I'm sometimes jealous of orphans

WARNING! If you're an orphan who gets easily offended, don't read this post!!!

My relationship with my parents is under TREMENDOUS strain to say the least. I don't wish to go into detail at the moment; but suffice to say, I do not love my mother (she is a psychopath), and my relationship with my dad is in a bad spot.

When I hear about people who were raised in foster care, or who were orphaned as teens or young adults, I am secretly jealous of them. They are allowed to live their own lives, without having to constantly look over their shoulders to see if someone is following or spying on them. They can take any job they want, have relationships, and don't have t explain anything. No one is demanding to know why they aren't married yet, haven't made any babies yet, and haven't gotten a white-collar job. These people have all the freedom, privacy, and safety they want.

I feel bad for people raised in foster care, since their childhoods must have been terrible. But while I know I *should* feel bad for people who's parents recently died, I am instead overwhelmed with raging jealousy. If my mom died right now, it would feel like an anvil being lifted off of my chest. I'd probably break down crying from finally feeling so safe and so free. The lifelong nightmare would be over.

I have not yet lost a family member who I was close with, so that may contribute to my lack of empathy in this department. I know if my Dad died I would be upset. I know I'll be upset when my grandma dies, and if one of my sisters died it would devastate me. So if one of those things happened, I guess then I'd feel the empathy I should feel for orphans. But at the moment, I don't.

Obviously this is not the right way to feel. But all I am wondering is, does anyone else sometimes feel jealous of orphans, even when you know you shouldn't?