I need some insight

33% Normal

I met a girl I liked a couple years ago and we have become good friends. I have invited her to come live with me a couple months ago.
I really like her and wanted her as a girlfriend, however there are some complications.
We have sex and cuddle all night about once every couple weeks. The rest of the time she chooses to sleep on the couch. During this time if I suggest sleeping with me she has accused me of being manipulative.
She has admitted she is a complex person, which I would like to understand better because I am left confused.
Another confusing thing is she seems to have a boyfriend. She insists they broke up, but I have realized that is not true. He seems to be a cool guy and is cool with me but she bashes him a lot when he isn't around.
I have been left very confused.
I really like this girl and she has been a good friend to me. I would like her either as a friend or a girlfriend but I am confused what the situation is.
She has referred to me as her boyfriend when we have been intimate yet other times says otherwise.
I would like if she would open up to me more so I could understand things better. When I have pointed out that she is inconsistent she seemed offended. I am very consistent and am confused by mixed signals.
Either way I still like her as my friend but I would like to learn to communicate with her better to avoid confusion.

Voting Results

33% Normal

Based on 9 votes (3 yes)

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Comments ( 22 )

Zorak

6 years ago

"Complex person" = Very selfish, rude, and uncompromising, may or may not include secret boyfriends.

You cannot find a girl better than this??

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- JonathanOo
  
  6 years ago
  
  I agree. Try to stay away from her until she is single. She likely needs to mature a bit and learn to trust in friends. Not to treat them like crap. Its likely she does the same when you aren't around. Not cool
  
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rayb12

6 years ago

Well my friend welcome to Cluster B Personality Disorder Land!!!! (Musical interlude)

Well it seems a wild borderline has appeared you cast out your NPD (the psych version of ultra ball) and it is blinking but has not successfully caught.

Now you say shma shma shma why is she like this why won't she change na na na doobadoobadoo doo

Do I tell you now? OK she will never ever ever ever ever in 50 trillion willion kabillion bazababagagillion years x lightyears be a person who makes more sense to you. In fact if you wanna really know she will be the..... (Big reveal) Way she is right now!!!!!

And... You my friend in all your bitter frustration cannot blame the miss as this happens to be as they say WHO SHE IS.

OK now is the tough part. Because you may be thinking OK so something is wrong with her. Well do you know who else needs a look? YOU compadre!

Emotionally healthy people do not just happen to find themselves with people they are left in the dark as to whether they're there girlfriend or not! (I'm one too, so I'm not being a dick calling you out)

There's something a bit drab perhaps to being with a girl who loves you and sleeps with you and just you every night.

So you find yourself here trying to be a hero, to save her, fix her, with a woman who is fucking someone else, won't sleep with you, won't tell you who you are to her (hell if she knows anyways, to get that out there) and has gaslighted you to the point where you think this is all not deal breaking in a relationship that may or may not exist.

Was she different when you first met? Do you think that I'm going to assume no? WRONG

Of course, maybe not at the very first meeting but at some point she got you boyyyy hook line and sinker she was exactlyyyy what she needed to be to get that attention you loveee to give. That's not who she is bro! And that's not coming back. She won't leave you, but she won't change. That is all you gotta know.

For more,

Wikipedia Borderline Personality Disorder
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Gaslighting
Enmeshment
Hero/Savior Complex

Western Psychology is a crock of shit, but here it is true as a bell.

Leave her before you end up dead my friend

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  6 years ago
  
  I've actually wondered if she is a narcissist.
  I suppose its probably in my best interest to keep her as a friend and move on looking for another girlfriend.
  I do like her company, but this isn't what I want from a relationship.
  
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  - rayb12
    
    6 years ago
    
    Borderlines have qualities that we would colloquially consider to be those of a 'narcissist'. However narcissistic personality disorder is a specific and different thing.
    
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- Zorak
  
  6 years ago
  
  Speed much?
  
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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  6 years ago
  
  I've gotten some insight into the situation from this page.
  I'm going to look for someone else to date, but I wont kick her out because regardless of the situation it beats being alone.
  
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- RoseIsabella
  
  6 years ago
  
  Honestly, my money would be on Narcissistic personality disorder in this case as Borderlines tend to be so much more needy, and for some reason she doesn't seem to be needy or in fear of abandonment. If anything I think she seems to be toying with OP, and using him.
  
