I think the worst thoughts possible for no reason
I have intrusive thoughts about inflicting horrific pain on people toward whom I bear no ill-will, and often for whom I feel great love and respect. This may be ‘OCD’ in some mild form. For instance, I may be with a close female friend holding hands walking through the park, and suddenly I will enact in my head the imaginary scenario of my suddenly punching her quite hard out of nowhere, perhaps in the face. I imagine the sound of her sudden cry of shock and bewilderment coupled with physical pain, her sudden shift from being a friend of mine to being a permanent enemy. A scene such as this would be an absolutely absurd tragedy; a senseless loss very similar to an automobile accident. Do I really want to hit this dear friend of mine? Is this really the low esteem in which I hold this person? Of course not!!! I thought I liked this person! Could it be that deep down I have no inherent respect for any living entity other than a totally superficial sort? This is inevitably more than I can bear to think about, and I always just ignore and tuck these thoughts away…I think these thoughts fairly frequently whenever I am in a good situation with a person I am on good terms with. Why? At first it would seem that I have an inherent lack of self-trust. My best guess is this all started with early childhood transgressions, when I would indeed act on absurd violent thoughts just to test the consequences of what would happen. I never did anything as absurd as simply punch a friend out of nowhere, however. As a child I might play the role of a relentless bullying antagonist to everyone around me unconditionally, for instance, until I was reprimanded for it.