I never feel like i actually am this person except rarely (its scary)

52% Normal
8 Comments

From the time I was 11 or 12 I stopped feeling like I actually am the person I am. I don't know how better to explain it, I understand that my actions effect others to a degree, but even when taking that responsibility I don't really feel like I am this person.

I would consider that this is just the way life is, but on extremely rare occasions I do feel like this person is me and it is so startling and unsettling.

It is usually brought on by someone really pushing me to think about why I make certain choices, me doing this to myself, or me becoming aware of my thoughts and being able to distance myself from the ones I disagree with.

This has only happened maybe 4 times, and I will be 24 soon.

I don't know how better to describe the sensation, than to say it is like usually I just watch youtube videos and pay attention to them, but I don't pay attention to myself, or feel like I am me, it is like my whole reality is that video. When I stop watching, I just have worried thoughts about not having a job, and maybe make some efforts to strategies, play some music, do laundry, take a shower, etc. Then I go to bed wake up and repeat. I don't have any understanding of what I look to get out of life, since I have always sought gratification from just being entertaining and funny and then other people liking me. I don't know what personal gratification or other forms of gratification are, or what they are like.

When I do get the feeling on those rare occasions it feels like how I should be feeling 100% of the time, but I have let my life slip so far from what I want it to be like, the shame is unbearable and I am not used to it. I automatically shut down, and go back to feeling trapped.

But it is not just the difference of feeling happy/sad or emotional/guarded.

The actual sensation of being a person and feeling I exist is a completely different thing, like 99.999% of the time I act like I feel things but I don't really take a stake in being the person I am and thus feel like I am not them/me. Then on those rare occasions I feel simply a sense of "me-ness" that I am and have been this person all along, and have made the choices I've made, done the things I've done etc.

Typically I will think through decisions and then act, but not feel an ongoing sense of responsibility for choices I make and their implications. Nor do I genuinely feel like I occupy this body or its thoughts or decisions. I pretend to myself like I don't even have control over basic things.

Like I have convinced myself I am somehow a victim, without the agency of a standard human being, and like I don't actually exist, I see situations come up, and I deal with them, but the part about me being a person throughout it all is not something I have awareness of or see.

It sounds weird i know but I was wondering if anyone also feels this way, especially the part about always feeling one way but on extremely rare occasions feeling like all your lies fall apart and you are there with yourself, only to go back into being erased.

Voting Results
52% Normal
Based on 29 votes (15 yes)
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Comments ( 8 )
  • riffraffy
    7 years ago

    You're unfulfilled. You hate yourself because you don't do anything. Focus on creating things: wealth, independence, happiness. Have goals and work towards completing them. A lot of your worries stem from this.

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    • rayb12
      7 years ago

      Thank you, this means a lot. It feels good to have it broken down so plainly my focus has been on these, lately things have been a bit better.

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      • Aproxy
        7 years ago

        In addition to what riffraffy said, once you set some goals for yourself, break them down into smaller goals and maybe even make a "to-do" check list of sorts. even if these small goals don't matter much to you, this should still help you get an instant yet gratifying sense of achievement. you might be surprised at how well this could kickstart a positive sense of identity.

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  • Smokey1D
    7 years ago

    Please don't feel ashamed of where you are. It takes a while to 'find' yourself , to be comfortable with who you are and to work out what you might want to do. You have plenty of time. Set small goals. As little as walking the dog or sweeping the backyard. Do a little each day - you start to feel in control again.
    You will be OK o-o

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    • rayb12
      7 years ago

      Thank you, it always feels good to hear another perspective. I feel calmed.

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  • rltg4711
    7 years ago

    It must be a most worring state you find yourself in. I have no answers yet if I did, it would not be my place to pass them on to you. You have to find your own way via your own thoughts and directions otherwise all is meangingless.

    I have always liked the person I was and am, taking both good and bad with equal stride. I must admit however, since I started Crossdressing, perhaps the last eight or nine years, I like myself even more and and so much more comfortable in dressing us as a woman. I feel so much more relaxed and I will go so far as to say, when I am wearing a bra, stockings, lovely lace panties and a long floaty dress, I feel absolutely fabulous.

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    • rayb12
      7 years ago

      you know coincidentally i feel the same way about the crossdressing part. I stopped because I thought it had something to do with my gender at first, but then had some doubts about that piece of it. Oddly enough also 2 of those times that I really felt like myself were before I ever cross dressed but had feelings that I understood as gender dysphoria and an anxiety about my identity coupled with that feeling of inhabiting my own existence.
      So yeah, i think that first piece of advice you gave is really all you can say, and I think it's interesting you brought that up.

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  • surreypro
    7 years ago

    I am not a psychologist or anything but you sound crazy.

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