I tried to kill my boyfriend when i was drunk
I am not a troll. This is 100% and I don't have anywhere else to turn. I am an extremely depressed person and have been feeling suicidal for the last week.
I felt terrible after getting off of work yesterday. My boyfriend picked me up and wanted to get drinks at a restaurant. I was slightly annoyed because I didn't want to spend a lot of time there, but I decided to go with it and just get myself something to eat.
He spent the whole time drinking and we talked a lot about upsetting subjects. Like my past relationships (he asked) and the kind of girls he's attracted to. The more intoxicated he got the more he spoke of other girls. The whole time I was thinking about how I'd gotten cheated on by my ex. We spent over 2 hours in there so I was pretty angry. In the car I accidentally called him my ex's name and that caused a short argument. It was a complete accident and I lost my temper and started punching the dashboard.
When things calmed down I asked him to take me to the wine store. I bought 2 bottles and was in tears on the whole way to his place. As soon as I got in I grabbed the wine opener and immediately started to down the bottle. I was crying hysterically and couldn't stop thinking about death. He tried to comfort me, then he fell asleep and I was alone.
I first tried to wake him with a blowjob and sex. He woke for the sex and we did that for maybe 10 minutes but then he passed out again and nothing could wake him. (He's an extremely heavy sleeper and the alcohol made it worse).
At one point I'd nearly finished the first bottle of wine and was desperately trying to wake him by cutting off his breathing. I pinched his nose shut and covered his mouth with my other hand. He started to wake to fight my hands off and him waking is what excited me. So I'd just do it again. His attempts at moving my hands were kinda feeble. And then I started to feel him sucking air through my fingers. So I placed a pillow over his mouth and pressed down while still pinching his nose. This time I wouldn't let him move my hands. He started struggling so I used some of my body weight to hold it down and just stayed there. I wanted to stay there until he stopped moving. Then after a while he suddenly shoved me off of him and was having coughing fits then he kept saying over and over again in a daze "you tried to kill me. You tried to kill me. I've never had a girlfriend try to kill me".
For maybe 20 minutes after, I kept begging him to hit me and was using his limp hands to hit me across the face as hard as possible. We both were crying.
I called him this morning and he didn't mention any of it. I don't know what to do but I feel scared.