I'm an asshole

Ever since highschool I've had a hard time being anything other than an asshole. I felt dejected, rejected and I think I stopped bothering trying to connect with people. That's when I became an asshole. I'm no ordinary asshole, I'm fucking terrible. I think the worst things about people, I wish things about them that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy but it's like a reflex. I'm either coasting on cockroach-like meekness or second coming of christ bliss and nothing you say really affects me. There have been but few moments in my (young) adult life that I've had to true moments of happiness, with myself, and other people. But it's so rare. I try to be a better person but it only results in people walking all over me, calling me weak, making assumptions of me and generally just making a fool of myself. I turned to God and somehow I fucked that up too. All I really want is to connect with people and find someone for me. But sometimes I think the way this world is, being an asshole is the only way to survive.

I might be manic-depressive but low periods are very long and my high moments are very brief.