I'm gay but in a relationship with a masculine woman

29% Normal

Hi, I'm 22 and I've been in a relationship with my best friend from school for about 5 years now. We grew up together and were best friends from a very very young age, all through school and 6th Form. I went to uni (4 years ago) she got a job and then we moved in together after my first year and still live together now. To everyone who knows us we're a typical heterosexual couple (can't have kids though)and everyone assumes I'm the man of the relationship, even if i'm a bit girly. My mum's always implying I need to do more man stuff like carry the bags and do the washing up (in like a, men never do housework, sort of thing) whereas in reality I do all the cooking and cleaning and bitching and nagging at her to pick up her boxers etc etc.

Thing is, I like men. Just men, not women at all, not even in the slightest. She knows this and she treats me like a submissive man as though she were the man of the relationship, when we have sex she uses a strap on on me and hates the idea of being penetrated by another guy. Generally, the thought of going out with other men freaks her out because they'd expect her to be the recepient in the relationship which is just not her thing. She's attracted to gay men, girly ones, and also women though says she couldn't really be a relationship with another woman.

It's always been agreed that we're staying together no matter what, I have some kind of anxiety/depression problem and frankly I'd be nowhere without her. It's safe to say I'm completely dependent on her. At the same time though, because we've been in a relationship for like, ever, I feel like i'm missing out on being with an actual guy and really, really want to be. It's odd because she gets annoyed if I refer to her as a woman and I only ever do it in public, all other times I call her by a different name that's like, unisex/mostly male. She insists she's not transgendered but it's like she is. Generally I'm super-confused. I kind of wish she was, but she's not and she's never going to be, she gets annoyed if I imply it but I'm like 'well, you act like a guy and you don't like me saying you're a woman.'

Anyway, is this normal? :(

Voting Results

29% Normal

Based on 69 votes (20 yes)

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Comments ( 38 )

Cucco

9 years ago

Woah, why is everyone acting like dating a girl automatically turns you straight? He's already stated that they both ignore the fact that she's a girl and he seems to think of her as more of a man. This sort of thing isn't just black and white.
It's not normal and sounds kind of confusing, but as long as you two are happy, there's nothing wrong with it.

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Koda

9 years ago

Your situation is anything but normal, but as long as you're satisfied with the relationship, it's healthy. However, it seems that you're not entirely satisfied, are you? It sounds like your girlfriend might be extremely gender- and orientation-confused. The problem is, you're not, you know you like men, but you seem to be too submissive and dependent to realize you need to be with the sex you're attracted to to be happy. You can always remain friends with her, but you're just going to become more depressed the longer you stay in a sexual relationship with this woman. Be true to yourself.

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Sensate

9 years ago

I wouldnt say it was normal, but abnormal doesnt have to mean bad. Seems like it works for you two. I think its kinda sweet. But you should really decide if you are okay with this arangement or that maybe you really need a man to fulfill your needs. Personally, i'm heterosexual but pretty open minded. What that means is that at the end of the day I don't think it really matters what bits you have between your legs. If you love someone and want to be in a relationship with them what does gender really matter? I'm a suporter of gender neutrality, which mean I don't assign roles to people based on their sex. I'm not ashamed of being into "girly" things, but at the same time i'm not gonna give excuses for being a manly man in some ways.

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NeuroNeptunian

9 years ago

Holy fucking shit.
No, it's not normal.
No, you're not gay. You're having sex with a woman and enjoying it.
You are bisexual. She is bisexual. Basically she has penis envy and you're her bitch toy product of a masculinity complex.

It's ok.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  But I only enjoy it because we're basically pretending she's a man? I don't get how this is bisexual if I'm not interested in any aspect of women :S
  
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  - NeuroNeptunian
    
    9 years ago
    
    You can pretend she is a man all you want but she's still a woman and you're still banging her.
    
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    - Energy
      
      9 years ago
      
      If she identifies as a woman, which it seems like she does.
      
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      - NeuroNeptunian
        
        9 years ago
        
        Yeah, that is my main point.
        I could understand if she was trans, but she seems to be (and I am not attempting to jab at her), a woman with a masculinity complex.
        
        No matter how you want to twist it, he is having sex with a woman and enjoying it. He feels no discomfort with the fact that she is 100% female (as opposed to a female who is transgender who would be, out of respect, a male), where a gay man would be repulsed by it.
        
        Therefore, he is bisexual as he is attracted to men and is sexually attracted enough to her to have sex with her.
        
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        bleach_baby
        
        9 years ago
        
        He says he's gay, he's gay. Just because he's having sex with a woman doesn't negate that.
        
