I self harm when i am angry
i had started self harming back in year 7. im in year 10 now and that hasn't really changed, except for the reasons why i do it.
year 7 was tough for me. i had entered my first secondary school and i hated it there. the experience changed me as a person; i was more angry, i fought with my parents a lot and i cried every night before i went to sleep. luckily i managed to get out of that dreadful school, yet i still had it rough at my new school.
two of my friends started to pick on me and i felt that same anger i had back at my old school coming back. that was when i started harming myself. i tried to ignore them by stabbing a pen or pencil in my hand or scratch myself with my house keys. i started to get dark thoughts of myself chasing my exfriends with a knife. instead of stabbing them i ended up stabbing myself (i don't have these thoughts anymore). i did not wish to hurt them and i still don't, i was just really annoyed at them but i was more annoyed with myself. sometimes after school i would take out a kitchen knife and try and cut myself, but i knew doing that would be wrong so i managed to stop myself a few times. i did tell my parents about my situation and they went to talk to the school counsellor. they only mentioned the bullying part though, not the self harming part. i think they weren't willing to admit that their only daughter would do such a thing. after that the bullying issue was resolved and my self harming issue was pushed under the rug.
year 8 was tough too. i started to experience panic attacks constantly. i was pretty disturbed by this so i talked to the school's life coach, keep in mind i stopped self harming in year 8.
year 9 rolled around and i managed to keep my panic attacks and self harming at bay. things started to look up for me. a few months back in the spring/summer i started to gain my old habits of self harm and small panic attacks due to a small 'depressive' episode that lasted a week. i felt empty and numb, so i cut my hand just to feel something. this ascended, self harm had intensified to using scissors or razor blades and i tried to make myself throw up. i started cutting on my thighs and stomach in hopes to hide what i was doing. i skipped pe lessons and i dreaded the summer holidays. i was scared that my parents would be worried or disappointed. i did see 'no limits', but i found that a waste of time.
when summer holidays came along i realised i shouldn't cut myself because i know my parents would see the temporary scars on my belly and legs. so, i stopped.
at least i thought i did...
the problem is i don't see my self harming as an issue anymore because i do it less frequently now. i only do it if im frustrated or angry and i don't really result in cutting much, i just hit/punch my head or bite my hand. im aware it's not a 'normal' thing to do, but i just do it. my parents don't know i still self harm-i haven't told them. they just can't handle it, rather, they just don't know what to do. i have asked them about going to see a gp in the past, as they don't know that i self harm, they just brushed it off and said that im growing up or it's due to my hormones. i have also been pondering about death a lot, knowing if i just died i wouldn't have to worry about anything. writing this out is making me realise how fucking messed up i sound!
im not really sure why i wrote this out tbh, i needed to vent about it. if you have any advice on 'distracting' myself or keeping my anger/frustration at bay, please tell me. feel free to comment your ideas and stuff.
thank you so much for reading this horrifically long post, hope some of you can relate <3
Edit: thank you for the support, it's released a lot of stress. I will write down my feelings more. You all have helped me so much and I am glad I am not the only one who's going through some stuff. I can't put down how grateful I am right now. Again, thank you you are so strong xx