I wanna kill myself

It's not normal deary.

I know it's hard when someone you love breaks up with you but it stops hurting eventually.

Hopefully you will take the advice posted above in regards to seeking professional help. All the best.

Hello? I am a girl, I am not sure gender matters, but I am a bit worried so I might mumble- I am a very disturbed socially-anxious person. Before I tell you about the things that keep me going, I want to tell you about the things that could have made me kill myself but didn't. I was raised by super protective parents, one of them is abusive, the other is a drama queen. They both feed on my insecurities; they made them grow big. Then, I grew up to become a lovely young lady and everyone is fascinated by the things I do or say, everyone except for me, because I am always in an excessive need to prove myself worthy of my parents love and care- that aren't always there. Anyway, I had two depressions in my life, two major ones- the minor ones are quite frequent. So, last year, I loved a boy who loved me first, who approached me and made me feel really amazing.. then, and maybe due to the fact that I opened up about my parents, he abused me, verbally, and I didn't do anything about it. I just clung to him, and showed him how much he meant to me.. After several slaps of reality, turns out he used me to make his ex jealous. He also accused me of hallucinating, because people would believe anything someone like him says. Well, let's just say he wasn't a good experience. Back then I had a classmate that I liked. He was Introverted, kind of cute and pretty intriguing. I just liked him as a person -sorry for making this long- anyway, so this year, I started having a crush on him, I told him about it and he said he didn't feel the same. It was a bit awkward since he and I weren't close. I took it very well, he was a bit frightened by me since I am the nerd of the class and I have a certain power of ruining lives of my classmates (because teachers love me) .. well, I was cool to him and we started being friends, because I was already used to talking to him. After a couple of months, and since I am a bit known in my university, a lot of people started getting close to him. I don't know if it is to ruin my life or to get to know me through him, but I am too possessive to share him. I made that clear to him, and he understood. Apparently, he likes it when I am in charge, so we'd always make fun of people trying to steal him from me. Sorry, my point is that we got super close, in a way real friends do. A month ago, I told him I loved him and he was, again, in shock. He didn't say anything this time, though we were close.. So I chose not to be his friend anymore because if he can't love me then I can't be there for him. So selfish hun? I talked to him two days after my decision and we became close again and we were friends util a week ago where things suddenly weren't working for him anymore and he stopped replying to my messages. He stopped asking about me, and he stopped being nice to me. He just left me as if I never were his friend and he was too coward to even tell me why. Last night, I went and asked about him, and instead of telling me he wasn't okay, he was being a **** to me. I cried, and thought about harming myself.. I thought about how everything is related, how if i were any more confident, I wouldn't be in situations where I always doubt myself and feel like I owe it to others to put them before myself. I only wish things aren't the same way they are, but it's a mere wish. It's not normal that you want to kill yourself over something emotional that is passing. Some of us have cancer, some of us are homeless, others aren't loved because they are poor.. I am not telling you how to process the pain you are feeling now, I relate to whatever you are going through; I relate and I swear I'v felt worse, but here I am alive and kicking and talking about it. If you need to vent, just let me know..