I think that i'm having another relapse, iin?

I think that I'm starting to have another relapse with an eating disorder that I've had for a very long time now. If I am really in the early stages of a relapse, this would be my third time with having to deal with the condition.

Lately, I have gone back to panicking about food. I panic about whether or not I am consuming too much because I seemed to have forgotten exactly what and how much a meal should consist of. I am doing my best not to count calories because I feel that if I start doing that again that it will mean that I am slipping back into my past ED and that is a habit that I am trying to avoid. Another habit that I am trying to avoid is weighing myself, I haven't done so since the last time I saw a doctor, which was quite a while ago, sometime last year to be more exact... I'm going to see a neurologist for something unrelated to this and I worry that if I have to be weighed, which I most likely will be, that my weight will be something that I am disappointed with. I know that the chances of me being a 3 digit number are very slim but what if that is the outcome? I don't think I would be able to deal with that if it were the case.

While, I do know the risks of this eating disorder can be fatal, I find myself almost "embracing" it like you do with a long lost friend whom you have not seen for a long time, even if it is against my better judgment. I no longer eat three meals a day. I eat two meals with desert and a healthy snack, usually a granola bar or some Icelandic Skyr. I have insomnia so on most days I wake up fairly late, usually around lunch time or the evening. This allows me to better pull off my meal amount. In a way, I couldn't eat the required of meals even if I wanted to because a part of me would feel guilty.

I find myself wanting to buy less food but this is mainly due to practical reasons. These reasons being 1. To save money, which I feel more so pressured to do now because I recently adopted a pet and 2. Because I fear the negativity if I buy what some people deem to be too much. The people at my store have been terribly rude and nosy towards me because I bought what they felt was too much. I have even been screamed at and emotionally abused over this on many occasions.

I had up until very recently considered buying Hoodia to decrease my appetite so I would eat less and therefore presumably have to buy less but, I was talked out of this because a relative found out and basically said that since I'm going to see a therapist, that it was of utmost importance that this doctor didn't think I had an eating disorder. The thing is is that eating disorders are among this doctor's specialities and its something that I intend to talk about because I know that it will come up. It will be the first time that any professional, any doctor of mine, will ever know about my eating disorder. While I intend to tell her nothing but the truth, it is beyond nerve racking for me if she says at some point that I need to go in for treatment and what not. I know that legally I can't/couldn't be forced into anything at this time and nor can my confidentiality be breached since I am an legal adult but it worries me greatly what could happen if any of this information ever got to the ears of certain people...

I have also gone back to certain interests that detail people with eating disorders. (Not thinsperation!) When I read/look at some of these things I find myself sinking back into the belief that skeletal humans are sexy... I find myself telling myself that while my last bout proved unsuccessful to an extent, that I can do so much better this time because I know what mistakes not to make.

I think I do know what might be causing this possible relapse, I read somewhere that it can occur because a person feels as if they have lost control in their lives and the disorder gives them a means by which they can control themselves. This is exactly what seems to be partially happening... and quite frankly its rather depressing... I once wrote a post on here while I was deeply in the throws of my second relapse and while I nearly died from it and the responses I got back on it made me see that something seriously wrong, I vowed never to sink back into it. Yet despite all of my efforts, it is happening again.

Is this normal?