I'm smart, pretty, weird, and i can't get a boyfriend

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I'm a young woman and I seem to attract two types of men - guys who are obsessed with me, and guys who try to use me for sex and aren't interested in me. I have an extremely high IQ of 164 and I feel like this makes me over-analyze things and makes me paranoid. I'm painfully self-aware. I also feel like my options are narrowed as I don't want to go out with someone who is much less intelligent than I am - although I'm sometimes drawn to men who are my opposite, easy-going and carefree and not necessarily academically intelligent (which I value).

I'm very pretty (but not beautiful) with a fit, toned figure, and I think that makes guys want to use me for my body. Because I'm so self-aware, I find it difficult to open up to men emotionally, as I tend to anticipate how they will react to any given statement and clam up or say the wrong thing. I'm also somewhat cynical and I have a tendency towards depression (although I don't reveal my feelings to my partners). At this point in my life, even though I'm young, I simply can't imagine meeting someone and staying with them - I work from home, I have several very close friends of both sexes (about five people I'd consider to be best friends, but they don't know each other and I don't have many casual friends/acquaintances). I don't know how I could meet someone apart from in a club and that never goes anywhere.

It seems that smarter, nerdier guys find the way that I look intimidating (this is what friends who've introduced me to their male friends have said), and that I take their niche by being smarter than them. I'm not an in-your-face smart-ass kind of girl as I don't feel the need to prove my intelligence, but when I know someone is wrong I guess I do find it hard to bite my tongue. Some guys get completely dazzled by me and become obsessed but the kinds of guy who get like this about me don't normally interest me as they want me to lead them and I want to be led for a change. It seems like smart guys tend to want cute, uncomplicated, sweet girls, and I can't be like that. I don't know what to do. I don't think I'm better than anyone - my IQ is an accident of birth, and it makes me different, not special. I truly love and am fascinated by people. But I just struggle to relate to them because I'm different. I'm really lonely.

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Based on 42 votes (25 yes)

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Comments ( 37 )

donotmockme

9 years ago | pl

You sound really ignorant and narcissistic. You know IQ gets you know where and is meaningless. The only people who use IQ to measure and post about it are the unintelligent. Also, the average person thinks they're more beautiful than they actually are. You might actually be stupid and ugly. I think that could be why you can't get a boyfriend.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  Yeah, no. I agree the IQ test is flawed, but i got a scholarship to Oxford at the age of 17 and I got a First, I'm definitely not stupid. I could be ugly, that is very hard to self-evaluate. However, the amount of men that want to get with me before they know me would go against that. I think it's a personality flaw. I don't think that is better than it being because I'm ugly. It's a lot easier to change the way you look.
  
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  - [Old Memory]
    
    9 years ago
    
    Guys want to get with anything with boobs...I wouldn't base that on your level of beauty...Just sayin'.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      9 years ago
      
      Yeah, but I get picked out of the group most times. It's kinda frustrating on this site that you come here asking for advice because you have a problem, and then instead of advising you on that problem, people want to pick apart every piece of your issue instead...just sayin. As you don't know me, it would be a lot more helpful if you'd just assume my perceptions are accurate - there would be no point asking for advice on being smart and attractive, if in fact I was ugly and stupid, because the advice I would get would be completely useless and irrelevant.I didn't come here to boast about my good qualities, I came here to ask for help with my poor ones (my personality).
      
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      - disthing
        
        9 years ago
        
        Basically, people react badly towards those declaring themselves highly intelligent and "very pretty", regardless of whether the common consensus supports that opinion.
        
        They are instantly predisposed to being overly critical of the person, to challenge these assertions.
        
        I think some people here are doing this, and that this is unfair - but not unexpected.
        
        Unfortunately, without knowing you well, we aren't in a position to determine why you can't get a boyfriend. Certainly we're in no better position than you are, and since we only have your side of things, I doubt we can give you any new insight.
        
