I think about being raped

I have fantasies about being raped. Its weird because when I was younger, there was a man who had very clear intentions with me, but I always avoided situations with him so nothing ever happened. He disgusted and scared me, but now I have daydreams about if it had actually happened. I've even lied and said I have been raped to a few people I care about. I don't know If I just want their attention and sympathy, but if that was the case, I wouldn't want it to actually happen, I'd just be fine lying about it. I hate myself and don't know why I'm this f***ed up.