I'm a terrible person and i want to die, but i can't because

29% Normal
2 Comments

My body is not my own. I am not living for myself. It doesn't really matter what the kindhearted, optimistic strangers say, they're not talking about me anyway. I am finding it difficult to live with my thoughts anymore, I am disgusting, but I really wish I wasn't. I want to be a good person. The people act like I am a good person, but I know they are just messing with me. Everyone is better than me. I can't talk to anyone about this, because I am not supposed to. I am supposed to be normal. There is nothing wrong with me. It's all in my head. My thoughts are physically sickening, to the point that i must cause pain somewhere else on this body to avoid the greater discomfort. But not too much pain. That's not allowed. I must be normal. I would rather think terrible thoughts like getting raped, physical violence, etc. than to hear this random idiot in my head that is supposed to be me, because I am not allowed to be crazy or depressed, I am supposed to be normal, because this is not my body. I don't want it. I want to d ie.

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29% Normal
Based on 17 votes (5 yes)
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Comments ( 2 )
  • Short4Words
    8 years ago

    I understand how you feel. I find it hard to live myself sometimes. I have overbearing thoughts, maybe as bad as yours. Sometimes it feels like I'm haunted. I'm afraid to sleep because of the thoughts and images I see, and every waking moment, if I haven't successfully distracted myself I am at least acknowledging these thoughts of mine. I haven't reached a point where I would kill myself but I've thought about it. I've thought about going into a coma and maybe waking up with amnesia to forget it all because I know this isn't me. I turned out this way but it wasn't always the case. And I can fight it. I know this because some days go by and I don't think about them much at all, others can be hard though, especially hard, like I've made no progress and that it's all for nothing and that I should just give up utterly. But I still go on. Because I know that good times are in front of me. OCD doesn't sound that bad to some but it depends on the thoughts you have. You may have it. It has almost entirely controlled my life for the past 3 years but I'm in therapy and gradually getting better, but there certainly valleys, as much as there are peaks.

    It's okay if you're not a good person all the time, no man ever was name one. I'm divided at the best of times. I'm drawn to help others and protect the defenseless but I also have a manipulative side which makes me this worst person for them to be around. This has caused me to think I'm unworthy of love. But you are worthy. The truth is we're all corrupt in our own way and that little thing inside you that wants to be good is who you are, it is the greatest part of who you are. The rest is baggage, added on over the years, hopefully to be shed. But it's not too late. I didn't tell you this to save your life or to win you over but to let you know that you're not alone and it is not hopeless. I can be helped so why can't you?

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  • bucho's_butt
    8 years ago

    Wean off of your anti-depressants and any other psych meds you might be taking. Your thoughts sound very adverse reaction to anti-depressantsish. Do your own research though. I'm no doctor. I just know about my own experiences with that garbage.

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