        I'd suggest you ask your 5 close friends, see what they have to say. Tell them not to worry about hurting your feelings, and for them to be as honest as possible. They might be able to help.
        
        All you'll get from us a vague speculation and probably some acerbic and disparaging remarks. Oh and some optimistic 'hang in there girl!' encouragement, too.
        
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      - Incomplet
        
        9 years ago
        
        You posted here for advice? You're better off browsing subreddits like r/needadvice.
        
        If you want a place to vent whilst preserving your anonymity, try: blahtherapy.com
        
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      - [Old Memory]
        
        9 years ago
        
        It could be the whole "cheerleader" effect or whatever How I met Your mother calls it (lol).
        
        Personally, I am only calling you a narcissist out of jokes based on what some others have said. In all honesty, I think more detail would be needed on you and perhaps a picture to be able to make a somewhat close assumption on what can help. I know that's my issue with posts about being pretty or not (the rest can be explained by text), a picture is pretty much the only way we can see if your physical appearance has a play in it or not.
        
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  - lolol555
    
    9 years ago
    
    How the bloody hell did you do that? Are you studying over in the UK/US, or what? As far as I know, for UK students, even if you get 15 A*s in your GCSEs and A levels it's still pretty much impossible to get a scholarship. (And actually hard to get it in by paying unless you do a bunch of extra curricular stuff!)
    
    Also, what IQ test we talking here? It's not just *the* IQ test, there are lots of different kinds (disregarding the online ones, they're a load of bs).
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      9 years ago
      
      I was put up a year at school, so as far as I'm aware that's how I entered Oxford early - I also published a successful novel when I was very young, which I think helped a lot.
      
      As far as the IQ test, I took the Woodcock-Johnson when I was 17, and the Stanford-Binet when I was 20, I also took the Cattell III B in order to join Mensa when I was 21.
      
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[Old Memory]

9 years ago

You said a couple things that made me wonder if you actually want a boyfriend.
"I simply can't imagine meeting someone and staying with them"

This statement implied that you may be setting yourself up to miss out on potential partners.

It sounds like you have guys who like you but you don't feel interested in them, which is ok and very common.
You're actually being smarter by waiting for someone who you feel is a good match.

Most people rush into finding a relationship right away, which almost always fails, but smarter people tend to make better choices and will simply pass on incongruent matches.

I think you could have a boyfriend easily but choose to wait for a compatible match while you see other people hooking up with people they don't really get along with and you wonder why you're the one who is alone but it's simply because most people are dumb and will go for anybody who gives them attention.

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ygrowup

9 years ago

You have little to worry about, you will one day meet someone that loves you for who you are, so don't change, but learn to enjoy life along the way When you find the guy the loves the way you are, I hope you can learn to love him the way he is, with whatever faults he may have.
Remember time is motionless, people pass through it
Good luck with your choices

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shuggy-chan

9 years ago

well i get the part about over thinking things and it screwing it up, and anticipating peoples responses and your own. But you have to understand that for as much as you think you know how things are, or will play out. life can be unpredictable and people an surprise you.

so try to keep a more open mind and not worry so much about how things play out in your head, and just take a seat and let them play out.

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts"

just try being more of an actor in the play then the writer

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  Thanks, I appreciate the advice, and the quote. I definitely try to write my own script, as it were, and I'm going to try and work on that. I think I have fairly low emotional intelligence when it comes to figuring out other people's motivations, and I can be very defensive. But I'm going to take your advice, and try to stop over-thinking.
  
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  - shuggy-chan
    
    9 years ago
    
    i think you will learn it better to mellow out as you get older and more relaxed in your own skin. That is what i learned to transition into. It much easier to just be open and honest, like a book. And just let people read you and come to their own judgement of you. no need to try to live up to other expectation or your perceived expectations they have of you.
    
    Just be who you are, and the right people will start surrounding you =D
    
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[Old Memory]

9 years ago

IIN only has room for one narcissist, Missy!

