I'm obsessed with my boyfriend
This is long I know but please bare with me. I really need some help bad.
Okay. My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for about two years now. We broke up for about 3 months back from Oct-Dec of last year and then got back together, shortly there after moving in together. We we first began dating, everything was so fun. He cared and showed he didn't want to lose me. He did little things, and wasn't afraid to do anything with me. When we argued, he would try to fix it. Well I made a few mistakes and that's why we broke up in October.
While we were apart, he started dating this girl he met while playing ball. it devastated me because he started dating her two weeks after week broke up. i went crazy. I quit my job, quit school, moved out of my parents and in with these two girls i barely knew and we partied all the time. But all i thought about none stop was him. I got behind on all my bills, lost my car and lost my closest friends because I completely shut down because I didn't have him.
Once we decided to get back together I was so happy again. Even though at first he was treating me really bad I just took it as him needed time for us to get back to us again. So I gave him time and he started to come around again and was treating me like a princess. I felt like the happiest girl in the world until about 3 months ago. in mid June, a little over two months after we moved in together, we were in his car going to find a pet bunny. A number that was not saved in his phone texted him and he just responded like he knew who it was but he told me he didn't. The person responded again and I had his phone looking at directions so I told him I was going to ask him who it was. And of course it was the girl he had been seeing while we weren't together. I told him I was going to pretend to be him and texted her. He said okay.
Now I wasn't trying to be noisy. From what he had told me, he had informed her that he was in love with me and that he didn't want to have anything to do with her. So I asked her, pretending to be him, why are you messaging me? You know I love my girlfriend and want to be with her. she responding by saying,"That's not what you said our last conversation." followed by a screen shot of May 16th, just a little over a month after we moved in together, of a conversation between them two. It was him telling her he still loved her. she responded that he would always love me more and then he told her no. then she said you'll always love her forever. He responded by saying, I don't think I will. I was sick to my stomach. I was humiliated and completely heart broken.
After this the list and lies just got longer. I found out the prior to our break up in october, he was trying to talk to 5 different girls. Messages on his facebook to me tell me he loves me the same exact hour frame as he told these other girls how sexy they are and the things he wanted to do to them. Also, when we first got back together, He had sex with a girl at a party one night when he completely ignored all my calls and text. He's lied straight to my face point blank when I asked him about a particular girl and there I found the proof on his facebook.
The list goes on and on. And still after all this, after every fight we had about all this, i always ended up being the one begging him to please not leave.
I have stayed with him and these past three months have had my brain and emotions in hell. I wonder where he is at every second. of he doesn't text me or call me, I get sick to my stomach to the point that I throw up because I'm afraid he's not coming home. I can't focus on anything but him. Everything I do It has to have some element of him in it.
He has been trying to make things better but I still have this deep down gut feeling that something still isn't right but I can't leave him. I feel like nothing without him. My entire life is built around him. I'm constantly checking his facebook, going through his phone when he doesn't know. I've gained weight, can't focus on anything I need to get done, can;t focus on anything but him. It's so unhealthy. I Never used to be this way. I'm 23. I was 6 month away from finishing school and I quit because he broke up with me and I couldn't handle being around more then a few people at a time or try focusing on anything else or I would have a panic attack. I had all my bill organized. My whole life organized. I was never late on any payments, I worked my butt off for the things I have, and now I'm scared to work too much because I don't want to leave him alone and me not know what he's doing. I give shifts away now just to sit at a ball park and watch him play so that I know that he is not talking to anyone else. My whole life is completely consumed with him. what he needs, what he wants, what he's feeling. It's like reality doesn't matter if I dont have him.
I just want my old self back. I want to be able to go to work and be the best worker I can be and focus my attention there instead of running off every 10 minutes to check my phone for his text. and when he doesnt text me back, I log onto his facebook to see if he's chatting with any one making plans.
I need help. I am so mentally drained and I can't do this any more. He has no idea in the world the effect he has on me and I don't think he would care if he did. Anytime I get upset about something he did, he always turns it around and makes it my fault somehow and the last argument we had he left for four days and I completely went insane. I slept maybe 5 hours that whole four days. Had to leave my job because I had panic attacks so now I don't say a word about how I feel about anything because I can't live without him.
Someone please help me. Please. I can't do this any more. I don't want to be obsessed with him any more. I'm tired of this feeling.