        I fuck my hand, but it doesn't mean I'm a hands-sexual.
        
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        Energy
        
        9 years ago
        
        I agree.
        
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Energy

9 years ago

She sounds like a gender fluid Pansexual.

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RegGuy

9 years ago

I wish I had a dollar for every "I'm gay/straight, but..." post.

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- Sensate
  
  9 years ago
  
  Guess what? Being gay and sexuality as a whole is something alot of people struggle with. What do you think people come to this site for? They come looking for answers or want to ask questions.
  
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- robbieforgotpw
  
  9 years ago
  
  Butch girls with long short shorts are handsome
  
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- Crusades
  
  9 years ago
  
  Soon we're gonna have "i'm vegan but..."
  
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  - NeuroNeptunian
    
    9 years ago
    
    http://isitnormal.com/story/is-it-normal-to-be-a-vegetarian-but-170521/
    
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    - Crusades
      
      9 years ago
      
      Well i'll be damned!
      
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      - SubstationSubCurb111713
        
        9 years ago
        
        Haha! Someone was meat-curious. In both cases, I guess.
        
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- ㅤㅤㅤ
  
  9 years ago
  
  Fuckin' tell me about it. I've never gotten annoyed at anything on this site, but lately these stories have been more and more frequent and are, in my opinion, stupid.
  
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  - SubstationSubCurb111713
    
    9 years ago
    
    You seem very affected by this.
    
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    - ㅤㅤㅤ
      
      9 years ago
      
      Not affected, just annoyed.
      
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      - SubstationSubCurb111713
        
        9 years ago
        
        Being annoyed doesn't affect you?
        
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- EccentricWeird
  
  9 years ago
  
  *butt
  
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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  I guess it's a confusing topic for a lot of people :D Sorry to add to it.
  
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EccentricWeird

9 years ago

Well technically then you're not gay, because no matter how masculine she acts, she will have a big sloppy vagina.

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- Energy
  
  9 years ago
  
  Lol Transmen are all around you these days. And you don't even know and see them as men, which they are. But that's not the case with her.
  
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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  Just because she has one doesn't mean I like it, generally its existence is ignored by both of us.
  
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  - EccentricWeird
    
    9 years ago
    
    How can you not love a big sloppy vagina? Even ladies love a nice vag every once in a while.
    
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    - Anonymous Post Author
      
      9 years ago
      
      Ah god, quit it. :(
      
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SkullsNRoses

9 years ago

No this is not normal in the slightest, but love is love and if you're both happy that's all that matters.

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RoseIsabella

9 years ago

So, how's that working out for ya?

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handsignals

9 years ago

This is why I plant tree's.

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- Anonymous Post Author
  
  9 years ago
  
  I don't get it.
  
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  - handsignals
    
    9 years ago
    
    IIN that Your BF has a VG and pounds your butt with a strap on.
    
    Yes it's normal everyone does it.
    
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ㅤㅤㅤ

9 years ago

Then you ain't fuckin straight. Jesus christ people it's not like gay and straight are the only two sexualities in existence, the fuck happened to bisexual? It is literally and completely possible to like both, jesus christ.

And no offense but I really don't see how you can not love her. It's who she is, but then again I can't necessarily blame you because she seems just as confused about herself as you are.

Maybe you two should call it off. If my loved one ever said, "I really want to be with a ____, and I wish you were a _____", I'd be crushed and hurt and cut off romantic ties.

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- ㅤㅤㅤ
  
  9 years ago
  
  Sorry for coming off as a dick but this kinda shit just makes me so angry.
  
  Anyways, on a more positive note, I knew someone in a situation similar to you. She was gay and had liked only women, but she met this guy and personality wise, they just clicked and fell in love.
  
  Sure, he wasn't the girlfriend she'd been hoping for, but she loved him for ALL of him. At one point she said she really did want to be with a girl, but they were just so close that eventually she forgot about it.
  
  Now she doesn't identify as lesbian, she identifies as bi.
  
  Idk, good luck dude, I guess. I apologize for coming off so harsh at first.
  
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  - Anonymous Post Author
    
    9 years ago
    
    Uh that's ok, sorry, it's the only relationship I've had which is why I'm so confused about it. I figured this was different to stories like you just said because it's not like i've ever done anything with her as though she were a woman.
    
    Just to address the thing you said earlier, of course I know how fluid sexuality is and of course I've considered that I'm bisexual, but my pretty stubborn and exlusive attraction to men and not women makes me wonder if i'm being generous with describing myself as 'bisexual' to other people.
    
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Are You Normal?

I'm gay but in a relationship with a masculine woman