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago | pl
  
  A defining aspect of narcissism is expecting to be recognised as superior without superior accomplishments. Otherwise, it's normal ego/realism.
  
  You can keep your spot, king-pin ;)
  
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  - [Old Memory]
    
    9 years ago
    
    Stop it! Stop it right now! When you Play the game of narcissus thrones, you live, or you, erm...I dunno, but it's something! And that something isn't very nice!
    
    >:|
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      9 years ago
      
      We can make love now.
      
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      - [Old Memory]
        
        9 years ago
        
        Pfffft! You think anybody can get a piece of this ass other than myself?!
        
        I'll make an exception aslong as you tape a picture of me on to your forehead and scream "I'm ItDuz" during, though.
        
        And you don't get to oppose anything I bring to the session, because you're playing as me, and I woudn't disagree with me, and dun you try pull the reversal on that, because I was me first!
        
        Alright!?
        
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        [Old Memory]
        
        9 years ago
        
        Hahahaha. The only one worthy enough to make sweet sweet love to itduz is itduz. I find that amusing for some reason :)
        
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Anime8

9 years ago

Like bugsforbreakfast said, you probably are just smart enough to realize how you should be treated and not simply fall for anyone who pays you attention. However, you should also realize that waiting around for someone is painful. Instead try taking some initiative. If you like someone ask them out, and see where it goes. Don't wait for love to find you, seek it out.

You said you have some close friend of both sexes, anyone one of them that you're attracted to and see yourself having a future with? If so, then start there.

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Enduror76

9 years ago

Some guys like smart girls, and then there are the dicks who like girls with massive boobs, limited intelligence so that they can take advantage of their vulnerability, and only wish to see them about once every two weeks because they are banging other girls. I personally would like a smart, pretty, and weird girl in my life, you can learn from people who are intelligent, I am a rather weird character in my own way, and I would say that I am of average looks.

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pixie_dust

9 years ago

self confidences is one of the most attractive things, even more than looks.

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peaceandlovebro

9 years ago

I can't read this dudette as it kills the inner bee in me. I feel like I just can't understand the language that is spoken within this post. I think you're of another species or something. Maybe you're coming across like a pseudo-intellectual. Do you know what that means with your super massive ego/IQ?

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  I really don't have a super-massive ego. I'm sorry that that's how it came across. My having a high IQ is just a fact of life, the same way that some people are extremely good looking or talented, and it's just false modesty to deny it. If I missed that fact out, this post wouldn't make any sense. I click-baited a little with the title because I wanted to get responses, but honestly, I think being very intelligent causes more problems than privileges.
  
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  - peaceandlovebro
    
    9 years ago
    
    Alright but it did come across that way. It's good to have a high IQ but IQ's don't actually prove how intelligent someone is. Intelligence is a lot more than a set of questions you have to answer and you'd actually have to take at least three different IQ tests with all different questions and still get an above average score to actually qualify as someone with a truly high IQ.
    
    It's obvious enough that IQ doesn't mean anything though as the poster below me has stated. IQ tests are too simplistic and that's something that has been known for quite a while. Also, many intelligent people in the world who have contributed to the world of science with their genius minds would most likely have had an average IQ.
    
    My IQ is 170 according to two tests I took online and one I took in real life three years ago. I don't think that means much of anything and take it with a grain of salt.
    
    Intelligence doesn't cause any problems at all. I think it's how you present yourself. If you're overly outgoing and come across as someone who talks too much, that is something that could easily be seen as a turn off an a bit intimidating.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      9 years ago
      
      IQ tests don't mean anything without commensurate achievements. As I just commented to someone else, I got a scholarship to Oxford at the age of 17, which indicates an unusual level of intelligence. Again, I know this sounds shitty and like I'm bragging, the only reason I included my IQ test in the OP is because I try to take objective opinions above my own perceptions - the IQ test, my high achieving, and having a very good job is what leads me to believe I'm intelligent, it's not just my own opinions. That is all I was try to demonstrate and I wasn't trying to be arrogant (it's the internet, that would be pretty sad).
      
