I push my feelings so far down i rarely (never) confront them

So day to day, I've accepted whatever this is as my normal. An endless cycle of YouTube, masturbation, getting food, and occasionally go out at night. Other times I've even had jobs, relationships, though often casual, playing instruments, and even quitting the internet for a few months.

I wouldn't say I feel depressed or angry, or any strong emotions, but when I really press myself about my life this changes.

I know that I can do more, that I can do better, that I can work towards a rewarding job, and work hard on projects that mean something to me. That I can develop deeper relationships with family and friends.

Instead I just don't entertain that line of thinking and continue living this life I've known my whole adult life.

The scary part is I'm getting better at it, my life has "improved" I used to worry I was hurting myself. Now I shamelessly do nothing for weeks. I don't miss the agony of going back and forth in my head.

But I've picked a path that leads nowhere. I send a facade to myself in the world like I know. But really I'm just chasing my next meal my next orgasm.

I don't know if I could say I love myself. It was always more important to paint myself as a victim than accept the truth.

I've fucked myself. And trying isn't any easier now than when I first gave up as a 10 year old