I'm becoming more unemotional.

For most of my life, I've been what you would call a doormat, or a push-over. I've let people walk all over me time after time again. I normally don't protest because it's always made people get angry at me, or they will tell me to " Stop being so grumpy."

It makes me angry because I feel like they don't treat me with respect, or maybe they just don't care about how I feel.
Since I am nervous about speaking up, I will often retreat to daydreaming to relieve my stress. My daydreams are often disturbing, usually containing thoughts of murder, or suicide. It depends on how I feel. Sometimes I feel like it's their fault, and other times I think it's my fault for being so weak.

I know people will hate me when I say this, but sometimes, when I read about someone who has killed someone, I feel a sense of envy, and acceptance. Of course, it depends on what happened.
For example, if the person had killed a bully, or an abuser, than that's when I will side with the murderer, because I can understand where they are coming from.

I admit, that probably isn't normal, but at this point in my life, I don't care what's considered normal anymore. I have nothing left to lose, so if you think I'm disgusting, or whatever, then that's you talking, not me. I'm tired of caring about what others think of me because it has gotten me nothing in return. I feel used and ignored, so why should I care about how others feel?

However, saying it and doing it are two different things.
In the real world, I still feel hesitant when talking about how I feel, and I still can't bring myself to fight back anyone who gets on my bad side, which is why I prefer to lock myself in my room. It's not really speaking my mind, but being alone is better than biting my tongue and letting people yell at me.