      I really do think that high intelligence causes problems. At Oxford, almost everyone I met (and everyone I knew well) had social and developmental issues. I think it affects you because it makes you different, and that makes you strange. Even to other people in the same situation. High intelligence definitely doesn't translate to high social intelligence, and that affects your relationships.
      
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Sog

9 years ago

Have you ever heard of the term "humblebrag" before? Because this is a humblebrag.

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reidmoto

1 year ago

I'm sapiosexual and would love to find a GF like you. Looks fade, passion sometimes dies down, but the ability for two people to have an intelligent and meaningful conversation, is a real treasure.

You will find your knight in shining armor and it will have to be a guy with high self-esteem and highly intelligent.

Maybe you already have. Good luck.

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TwoThumbs

9 years ago

I think people are reacting poorly to your post because of the amount of time you've focused on your intelligence.

Regardless....I don't think you meant any harm. So onto you post.

Honestly....I'm not sure you asked any questions. You did states a lot of facts....or things you perceive to be facts. But let me respond with my opinion on the matter. Look...good guy or shitty guy....They all want sex. Understand that....this isn't a bad thing, because you should be with someone who's sexually attracted to you and vice versa. Sexual attraction is an interesting thing...because you can be sexually attracted to someone the second you see them...but the more you get to know them....it can grow or weaken.

Help yourself. Quit comparing your intelligence to would be suitors. Intelligence is subjective. A person that can tear down a motor, repair it and put it back together has a different kind of intelligence than someone who's into string theory. Also...don't worry about finding a boyfriend and worry about find friends that you have things in common with. This will eventually lead to a "boyfriend" if you're just looking for friends...because at the end of the day...the person you marry most likely should be your best friend...a partner. You're young...so guys tend to be more intimidated at that age....as you get older...successful and intelligent guys...end up figuring out that they are worth more than they gave themselves credit when they were younger....and young guys...in their college years and early 20's are still a bit immature (most, not all)...

Lastly....if there are guys that you like....that you think are intimidated by you...approach them. It's 2014... Women and men are equals. Trust me...a simple "Hi, I'm 'Amber'..." will do the trick.

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Amy347

9 years ago

Aww, you seem like such a sweet girl. I understand that you're not trying to be egotistical.. Most people assume that on here. I don't want to sound like one of those dumb chicks that go "Your man will come" but that's really all I can think of. hahahah Sometimes when you stop looking, you find it. That happens to me all the time when I misplace my phone.

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fullhouse

9 years ago

I guess it's the way you are. You know what u want n so you won't hop on the next train that stops for u. Honestly I won't be the right person to advice u (being a closed up introvert) but I'd suggest you take things as they come. Don't stress about it. When u meet the right guy, you'll go against your own restrictions n ride with him. Best of luck

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davesumba

9 years ago

tl;dr. The kind of guys you want are probly to shy and inexperienced to ask you out. This is the 21st century, it's perfectly okay for you to ask a guy out that you fancy.

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winstonmulowski

9 years ago

It tends to be the best women who attract the worst kings of guys. I have been with a few girls, and I am very intelligent. I got the best score in my country in English, and I have attracted a LOT of bad girls, only now, after countless failed relationships have I found someone I have settled with.

Yes, you may be over-thinking things but it is probably just bad luck.

I know several girls who are models but have countless bad relationships despite being what people would describe as 'the perfect girl', I also disagree with the above comment that 'men want anything with boobs'. This is not the case, it is a stereotype. I don't want that at all and I am man.

It seems that you just have a lot of bad luck. You could over-think things and seem paranoid in front of the guys which could make them not like you as much, but it is just life.

From personal experience, you have to get through a lot of bad stuff to get to the good stuff, and I am sure that in given time you will find someone nice.

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Are You Normal?

I'm smart, pretty, weird, and i can't get a boyfriend