I'm not normal...and i hate it.

Hi there;

I'm here to cry about my whole existence because I feel like I'm not normal. I don't aspire to be a boring, placid person with no personality but I'm also a hurricane full of issues.

Firstly, I'm socially awkward. I'm 30 years old with no kids or travelling plans of any sort, I'm not married yet so it's hard for me to make friends around my age; since most people my age have all these things.

I have one friend who I currently talk to...but I don't even know if you call it talking anymore. She just writes one liners and perhaps thinks that this is talking >_>

Secondly, friends...I don't have many if any. My partner is probably my best friend and I love hanging out with him but I do so much around the house and I work and I'm away from home a lot and then I'm catering to him and the house; but when I finally get the chance to sit down so I can breath and do my own thing - that's what I love to do. Sit by the computer and do my own thing because I rarely get a chance too. My partner wants to play games with me because he likes that and even though I do too; most times I just want to zone out because I'm over how busy my life is lol but sometimes this makes my partner upset so I feel like a monster because I never want to give up some of my time for him sometimes.

The one girlfriend I have, I don't really like anymore but I still want her to be my friend because I genuinely care about her and I want us to remain friends. But we just don't talk as much anymore and I get that people move on but I am just so bad at making and keeping friends that I'm worried she's about to move on as well.

There is no reason, why people should move on away from me. I'm genuine, friendly, I care deeply about people in my life, I enjoy what most people enjoy and I'm unique with the things that I like as well.

I get it...I'm erratic and that's why no one wants to talk to me but I've seen some messed up girls have an abundance of friends.

I've met many people like myself who have dozens of friends and I have almost none. It's quite depressing.

Thirdly, here's the real weird abnormal problem I have...I'm anxious about hanging out with other people. Probably because I'm so socially awkward I don't really have much to talk about. I'm into video games, manga, anime, a bit of travelling, love food and movies. People in my age gap are not really into these things. I was at a wellness seminar and I told people about what I'm into and they were shocked.

Yes, a chick who is into geeky stuff lmfao...it's pretty awesome if you ask me.

As you can tell with my rant and how all over the place my problems are - I'm not a very relaxed or stable person. I want to be but I can't. I get anxious, worried and scared about doing the wrong thing all the time.

I'm tired of being this abnormal, freak, nobody and I just want to connect with people and have people in my life. No more people walking out just stay or no more feeling like I don't belong any where.

/sigh I just really needed to vent lol...I'm not normal am I?