  I think he should throw this awful catch back into the sea from whence she came. Arrr matey!
  
  The question that comes to my mind with regard to this girl is why is she living with him? Did she perhaps have no place else to go? I almost wonder if she'd prefer to remain on the couch, but is attempting to to make some feeble payment via these monthly sexual liasons.
  
  I think OP ought to try to get her out of his place. She's probably using him for a free place to stay.
  
  I also tend to think that the author of the articles you referenced is rather biased and probably not the best source of information on BPD. Regardless I have reason to believe that she is using OP.
  
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  - Anonymous Post Author
    
    6 years ago
    
    Before she came here I hadn't been with a woman in 5 years and have only had one other girlfriend. I am in my mid 30's and just having someone around makes me feel better.
    
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  - Anonymous Post Author
    
    6 years ago
    
    She is here because she had nowhere else to go and I wanted her here. I am lonely and want someone to live with me and keep me company. Somehow I dont care if she is using me to have a place to stay because I have someone to hangout with.
    
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  - rayb12
    
    6 years ago
    
    The author is a quack no doubt. But was super affirming stuff for me to read after being with a borderline.
    
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- RoseIsabella
  
  6 years ago
  
  Honestly, my money would be on Narcissistic personality disorder in this case as Borderlines tend to be so much more needy, and for some reason she doesn't seem to be needy or in fear of abandonment. If an thing I think she seems to be toying with OP, and using him.
  
  I think he should throw this awful catch back the sea from whence she came. Arrr matey!
  
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Kevinevan

6 years ago

She is crazy

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Nickvey

6 years ago

she pays rent with pussy , you do realize she is your one time a month whore and nothing else. I had one of those. she was a closeted lesbian , sad too because she was a good fuck. and oh so attractive. i even had to break her hymen. as she called the one other date she had a needle dick . i guess thats code for im still intact.

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rayb12

6 years ago

A couple more sources: read these, fuck what I wrote

http://www.sharischreiber.com/dance.html

http://www.sharischreiber.com/anycost.html

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  6 years ago
  
  Interesting. I don't think I am a narcissist but could relate to a lot of this. I have been diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder before though.
  
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  - Kevinevan
    
    6 years ago
    
    Congrats and you found yourself a bp woman
    
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  - rayb12
    
    6 years ago
    
    Interesting. Again yeah being a 'narcissist' as we think of it and NPD are two very different things.
    
    These cluster b disorders seem to meld and overlap and are easy to misdiagnose so it could be that, or maybe schizotypal also has the quality of being drawn in by BPD women.
    
    The take away which was hardest for me to see/hear is people don't accidentally find themselves in these situations. It took a while for me to internalize.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      6 years ago
      
      I can relate to a couple narcissistic traits, such as I appear emotionless to hide my depression, even from myself. Also I can be unempathetic and can be a bit of an ass hole.
      Other things I do not relate at all. I'm not at all abusive and have a friendly attitude and am very respectful towards others.
      I also care greatly for people I like.
      Seems some personality disorders overlap a lot. The girl living with me definitely has a personality disorder though. Not quite sure which one but it is noticeable.
      
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      - rayb12
        
        6 years ago
        
        To me it seems like borderline in how she has manipulated you into a place where you accept clearly inappropriate behavior from her and are afraid to truly confront her to the point where you leave her. And also for the third time narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder are two different things. The reasons you state as ones of not being a narcissist are all traits of NPD. Which isn't to say you have it, but that is evidence for it not against it.
        
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- rayb12
  
  6 years ago
  
  Don't pay attention to other people or the ratio, they don't realize they're telling you to quit heroin.
  
  And please internalize this does not accidentally happen. You must seek relationships with less exciting people or you will be doomed to repeat this to the point of your own demise and not in a hot way.
  
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e51pegasi

6 years ago

She is using you as a bit on the side.

From what you have said you seem to be keener on her than she is on you & she is taking advantage of that.

Sit her down & ask her what she means to you & if she really has split up her boyfriend. You need to know where you stand and deal with that as you see fit.

If I were you I'd pack her bags for her and tell her to find another mug.

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Are You Normal?

I need some insight