I probably hate my mum
I know, this discussion has already been here one, but I feel like to write another queastion because I need some help.
I´m quite sure about it, that I hate my own mother. She´s a quite obsessive person, tries to control everyon of my family, even me, even though I only come home at the weekends (I´m studying in another town, luckily!). For more than 1,5 years she believes, my dad has an affair, which is totally not true. Since then her self-doubts got worse and worse, which wouldn´t be the problem but she always wants to "talk". With my dad, with one of my sisters and me. Every time she wants to talk (actually me and her only discuss my studies and her problems) at some point she starts either to cry or to scream, and when she screams, I always really get scared because then she often grapples my arm so that it really hurts and yells in my faace with her bad breath.
Each time I come home to see my siblings I can be sure, she comes in my room to talk about how bad she feels about my father, that he is so manipulative and some piece f shit with his new girlfriend and that he never talks to me and my sister what he really thinks and so on (if that makes sense) and wheter it wouldn´t be a better idea to kill herself. But really it is her who is manipulative that my siblings and me (even her friends) think, that my dad is the bad guy. I mean I always have been a Daddy- girl, but I know he´s not the bad person in our family because my mum always talks about her problems with her kids and I think, kids should have a nice childhood and don´t need to face the problems of the own mum has to face- at least not when they are still growing up.
I´m very sure that she would need some kind of therapist because she probably has depression, a form of depression in which she says really awful things to me, e.g. that I will never finish university because I´m too stupid or I can´t finish it because I´m not focusing on it properly (I do some babysitting to earn some extra money- the money from both my parents is not enough), she doen´t notice when I have changed anything with my looks (I cut my hair three or four weeks ago, today she noticed, but only after I was brushing it quite obious next to her)- I mean, this is not really important, but it makes me feel not very important, not important to look at more closely. Then there´s the thing of being her involuntarily agony aunt when she was fighing with dad again, sometimes even in the middle of the night I have to get up and listen to her.
There are hundreds of other things, I can´t even count them all, not to mention typing them in here. I only know that she makes me feel angry every time i see or hear her, even when I only get a message feom her or a phone call, she also makes me filled with bitterness every time I think of her, and thinking about it makes me feel sad because I think, that a 19 year- old shouldn´t be embittered.
All this together assures me that I hate her.
Does anybody have advice how I can handle this all? I don´t want to hate her, but I can´t really change the feelings I have about her...