he works at Arby's and can't really afford an apartment I feel really bad and I'm very depressed over it. what had happened was he sent nude photos of me to his friends, I got really mad and told his mother that he was stealing her jewelry and selling it on Craigslist he wasn't butt I felt like I had to get back at him and I did and he got kicked out now he doesn't even want to talk to me but the problem is I'm crazy obsessed with my boyfriend I think about him day in and day out and I get hostile if he cancels a day we were supposed to spend together like full blown mad like not talk to him for a day angry we rarely see each other and it's hard for him to see me he doesn't have a car either so when we get to see each other once a month and he cancels I get extremely mad and he's been canceling our days together and talking to other girls on a texting app and hiding it and deleting the messages and I just got very angry he blocks me every time I confront him about it and he knows it drives me mad we've tried breaking up about 11 times and it never works one of us ends up crawling back 90% of the time it's me begging I don't know why but I just love him so much and I just need him back I'm very sad right now because he's mad that I got him kicked out of his house and it's driving me crazy I'm in tears I'm afraid he's going to find some other girl and I just can't handle that it makes me feel like if I can't have him then no one can, kind of makes me wish that he was just not alive anymore so no girl can have him. it worries me deeply. people say he is not good looking and fat but his personality sticks out to me he used to be so sweet and kind to me now he treats me like straight up garbage he just doesn't care anymore and it makes my heart hurt very much this 4 year long relationship feels like it's only been going on for 4 days I know the past 4 years have worn him out but the relationship still feels new and fresh to me he's filing a restraining order so I'll never be allowed to talk to him again and I just pray to God he'll realize that he loves me he hasn't messaged me for 2 days and I'm going insane we've been talking to each other for 4 years everyday not skipping a day this is the longest I've went without him and I just want him to not be alive so he won't find another girl I've threatened to kill him multiple times to his face but me and him both know I couldn't do it I don't want to risk the jail time but I don't want to risk him going for somebody else either I think about him every single day I have been year after year after year I don't know what to do I'm not going to murder him I have morals I'm just deeply depressed......