I'm wondering if that really happened.

Okay so about a year ago, I met a boy (his name will be Nick) while hanging out with my friends Melanie and Frank and we met up with a few of Melanie's friends who live on her block and we played truth or dare. I found Nick to be very attractive, the whole night I thought about how cool it'd be for him to like me. Ironically, during the game of truth or dare, I picked truth and Nick asked me if I was going out with Frank (I had just gone through a tough time with the boy I thought I was going to spend my life with. I was trying to get over him by making out with Frank even though our relationship was otherwise platonic, and there wasn't really anything there), I told him I was single. And the bottle spun onto me the next time it was his turn, I for some god awful reason chose truth and he asked me if I would consider going out with him. I giggled to myself because I was so utterly flattered, I don't have high self-esteem, and I answered yes. He smiled and the game went on. And the next turn Nick took, it landed on me and I picked dare. We moved to the side and made out for about 30 seconds, and all I could think about while he shoved his tongue down my throat was my ex and I shoved the thought out of my head but was left with this empty space in me that I needed to fill. The game ended and it got closer to the time I was supposed to be heading home but I was so sad, I wanted it to leave, so I bided my time with Nick and he kissed me very hard and pushed me into a dark corner where no one could see us and he went up my shirt but I started to panic... What was I letting him do? I told him to stop. He kept going. He kept kissing me and kissing me and I let him because if I didn't I was going to let the sadness back in but once the sadness was gone this awful feeling came over my body and I felt like a monster, like someone I didn't even know. I pushed away from him and told him I had leave and as I walked towards the train, he came up behind me, and offered to "escort me home". I felt stupid for feeling violated. The guy I was seeing was a gentleman who wanted to see me get home safe. We went up together and waited for the train, I loved getting on the last car usually so I could just sit and think for the long ride to the last stop, but when we got on and I realized that the car was empty I started to feel my heart pound and I got nervous. But, he sat me down and told me how pretty I was and how much he liked my hazel eyes and I felt safe. I just wanted to be held and loved, I wanted it back so badly and being alone hurt so bad. So I kissed him and he got very rough suddenly. He kept putting his hands in my pants and I tried to pull them out but resistance felt futile and I just let him finger me, I wish I hadn't and thinking about it right now makes me shiver. After about a minute, he asked me to give him head. I turned to him as if he were crazy, "I'm not going near your penis. I'm serious this is something I'm not going to do tonight." I tried to make myself sound in charge but looking at him made me feel so small. He just smiled and said okay but he forced his fingers back into my jeans and kissed me with a lot of force and A LOT of tongue. I felt dirty and ashamed of myself for letting him do this. But, why wasn't I stopping him? I didn't realize but he had his zipper open and his penis out and he was pushing my face closer, I told him no and tried to go back to kissing so he wouldn't be too upset but he persisted and said please I need this, please. And he pushed and pushed and he forced his dick into my mouth and I just did it and he just tried to go further and further and thank god I got to my stop and ran. I ran downstairs and through the turnstiles and called my best friend. Surprisingly, my voice was normal and calm. I realized that I was afraid to tell her what I had done. I felt like this was my fault. I felt dirty, like I deserved this. I just don't know. I've kinda blocked it from my mind until tonight.